Eye Condition

Do you remember what it was like
When you were younger and less apathic
Before everything gradually lost color
Before things seemed so fleeting
And meaningless

Do you remember that you were stained
By age and by the same repeating days
That you slowly forgot how to breathe

Do you remember that you put up with things
And that you weren't always like this
That you'd do everything you hated
Lacking any other choice
While waiting for another life
That existed in your dreams

Do you remember how anxious you were
At the end of every dull day
You never claimed to be a genious
But nothing new would ever happen
And you grew tired of when things repeated themselves
When the tired old faces never changed

Do you remember how a few simple things made you last
Like scribbling words and listening to the saddest songs
Do you remember that opening your eyes took the greatest effort
And that once you'd opened them you wouldn't close them again
Afraid you might die while sleeping and unaware
Afraid that you'd die before loving to live

Do you remember how you fleed to pain
That the sensation made you alive again
It's true that it was temporary
But it was better than the angst
And it led your thoughts away

Did you forget what it was like
At the darkest and furthest edge of the world
Not necessarily real other than in your mind
But your thoughts was all you knew as truth
And you were tired of lying
Tired of the world's charades

Do you remember what it was like
When you had to put a mask on to the world
And did you notice that there's still flecks of it on your skin
To cover half your face and one of your eyes

Do you remember that no one seemed to understand
And that you wouldn't let anyone close enough to try
It was easier that way, or so it seemed
So it seemed to the voices in your mind

And now it's invisible for anyone who glances at you
At first sight you seem to be undamaged
Some might even say you were at ease with life
Some might even say you seem to love life

You've tried to wash the remaining flecks from your face
And you've tried to see clearly with only one eye
Imagining everyone else was blind
You might improve your current condition
And some might even say you were close to perfection

But those few flecks will always stay
And some old things will never change
You just sort them from the newer ones
With the sense of priority you recently acquired
Label them as unimportant to the present
And try to learn how to love life again

Just trying to be alive again

Solutions

How can you be sure you're the one who's mad
Just because you happen to see things differently
When everything's shrouded in clouds of white light
Woven in silk strings and stained golden doorknobs
And the voices from your home whisper to you
From the chimney and the windows and the doors
That all you need to do is run away
Run away to the final solution

Did you see any visions before you knew they were there
Before you were told you weren't allowed to dream
And you weren't allowed to weave yourself a world
Where everything still existed the way it was
You weren't allowed to imagine things differently

How can you be sure you're the one who's mad
Only because your life was shattered once
And the pieces became your safe place,
the place you lived in inside your mind
And every now and then you pick out a shard
And return to it in your heart
Where everything replays like old footage
Except you always know what'll happen

Did you mourn death or did you long for it
As the claws struck down on you
And you were enclosed in the jar
Were you aware of yourself when you were hit
And your sanity left the back door ajar

How can you be sure you're the one who's mad
When you weren't the one to label your mind
And you'll never be able to fully compare
The only thoughts and emotions you'll know
Will always be your own

How can you be sure you're the one who's mad?

POET IN THE JAR
A piece inspired by Chasing Ella, my current novelling project

Alteration

Every word feels like it's already been spoken
And every time I redecorate it looks the same
I'm so keen to try and keep up with alteration
That some things never seem to change
Is this a paradox?
Perhaps

Perhaps it is

I feel like I've been to every place there is
And I know what you'll say before you do
I know we'll soon fall into old routines
How passionately I'll fight with you
Is this a paradox?
Perhaps

Perhaps it is

I'm independent, dependent on you
And I forgot how to fall asleep alone
I'm in a trance, while dancing with you
The confusion is exclusively my own
My own

Are there really little things worthwhile
Does it really matter how I spend my time?
I chose all the meaningful, over the trivial
Still something is missing from my life
Is this a paradox?
Perhaps
Perhaps it is

I'm independent, dependent on you
And I forgot how to fall asleep alone
I'm in a trance, while dancing with you
The confusion is exclusively my own
My own

Do you think of things the way I do?
Which one of us thinks the most?
Will I ever be able to really read you?
Or will I never really know?

I'm independent, dependent on you
The way I always wanted things to be
So why this confusion, entirely my own
Did you also forget how to sleep alone?

I'm not saying anything is perfect
And I'm not saying I'm ready to let go
Or to be dependent
But maybe this time it'll be different
Maybe it'll all be different

And I could take a couple of steps
In the somewhat right direction

Maybe

The Game

I can foresee how you will twist your lies
And show up when you think you're the least expected
Sorry to disappoint you but I had already predicted it
And you've ceased to be as dark and intriguing
As you wanted everyone else to believe

Still every now and then you manage to stab me
With a lucky shot, that you aim at me in spite
Can't say why, when you were the one to deny
Everything that felt even the slightest right
Everything that had to do with me

It's as if you're the one who can't let go of things
When you never lifted a finger to stop it
And as if you just had to kick me one more time
While I was lying down from the force of your punches
I had a feeling you would, I had a couple of hunches

But seriously, isn't it time to give it up and let me heal
Haven't you dealt me enough bruises already
Did you know that last time gave me a concussion
Isn't it time to aim that anger of yours elsewhere to
You were worse to me than I ever was to you

Why is it so hard for you to tell when the game has gone overboard
When you're the only one still enjoying to play
And who said you could decide the game's every fucking rule
That the world would just abide by your every need
Excuse me if I don't pay you that heed

You should have taken me if you wanted me
Instead of standing idly by
And only yourself to blame
When I decided I was out of the game


So you're on your own now, just thought I'd tell
You can sit up late at night with your book of rules
And lose another friend by every morning when you wake
At this rate you'll have lost them all
Before you realize it's too late

Fireflies

You'd think that I'd learn at some point
And that I wouldn't pace back in my tracks
That I wouldn't turn down the same roads
You'd think I learned that,
At some point

What would I have told myself years ago
If I could send a message back through time
And would I care to listen, care to mind
Would it make me change anything
Or would I find myself tiring
And ignore my own advice

I always push it to the limit
I can never turn back in time
I have to chase the fireflies
Although they burn me with their light
I crave the bittersweet desire
To remind me that I'm still alive
I can't resist the heavenly fire
So burn me, burn me, til I die
My smoking, burning firefly

You'd think that I'd know at some point
Enough to not repeat my old mistakes
And not fall into the same traps and graves
You'd think I'd know that,
At some point

What excuses will I lay out to the future me
Will I say that I didn't see the signs
Though they were displayed in bolded lines
What words will I believe, to cover up for things
Mythomania, ensuring
I won't see through my lies


I always push it to the limit
I can never turn back in time
I have to chase the fireflies
Although they burn me with their light
I crave the bittersweet desire
To remind me that I'm still alive
I can't resist the heavenly fire
So burn me, burn me, til I die
My smoking, burning firefly

So maybe I was taught to be indifferent
And survive by aiding selfish needs
Never hope for the dawn
In case disappointment would come
So?

So maybe I was taught to live and pretend
And never be the one to be abandoned
It's better to attack than to defend
In case disappointment would come
So?


I always push it to the limit
I can never turn back in time
I have to chase the fireflies
Although they burn me with their light
I crave the bittersweet desire
To remind me that I'm still alive
I can't resist the heavenly fire
So burn me, burn me, til I die
My smoking, burning firefly

So maybe I wasn't taught like this, but differently
So?
Maybe I don't care how I was taught
Maybe I want to forget what made me
And maybe I want to chase the fireflies again
Just to see what'll happen in the end

I always push it to the limit
I can never turn back in time
I have to chase the fireflies
Although they burn me with their light
I crave the bittersweet desire
To remind me that I'm still alive
I can't resist the heavenly fire
So burn me, burn me, til I die
My smoking, burning firefly

POET IN THE JAR

Sculptures

Did you believe I was a written page
Ready to be read, laid out for your understanding
That you'd grasp everything right away
As if I was mathematics, as if I was formulas
That could be calculated
With all the rights and wrongs
That I possess

Did you believe I was entirely blank
And that anyone was free to sculpt me
From the block of marble
That I looked out through shiny eyes
That just had been made
I'm neither, I'm none
I'm half-created,
I'm half-done
And I can't predict myself
And I can't take care of myself
And I prefer myself when I'm decadent

And I prefer myself when I don't care

I can't go back and unwrite myself
Or unsculpt what was sculpted by others
When I didn't control my own world
And I can't predict what'll happen with the brush
With the typewriter and the ink
I can't predict what I'm going to feel or think

And you can't undo all your thoughts
All your words, all that you felt
That they cut your fingers while you knelt
So you should be exactly like me
And your story is as untouched
Most of it's a story to be

But you never begin on an empty page
And you never calculate it like mathematics
It's unpredictable, and unstable
And steered by many hands
At the rodder

And it's a flying ship in turbulence we crew
And it can sail through air and on the sea
Sometimes with, sometimes without you
Sometimes with, sometimes without me
And this rickety ship is life

And the serpent in the ocean is almost death
But only almost, with all the pretty gems it swallowed
Only almost, as it allows for our touch
Only almost, as we saw it die

Did you believe everything was mathematics
Did you believe that you were free from dreams
When I have seen you sleep
And you have the nightmares too
Even if you don't remember them
When you awake

POET IN THE JAR

Frozen Flower

I'm a little bit like a frozen flower
Requiring time and warmth to defrost
Waiting to open for the sun
Like a frozen flower
In the parking lot

I'm a little bit like a frozen flower
I'd rather you didn't pick me
With my roots intact
And plant me in a pot
On your window sill

I'm a little bit like a frozen flower
That always wanted to be a bird
I'd rather you tore me off at the stem
And let me drop from your balcony
And I'd pretend to fly
And be free

Exceptions

And when the frost ceases to be
It won't know what became of us
And the footprints we left in the grass
It won't remember you, or your dreams
And the things you've seen
What you and I have been

When the frost ceases to be
And turns into dew drops
It'll bleed under our feet, in the grass
And we'll see our faces in the dew
But it won't recognize me, or you

When the frost ceases to be
And the glittering pearls are silent
There is no sound when you walk
Across the grass
When the frost ceases to be
To make way for something new
It seems to forget me
But trust me

It doesn't make exceptions for you

Rorschach Test

These numbers on my hands
Do they say anything to you?
Or are they just markers
Reminders, like that little red string
Tied around your finger

And these letters, on my wrist
Is there a message somewhere
Hidden, that I failed to see
That used to mean something else to me
Are they still just letters?
Like written images in the wind

I really don't want to remember
Why did you have to remind me
And write these figures on my skin
I don't remember anything
Anything

What do these eyes tell you
They look different to me
In the glass of the mirror
And are these wings really wings
Or broken dreams
For decoration only

What did you want to symbolize
When you drew these lines
Can I paint them over
Will they bleach with time
For decoration, only

I really don't want to remember
Why did you have to remind me
And write these figures on my skin
I don't remember anything
Anything

What's that taste again
Taste of a falling heart
Falling in the darkness
But the darkness is just figures in ink
So many that they're sprayed together
Into one single rorschach test
What does it tell you
These numbers
These letters

Are they still just figures?

I now remember everything
Why did you have to remind me
And write these figures on my skin
Soaking me in my every sin
I remember everything
Everything

Sheesha

Doesn't all of it disappear
When the smoke parts from your lips
And forms circles in the air
With your fingers
Doesn't all of it go away?

When you become your own
More of a person you'd want to be
Nothing will trouble you
And you find yourself thinking deep thoughts
About life and yourself and everything

Although you can't put it in words to say
You know you found the answers
You were looking for
When the smoke parts from your lips
And the illusion is completed
The illusion that is the truth

Is it strange to long for another round
To pass the sheesha, from hand to hand
When it gives you a few hours of freedom
A few hours of liberation
To be carefree

Doesn't all of it go away?

And aren't you relieved?
So don't judge me
Until you've been me

Emotion In The Tea

What if I was exhausted and wanted to sleep
But my entire life would spin before my eyes
Keeping me awake, and turned into a lie
All the details that kept me alive

What if the pain sort of healed me
And the darkness lit my way
Would you understand me
Or would you step down again
And regret me, regret us

What if I used to have so much to give
So much love and so much heart
So beautifully painful, it tore me apart
And now I'm cut open for anyone's share

What happened to what was exclusively yours
When I needed you, and there was only emptiness
And there was a new kind of pain, that didn't heal
And a kind of darkness that I'd never felt

Smuggle emotion into my tea
The only way you'll get to me
I'm cut open and given away
But it'll never be the same
It'll never be the same

Drunken Conversation

What were you doing in my drunken conversation
Stirring me to tears that seemed completely irrelevant
To everyone else
I thought I told you I had shunned you out
And that you weren't welcome, inside my head
I thought I told you it would pass with time
And you wouldn't make these appearances
In my mind

What were you doing, interrupting my life
The one I always said I dreamed of
Maybe in my dreams it wasn't this decadent
But what is the difference

Except that you were a part of this dream once
And now you're only part of nightmares
And you made me lose faith in everything
And you made me suspicious towards everyone
And I can let them close but I can't let them catch me

What were you doing, with the drunken me
In my drunken conversation
I never asked for you to come.

Rain & Snow

It's like when the rain washes the snow away
And forgets when it used to sparkle in the night
And how it fell against the artificial light
There'll be no falling flakes anymore
When the rain comes,
When the rain comes

And I cherish the rain
And everything it takes away
Every bitter drop of pain
And I understand you
For embracing the gain
For standing still in the rain
I don't blame you

When you've rusted, will you remember me
That I never left my marks on you
Instead I unfroze and sugarcoated you
There'll be no one to have your back anymore
When the rain's done,
When the rain's done

And I cherish the rain
And everything it takes away
Every bitter drop of pain
And I understand you
For embracing the gain
For standing still in the rain
I don't blame you

But when you look out through your window pane
And let your fingers trickle with the rain
When you've seen the sun hit the drops and then
Create a rainbow
Remember that once, it used to snow
We used to snow

Purple Sky

When did lightning strike
Down from the purple sky
When was I electrified
When did all my honest words
Become bubbles and secrets
When was I driven to hide

Away from the world
And shielded and safe
Detached from things
Cradled to sleep
Cradled by the void
 

When did I hear thunder
And when did the storms stir
When did I cross these plains
To no man's land
Building castles,
Castles of sand

Away from the world
And shielded and safe
Detached from things
Cradled to sleep
Cradled by the void

I held a mirror to the world
To face my own reflection
What insights were there
That was me
What mirage was there
That was you
That was you

And then lightning struck
Down from the purple sky
And I was electrified
And I became a secret
That no one would ever know
Wastelands, wastelands
Where the wind will always blow

Away from the world
And away from the mirror
Away from the words
And I became a secret
And I drove myself to hide
Down, down, down
From the purple sky

Insomnia Child

We're supposed to be young
Breathtaking and immortal
So swift that we'd dissolve
Under touch
Angelic, flawless
Perfected
Blooming

The sun goes down, down
And colors the sky
Right before the stars appear
With all the questions about life
Every how and why
Every lie

Only you were the goddess
And my fingers trembled
Over your skin, your hair
What must you think of me
I'm not that young
I'm only mortal
As you can see

The sun goes down, down
And colors the sky
Right before the stars appear
With all the questions about life
Every how and why
Every lie

Don't you know that we're all sinners
We're all free and decadent minds
What good is insomnia
Except it bought me time
And still I'm sleepless again
And I've put you on the piedestal
Just like back then
I've made you divine, my friend

The sun goes down, down
And colors the sky
Right before the stars appear
With all the questions about life
Every how and why
Every lie

Am I still young if I'm aged in mind
Am I still fearless when your fear is mine
When my trembling fingers no longer reach you
When you dissolve, under touch
So you were angelic, then
At least I know that much

The sun goes down, down
And colors the sky
Right before the stars appear
With all the questions about life
Every how and why
Every lie

The sun goes down, down
Insomnia child
Right with all the remaining fear
With all the questions about life
You will always be wild
You will always be a lie
And after all the truth is just a teaser

Midnight Walks

And taking midnight walks calms down the thoughts in your head, stirring and screaming as always; calms them down if only for a while. It smells of fallen leaves, smells of long days outdoors, smells of an innocence that went lost a long time ago. And you aim your old sneaker shoe at the piles of leaves and for a moment you remember what it was like, remember when the little things used to mean everything.
When the little things used to mean the world.
Nowadays it's dark when you are out, and you wander your routes to distract yourself from the feeling that the walls are closing in on you, that you will suffocate if you stay but a minute longer in this room. Nowadays you look up at the stars and you don't imagine space travel or different worlds with different life than here, you look up at the stars and you feel that you are meaningless. How everything is meaningless. Where in the picture does the little things come in? How can little things be meaningful? You gave meaning to all the details so you wouldn't have to look at the whole picture, where nothing mattered and where your entire life was molded by chance. How does that feel? Can you feel that knife of cold stabbing through your heart?
It smells like childhood, it smells like October, it's not yet full moon but you can see the brightest star of the sky and maybe, if you really tried, you could imagine it with orbits of planets surrounding it, planets and places and worlds where things were different from here, where maybe there were people who didn't fuck everything up, where maybe things were pretty much like here but at the same time pretty much fucking different. Even so, what would it matter when we'd never know of that world, never know of those places, and even if they existed they would mainly be a creation of your own mind, in order to tell yourself there are other worlds than these. Better worlds than these.
Maybe then you wouldn't find yourself where you don't want to be, maybe then you wouldn't get hurt, maybe then you wouldn't let yourself be used, maybe then you wouldn't be so decadent, maybe if there was a hope for something else, someplace else, someone else, then maybe.
Then maybe what?
There'll always be another maybe, another what-if, another if-only; and you'll keep backtracking your life without ever moving forward and you'll be scared of dying though you're aware you can't affect it. And every night you'll be sleepless, and every other night you'll go for another one of those walks, and every now and then you'll feel like the little things actually matter while other times it'll all be meaningless. And you will change like the seasons of the year, and still you'll always stay the same; cause everything you could never predict will make changes that never seem apparent to you while all the changes you wanted to make will be left alone and you'll swirl further down the spiral of decay, the spiral of decadence, the spiral of youth. One time things won't matter, two time things won't matter, you'll tell yourself you're only in it for the sex while all you wanted was to fall asleep in someone's arms without any demands. You'll tell yourself you only drink because you want to socialize and then you'll be looking at the stars alone over an emptied bottle of wine and you'll wonder why there's salt on your cheeks and why someone wiped the smile off your face. You'll quit smoking a thousand times and then still light one more up when you're standing on the balcony and trying to see if anyone else is awake, if anyone else is up at this hour, just so you could see a sign of life, just so you could feel you weren't the only one who couldn't sleep because you were fucking paranoid.
Does it still smell like childhood?
Does it still smell like long days outdoors building tree houses and drinking warm cocoa when you came back in?
Does it still smell like when you used to play in the woods and for once you could be who you wanted to be, you could forget about the bullies in school and that they teased you because you happened to like books; you could make yourself a makebelieve world and you could be anyone at all, anyone you wanted?
The thoughts in your head are calmed down if only for a while, and then they stir again; and then they scream to you louder than they ever did and speak to you in voices from your past. And you wonder if there was ever any innocence, even as you were young, even as you remember that time you fell down from the cliff in the forest and you fell down onto the sharp rocks below and the fall felt eternal and when you lay there you lost your breath and you saw stars, not the kind of stars you'd see in the sky but red and green stars dancing before your eyes, and everything seems to become darker even though it's in the bright of day, and you have no thoughts or feelings, just a numbness spreading through your body before it hits you that you were lucky, I'll be damned, you were lucky. And you're not bleeding, although tomorrow you will find bruises all over your body and feel like you had been pulled back from something close to death, something close to dying; words you'd never use to describe it then but that suddenly seem real and fucking true now that you think about it.
And you take midnight walks to shake it off, every bad decision you ever made, everyone who fucked with your head and everyone who broke through to you; everytime you took pills, everytime you took out the needle, everytime you ripped the skin off your lips until they bled, everytime you imagined you were happy while you knew you weren't, every time, every time, every time.
You take midnight walks and at least now it's in another place and at least this time there's someone to walk with you and at least this time you don't feel quite as lonely.
At least until the walls close in on you again.
POET IN THE JAR

In The End

It's all easy when you're thinking it over
And you talk it over, logically, sensibly
With the voices in your head
It's all easy, when it's in theory
Easy as can possibly be

Is it still true, the logic in your mind
When it's given you up,
Time after time
What is there to care about
What is there to find
It won't make a difference
Not in the end

In the long run, you think you've done yourself a favor
That you've analyzed things to break your fall
That knowing what'll happen will ease the pain
And by knowing what's been
It won't happen again
Will it matter in the end
When you never listened

Is it still true, the logic in your mind
When it's given you up,
Time after time
What is there to care about
What is there to find
It won't make a difference
Not in the end

It's not as easy as you made it out to be
Not everything can be broken down
And looked at, piece by piece
It's all fucking complicated
The way things are with me
And it has to shine through
Can't you see?
You've got it too

You can't tell yourself what's more true
Or tell yourself what you should want or need
When it comes down to it you'll still have forgotten
And you'll go against yourself again
Mistakes on repeat
Mistakes with me

If mistake is the word
If decadence doesn't cut it
If my mind can't win me over

The Kite Flyer

I keep them butterflies in a jar
In a glass jar with a solid lid
In a glass jar in a cupboard
In a cupboard that I lock
I pity them, in shock
They're parts of me
Them butterflies

Every now and then I let them stretch their wings
Let them flutter and discover things
Until they reach the end of the string
That's when I stop them
And reel them back in
I'm their kite flyer

I feed them butterflies from a vial
A glass vial with a glass cork
A glass vial on a velvet pillow
A pillow in a chest
Beating, at best
They're shards of me
Them butterflies

Every now and then they pull at their strings
Wanting to let go of things
Wanting to fly on fragile wings
That's when I stop them
And reel them back in
I'm their kite flyer

But occasionally it happens I'm not in control
I become the butterflies, become the tow
And disappear among the crows
Black, black wings
I'm the kite
Not the kite flyer
The kite flyer was a lie

What happens is I'm flown by you
And you're the one to pull my strings
Steer me away from everything
Everything I ever wanted to see
When I struggle the most to be free
That's when you reel me in
And put an end to me

I'm kept in your glass jar
In your cupboard
With the glass vial
On the velvet pillow
That's my drug
Vaporize me
I'll never fly
Pin me here already
I'll make it worth your while
I'm not the kite flyer
The kite flyer was a lie

Skeletons

What drives me to do this
To constantly change
Drift around sleepless
Wander about restless
To be uncertain about everything
To doubt why I laugh
To doubt why I cry
Who am I
Who am I

Surely you couldn't have done this
Surely it couldn't have gone that deep
What happened to me happens to them all
And would have disturbed anyone's sleep
It couldn't have been you
It should have been done to you

Why do I tell myself I left you behind
That everything's buried deep and forgotten
I've been told I'm not supposed to remember
I dug you down with the skeletons in my closet
Dug you down where the treasure was not
Now there's only bones
Where X marks the spot
I buried you inside my head
And grieved it all
Before you were dead

I'm not expected to believe in your ghost
Not supposed to let you haunt me, still
Most days go on without you
Until there's a shadow
On the window sill

Suddenly, you're there again
In every voice, every letter
Every scribbled word
Suddenly, you're there again
In my eyes and in my tears
In every song unsung
Unheard

What pushes me to drift like this
Surely it couldn't have been you
Surely you didn't cut me that deep
Surely they all told the truth
And my restlessness can't be blamed on you

In fact I never buried you
Although I grieved you many times
And not remembering would be a lie
But I no longer cherish you
Or see you as divine
It wasn't fate what you saw in me
It was chance that happened down the line
And I'll get better sooner or later
If not live then I'll at least survive
And we've got an appointment now
The world and I
So haunt me later
In a couple of years
When I can afford nostalgia
And a couple of tears
Who am I
Who am I
I'm restless
I'm sleepless

And you drove me to this

Damaged Goods

I can't say I'm sorry I hurt you first
When in the end, you hurt me worst
And now I'm damaged goods
This side up, it's labelled
Fragile, it says, on the box

I never wanted to be dependent on you
I'm a free bird, I wanted the world
Now I'm part of the cargo on a derailing train
That will crash in due time
Smashed against the rocks

Did my sins matter
When they were that small
They must have mattered enough for you
To condemn me
But no one's perfect
You were sinful yourself
Makebelieve angelic
Makebelieve free


I can't say that I'm sorry
Or wish we'd never met
That I didn't finish you
Is my one regret
I should have seen it coming
And defended myself with my life
Instead I let you torture me
And now I'm damaged goods

Smashed against the rocks
Damaged goods, in a fragile box

Of Blood And Butterflies

I've never been on the inside before
Never seen everything from this point of view
Never been the one to be careless
The one to end things that weren't there

On the outside, your world will crumble
Changing everything you thought you knew
On the outside, you will stumble
And I will have forgotten you

All of this is a first for me
What for are all these blasting guns
What for is that river of blood, on the floor
Do you bleed?
Was that me?
I'm blank
I've no memory

On the outside, your world will crumble
Changing everything you thought you knew
On the outside, you will stumble
And I will have forgotten you

Did it hurt you when you passed me through
When I was nothing but a ghost to you
Did you see my cracking and faltering smile
Did you even notice it when I died?

On the outside, my world crumbled
Changing everything I thought I knew
On the outside, I stumbled
And I'm less than nothing
Invisible, to you

I guess I needed it to be done to me
The only way to become apathic and free
If you had known I would become you
That I'd do what you did to others like you
Would it have made any difference?
Would it matter to you?

What's your life now
Apart from an illusion
What happened to your dreams
And everything you wanted to be
Did you pursue any of them
Or did they end with me

You'll never leave
You're rooted to the spot
At least I did something
You did not
Good luck with it all
With imagining things got better

On the inside, your world is crumbling
On the inside, you are stumbling
On the outside, you'll pretend
Pretend until the very end

POET IN THE JAR

Lemonade And Skin Peels

Right, time to do another one of those neat little rants I usually do so well. Redecorating my room in order to redecorate my head, as usual; keeping myself busy to keep myself off track. Nothing new in this, nothing new at all, like in the way I will peel off the skin from my lips whenever my mind and heart tells me it can't make it anymore. I drove, and drove, tired of driving, tired of having to be alert, tired of missing turns and running out of gas; drove while my lips bled, and colored my teeth red. This time there was just a bigger wave than usual with the tide, a worse than usual visit to the city I called home for four years, the place I used to think was big and exciting when I was young and the city I used to associate with my grandmother and lemonade and cookies on the porch. I got older, the world moved on, and the associations got replaced with other visions and other memories that cut me through and feel more real. The memory of a lover who left, the memory of an almost-suicide, the memory of sleeplessness and therapy and depression, the memory of friends failing your trust, the memory of an almost-rape and violent thrust. Old, old, old. I'll rather have the lemonade, rather have the cookies, rather run around on the lawn while my grandfather sprays us with water and we laugh; rather have all the warmth and all the bike rides in the summer and that we used to take sticks and pierce through leaves while pretending we were printing ink in books. Instead I have the times I drank, the times we got high, the times you left me, the times you killed me, killed me, killed me.
It would be so much better if I had ceased to feel, ceased to care, if all the voices in my head had shut up, if it had all had at least made me into a convenient vegetable, then I could understand the point of all this madness that came by randomly but felt as if it was the universe's dark side directed against me personally. I wish it would have taught me not to fall in love with hopeless cases, taught me not to be a hopeless case, taught me not to drink so much, taught me not to care, not to think, not to thoughtlessly hook up, not to thoughtlessly fucking bother. No matter how many times you change the place you live the rest'll be there, luring in the background until it can stab you in the back. Even in a new place, full of new faces, there'll be the same drama, the same tension, the same human fucking disaster that's infected everything and everywhere. The difference is what you choose to do with it in the aspects that you still might have any chance to choose, any chance to affect. In Chasing Ella, Jake says to himself, 'I have to believe I am still in control, I have to believe I can still affect things' with the desire to be in control of what is going to happen and what he is going to do but even as conscious as he is about this he fails. We'll all fail. Even if there's no great destiny out there for us, even if you as Maddy describes in the same book only 'could be something', we still can't pick what's going to happen. We can plan perfectly where to live, what to study, where to work, but we can't choose what we're going to feel, and in my eyes that's what we're all down to in the end. Towards the end all you'll ever really be able to know is what YOU know, what YOU saw, what YOU felt. It makes no sense to dwell on what other people think or see or feel, or try to interpret what they mean by things, when you'll still never be able to quite fully figure them out; and still it's what we do, over and over again, in our meetings with others. We analyze and analyze and analyze and never get them figured out and we never get ourselves figured out and so we pay expensive money for some therapist to try and figure us out and do all the hard work for us. But what can they tell you that you don't already know? You can only know what you know. Experience points, my lad, is what it all comes down to in the end.
POET IN THE PONDERING ANARCHY ONLINE-ISH JAR

Middle Of The Storm

Three minutes away from the storm
I close my eyes and wait for the calm
That maybe the heavy winds
Would suddenly cease
Three minutes away from the brink

My heart racing again
And a million mushrooms
Are sung to my ears
And I laugh, I laugh,
I laugh to myself
Three minutes away
From the brink
From everything

Starting with the ladybug
With the baby carrier
On old-fashioned wheels
With the ominous clouds
With that ominous feel
Three minutes away
From the storm

I laugh, I laugh
I laugh to myself
Three minutes away
From the brink
From everything
And a million mushrooms
Are sung to my ears
I laugh to myself

Laughing in the middle of the storm

Piece Of Paper

I hold a piece of folded paper in my hands
Origami, a letter without letters
In the draft from the windows
I blow on this piece of paper
Meaning to give it wings
Let it fly where I never did
And look at the world with my eyes
Look at it all sadly
And shake its little paper head
Until it's hit by rain

And I close my eyes
And see all the places it saw
Feel its fear, surprise, and awe
It's so small, and shivers
New to this world
Already shunned away

I built a field of torn pages from books
That will never be written
And I made roses from the blank sheets
While the ones with words became the streets
You can step on everything I ever wrote
Step on it to see
All the paper that is still
Empty

This is a little piece of origami
My last chance to make it out alive
A little bird, in my shaking hands
Without words
Without a heart
Only a faint and frantic heartbeat
Afraid of the air, the ground
The staring eyes
Of winter

Please, please, fly
Please, don't crash
I need you to live
Little bird, please
Don't die

You're an extension of me
The only way I can explain myself
To myself, in words
Just fly, don't let your heart explode
Just fly, be blank
And let me go

Little bird
Little piece of paper
In my hands

Melancholia (Castle Made Of Sand)

So, you're some kind of hero in your own eyes
Heroic for saving yourself from pain
While everything else corroded, in the rain
Everything that made sense
And mattered

There is a melancholia you can't explain
You are distant, and turn inward again
Remember the sand that you ran through your fingers
Sand to dust
Dreams to rust

Were you scared of dying or did you value life
When someone took your spark away
The reason you ran, while you were in chains
And nothing made sense
Or mattered


There is a melancholia you can't explain
You are distant, and turn inward again
Remember the sand that you ran through your fingers
Sand to dust
Dreams to rust

Why is there silence at the end of a smile
And hints of truth in every lie
And every night, with every dream
You're shivering
Afraid to sleep

There is a melancholia you can't explain
You are distant, and turn inward again
Remember the sand that you ran through your fingers
Sand to dust
Dreams to rust

Castle made of sand

Green Glass Bottles

I wish love came in green glass bottles
Pop it open, and drink with greed
It would grow into a drug, into a rush
An addiction
That you need

I wish passion came with harpsichords
Then all I'd have to do was listen
It'd be effortless, and painless
And finally
I'd glow

Maybe if there was a stock market for things like this
Everything you ever felt, up for trade
Every emotion, bought and sold
All that you were
Slowly to fade

I wish I wasn't dependent on vials
That I didn't tremble when the glass shattered
All the green glass, the coins, the sounds
The unicorn in the merry go round
It all broke down
It ceased to matter

Drink, with greed
Love, in a bottle
All you need
Listen, and glow
It'll all be crumbling
before you know

Like Air

And you just said that we were like air
Empty and swept away by the wind
Please, to places I never knew
To places I never saw
With you, with the wind
With the breeze

And you, you just said we were a whisper
A whisper to fade away once spoken
Please, don't let me break
Don't let me fade

You're a silent rock, a statue
That I thought would provide the answer
Why it was all so difficult, and hard
Why I was drawn to you
Why I was ripped apart

You, you just whispered to me this is meaningless
That I'm chasing shadows that won't go away
Your voice fades out, the last thing I hear
Before I fall asleep from exhaustion

The only way I fall asleep
These days

Just leave me alone
Just leave me alone
And get out of my head
So maybe I can sleep
Without dreaming
Without your face, and voice
In my dreams

Ambigous

You're dual-minded
And ambigous
Everything about you
Signals to me
I should keep away
Like poison
Dangerous times
And you're venomous
I should keep away
Everything about you
Signals to me
I should keep away
So why can't I?

Better Than Nothing

Ignore me, please, be my guest
You never pursued me,
That was my quest
You're allowed to fight me
Allowed to drive me out
You'll hate me, at best

Even that would be better than nothing
Even to be hated by you
Then at least I'd know you felt something
That there was some kind of place for me
Even if you hated me

Fuck me up, please, darling, do
You never hunted me,
I hunted you
You're allowed to kick me
From your bed and out
And I'll be hating you

Even that would be better than nothing
Even to be hated by you
Then at least I'd know you felt something
That there was some kind of place for me
Even if you hated me


I didn't know I could still feel
That things could appear solid, and real
And I thought you were just temporary
A one time thing, with you and me
What happened to it all, to my head
After just one time
With you,
In your bed


Even that would be better than nothing
Even to be hated by you
Then at least I'd know you felt something
That there was some kind of place for me
Even if you hated me

Even if you hated me
darling

Push Away

Every thought is pushed away, pushed away
Look, distraction tears your mind apart
Then maybe you won't think of me
And imagine all of what could have been

Every thought is pushed away, pushed away

Maybe if I didn't look you in the eyes
Maybe if I didn't take you seriously
Maybe if I didn't listen
Maybe if I didn't care

Every thought would be pushed away, pushed away
I could focus on what I needed to
And maybe wouldn't think of you
Imagining all that we could have been

Every thought is pushed away, pushed away

Maybe if you didn't look so concerned
Maybe if the darkness hadn't clutched you
Maybe I could repress all that had been
And imagine it wouldn't get better again

Every thought is pushed away, pushed away
Please, distraction, tear my mind apart
I can't live with this, with you
I can't fucking live
Without you

Voices & Liars

I think I am about to burst
All the dreams about to break
The bubble I made for myself
So thin, so weak
About to snap

Cause things aren't like I was told in my head
Before the voices turned against me
Before they pretended to be you
And all my dreams are dying
And all my dreams are dead

I think I am about to fall
Like when you're sleeping
And you're pulled awake
So delicate
And you quiver

Cause things aren't like I was told in my head
Before the voices turned against me
Before they pretended to be you
And all my dreams are dying
And all my dreams are dead

And you said, forget me
And I really tried
But the voices became you
And told me you lied
Told me there was time

But things aren't like I was told in my head
When the voices had turned against me
When they pretended to be you
And all my dreams are dying
And all my dreams are dead

And your soothing voice
Still lying, in my head

Decadent One

And everything that applies to everyone else
Excludes you from the equation
I have to give a shit,
You don't have to care
Is that fair?
I couldn't say

You can throw up from yesterday
And fuck around
Get on those drugs that you despised
To get that high
So you won't have to think
Or feel
But I can't
It doesn't apply to me

You don't own decadence
And I have the right to be
Just as fucked up as you
You don't own ignorance
So don't be fucking ignorant
Of me

You're the only one that matters
The only one you know and love
I have to obey
Your imaginary rules
Is that true?
I couldn't say

You can exclude everything real
And be proud
That nothing ever touches you
Nothing breaks you
So you won't have to think
Or feel
But I can't
It doesn't apply to me

You don't own decadence
And I have the right to be
Just as fucked up as you
You don't own ignorance
So don't be fucking ignorant
Of me

Actually I was always the decadent one
While I made you angry, hit and run
How do I explain this to myself?
That I can't stand myself
For teaching you this shit was okay
Is that fair?
I couldn't say


You don't own decadence
And I have the right to be
Just as fucked up as you
You don't own ignorance
So don't be fucking ignorant
Of me

Daydream, Paralysis

Weave a world in your head
And pretend that you're still alive
Pretend like you bounced back up,
Time after time
In your head, you can have it all

In this wonderland I'm not dead
I can still care and love and need
And make an effort
Out of wasted plans
In my head

Fairytale, get out of my bed
Make room for me, and only me
You call yourself perfect
And then break in two
Daydream, paralysis
I don't fucking need you

Keep the show up and running
Be an actor, someone who isn't you
When you're tired of your shell
Of being trapped
In your own mind

Death, come closer
You used to cherish life
Without a fucking clue
What it all was about
Until someone broke through
And became you

Fairytale, get out of my bed
Make room for me, and only me
You call yourself perfect
And then break in two
Daydream, paralysis
I don't fucking need you

Play & Games

And every time you speak I hear a lie
Whenever I die you spring to life
Every full moon I don't sleep
And you pass someone else off
That you couldn't keep

It's gone beyond pretending
Beyond silly play and games
You had me hooked, then discarded me
Looking for change
You became the stranger


Whenever I hear you I shut you out
Whenever I listen I'm breaking down
Every night there's nightmares for me
And you're sound asleep
Unaware of me

It's gone beyond pretending
Beyond silly play and games
You had me hooked, then discarded me
Looking for change
You became the stranger

I want to believe in 02.43
That you're awake, same as me
Struggling with your anxiety
That your world is lonely
Lonely like mine

It's gone beyond pretending
Beyond silly play and games
You had me hooked, then discarded me
Looking for change
You became the stranger

And I've never been a saint
Should be taking half the blame
You're only repeating my mistakes
You're only doing just the same

And still I take it all out on you
And still I blame it all on you

Who Am I To Say?

Who am I to say
I have no right, no place
Who am I to say?

I said I'd never think of you
Never lie awake at night because of you
Never go through the phone book
Looking for you and wanting to dial you
Never, ever would I think of you

But who am I to say
I have no right, no place
Who am I to say?

And I'd never imagine you were here
That maybe you rocked me to sleep
And made me feel safe and real
I'd never miss the way we slept together
The way you'd kiss my ear
Never, ever, would I think of you

Who am I to say?
I've no right, no place
Who am I to say?

I'd never build my world around you
And never make an illusion that could fall down on me
It'd be better that way
I'd never chase you
I'd never remember
Or think of you

Who am I to say?
Am I better off now anyway?
Who am I to say?

And I promised myself I would forget about you
Never be jealous of one more fuck or two
Never care that you didn't come to me
Never give a shit that you didn't see

It's not in my place
I've no right, no say
So who am I to say?

Post-Visit Anxiety

I'm back in Skövde for a couple of days and I'm anxious as hell. The regular old post-drunkness anxiety, mixed with that feeling of everything returning to normal after a hectic week. At least what's normal is better than what it used to be. Things are overall better here. I chose to come here. And finally I'm here. It's been exceeding my expectations so far, and I guess I should be feeling lucky, but currently I'm not. There's too much shit going on everywhere, people lying and going behind eachother's backs like fucking crazy. No one's honest. No one's happy. They all live in their illusion, and pretend that everything's perfect so that no one will question what they chose to do with their lives. Someone is a molester, someone else protects them. Liars cover for liars. People hate and love eachother, all at once, and everything is complicated. I'd rather not go back there if I could avoid it, but I need the money and I have a couple of days free next week before university introduction starts on the 30th. The money is my motivation. If there'll be any.
I took a walk this morning to try and clear my head from drunkness. Took a walk to the pond, stuck my head in the water. The rain had already soaked me through. It was cold as hell and fucking divine. If a one hour walk in the rain can help me clear my head then so be it. Unfortunately, I'd neglected to tell anyone I was leaving the house, hence having everyone look for me and my mom freaking out thinking I had gone to kill myself. Just the regular drama at the house... just as always. I feel like pulling the blankets over my head and not leave the house or answer the phone for like, a year. All I need for company is Dallas Green in my ears anyway...
Maybe I should go do something constructive now, like maybe do that cleaning I said I'd do. Or I don't know. Disassemble a desk.
POET IN THE JAR

China Doll

Who am I
I'm flesh and blood
My body is mine
To give away, to kill
To rip apart
To thrill

But it aint yours for the taking
I'm a china doll in the making

Who am I
Lost in the flood
My mind is mine
To entertain
To cut in two
To soak in rain

But I aint yours for the taking
I'm a china doll in the making

I used to be stronger
I used to be of steel
You broke through me
With violence
With twisted lust
For every thrust


But I aint yours for the taking
You can be the china doll
You should be the one breaking

Living A Lie

You washed your hands so many times
Coloring the water brown and black
Muddy canals from your fingers
That water can't wash away
Your stains

You're a shining jewel, a pretty gem
Vision of the future, in a cell
Muddy water from your eyes
The tears won't wash away
Your pain

How can you still pretend?
How can you smile?
You're living a lie
You're living a lie

You share your days with death
He sleeps with you at night
And strokes your hair
He sets you on fire
In flames

How can you still pretend?
How can you smile?
You're living a lie
You're living a lie

The pain that he rips in you
The pain is mine
When he strokes you
In your dreams
He's haunting mine

How can you still pretend?
How can you smile?
After what he did
After I died
You're living a lie

Contrary-Wise

Lie down in the grass
I drowned in the dew
The drops rose over my head
Until I saw it all
Through a blur

The rest of the world,
All of it, is an illusion
In the middle, you're torn
Between contradictions

You want to feel safe,
You want things to change
You're trying your wings,
You stay within range
Contrary-wise

You've got blinded eyes

Lie down in the sun
I dreamed of you
I saw you in the water
Saw you smiling
Until you faded

The rest of the world,
All of it, is an illusion
In the middle, you're torn
Between contradictions

You want to feel safe,
You want things to change
You're trying your wings,
You stay within range
Contrary-wise
You've got blinded eyes

Rifts Between The Hills

There was a time we were together
When it was simpler than this
We stood there, rock, boulder
With eachother's weights
On our shoulders

There was a time the world was free
Open to roam, for you and me
Tied together, in wonder
The world isn't like that
Any longer

Time flew, dreams grew
Into rifts between the hills
I've hated you, and loved you
With some of each still
Cheap thrill
Cheap kill

There was a place for those like us
We saw it, and conquered
We stood together, amazed
The world has lost it
All its grace

Time flew, dreams grew
Into rifts between the hills
I've hated you, and loved you
With some of each still
Cheap thrill
Cheap kill

The world was ours when we believed
In every grain of our fantasies
As easily as we imagined
As easily we died,
My friend

Time flew, dreams grew
Into rifts between the hills
I've hated you, and loved you
With some of each still
Cheap thrill
Cheap kill

Defiant Angel

Who are you to define this feeling?
To bottle me up like a drug
Telling me who I am
And what's wrong with me
My diagnosis
It'll all be solved if I grind my way
Through the system

Hat's off to your majesty
Your words are almighty
The sheets of paper
That decide my life
Circle around
Telling me who I am
Who I'm supposed to be

Once, I forgot a detail
Once, I forgot a smile
And the way back uphill
Wasn't worth my while
Call me bipolar
Call me a lie
I'll still be in exile
Trying to hide

I'm not a rebel, anymore
No defiant angel
It's easier to swallow your drugs
And walze through your system
Through all the tunnels you dug
For your trains

Glory, your majesty
I bow to you,
I'm on my knees
For making me realize
My own disease
Medicate me
Have me sedated
Take away my pain


Once, I forgot a detail
Once, I forgot a smile
And the way back uphill
Wasn't worth my while
Call me bipolar
Call me a lie
You found me, in exile
Trying to hide

POET in the JAR

Cardboard Boxes

A shard of my old life
In a cardboard box
A splinter of my life
In a cardboard box
And a photograph
I'd forgotten I had

A cup of coffee in the morning
To wake me from my sleep
But there's still vacuum
In my dreams

A shard of my new life
Living day by day
Oh, one by one
I took all the boxes
To a different place
And a scribbled note
By your shaking hands

A cup of coffee in the morning
To wake me from my sleep
But there's still vacuum
In my dreams

As if it hadn't been
As if I hadn't been there
They erased all reminders
That kept my stare

They said you'd died
It's easier like that
With you dead
That I'd forget
And clear my mind
With you dead

But there's still vacuum
There's still vacuum
There's still vacuum
In my dreams

Rainfall Bay

It's never silent in Silent City
No other place is as loud
The name is misplaced
And withers away
As if they had thought they could change

It's never quiet inside my mind
Even when I rest
When I sleep at night
My thoughts are too many
They wither away
As if I had thought I could change

This lane goes straight through me
Straight through the tunnel you drilled
And life runs me over, over again
Reliving the times I was killed

It never rains by Rainfall Bay
Maybe your tears could wash it away
The lighthouse by the sea
Bewildering me
As if you had thought I could change

This lane goes straight through me
Straight through the tunnel you drilled
And life runs me over, over again
Reliving the times I was killed

As if I had thought you could change

POET IN THE JAR

Face Punches

Why is it always that when things seem to work out pretty nicely something simply HAS to come around and punch you in the face? Or stomach? Or any other appropriate place where a punch would feel appropriate. There was a reason I left this place, I'm not blaming anyone cause really it's nobody's fault and I know this. But somehow still it's just easy to see all the bad and not the good, see all the drama and all the bullshit rather than all the other stuff... though I haven't been away from here any more than like, two weeks, this city feels totally alien, it's just not me anymore. My new life and heart is in Skövde and that's where I'll stay, like honestly, after Midsummer's, if I'm going home I am going home to the countryside and not to this city. It's just full of people that I well have either a bad history with or they make me associate with bad history (yes I'm aware I'm a difficult person but yeah that's just who I am). Queen said the other day that I don't have the exclusive right to be depressed, and that I've been depressed since birth, ha. I was feeling pretty good, I am feeling pretty good, every  second that I'm in my new city and not here, every second that I'm there I'm just fine. Getting my own room is going to be simply awesome I can tell. My place is not here, my place is not there either probably, it's someplace either where I can well allow myself to be myself and just grow and well just be without all the bad shit that comes along with its wake.

Today I was packing out the last stuff in my old apartment, stumbled on some scribbles from my ex and totally broke down, I feel like a widow, I'm acting just the way a widow would and as if he had died rather than decided to walk out of my life and well nothing more to that. But he did die, part of me died, I guess something must have died in order to give life to this, my new life, my new situation? Something had to be really really bad in order to be good, and I really mean it was bad. You wouldn't know how far it went even if I told you.

Anyway waiting for my friends to come over into this borrowed apartment cause they missed their bus home, better get ready and make room for them. Tomorrow I'll be attending Pier Pressure for the first time since last time haha, well since 2007 or something, possibly 2008? Either way I don't care, tomorrow will be 2010 and that's all I really care about. So see you tomorrow among all the beers and awesome bands and the beautiful, wonderful James.

POET IN THE JAR

Cancer Growth

I am the voice of your whisper
The words on your broken lips
Lips turning into butterflies
Fluttering their wings
Into the ashes you sing

I'm the skin on your fingers
Between you and the world
Your shield, your illusion
Protection against
Everything

You're silent, these days
You don't speak
Even in whispers
No one that listens

You lost your touch
Your way with things
And all your grace
All these days

I'm here, waiting
For a word to be spoken
I'm here, broken

Cancer, dark poison, spreads
Shadows, visual echoes
Of the dead

Det döda i din röst
Det döda i dina ögon
I dina fingrar

Du finns ännu
Och du lever

Men jag, som är del av dig
Fick ge efter och dö
För din överlevnad

I'm waiting, broken
All unspoken
You broke me
To survive

You're cancer now
And you thrive

____________________________________

This is another hybrid piece with elements of both English and Swedish. It's simply the way it turned out as I wrote it off my head at 1 AM in the morning. The part in Swedish translates as follows.

"The dead in your voice
The dead in your eyes
In your fingers

You still exist
And you're alive

But I, who am part of you
Had to give in and die
For your survival"

POET in the JAR

Settling In

Moving always gives you some perspective on life, good or bad. When you're driving out of your old city, you suddenly remember everything that happened there, every loss you had, every kiss you had, every friend you had, everything. Every place you lived. Everything you did. A couple years of your life chucked on the garbage pile labelling it "Baggage".
The new place won't be much different. It'll have the same kind of drama and the same kind of everyday commotion. But it will be new to you, because you have never seen it before, and you see it with different eyes.
I'm seeing things with different eyes and everything here seems just better than before. I don't think it has anything to do really with the city, though this city indeed is pretty cozy; I think it has to do with this. Suddenly I have school and I find it so interesting that I long to go to school. It's five minutes away by bike, I live in a dorm hall where everyone is being social with eachother and making me feel welcome. And I don't have to spend my hours of my days going to a job that was supposed to be temporary and that I never really wanted to have.
I'm listening to Simon & Garfunkel, my mother's favorite artist, such beautiful songs, and writing this just as a little update for you guys. Though both sad and uplifting as it is I believe I will really come to love it here. Part of me already does. I will love it even more when I have my own room to decorate.
POET in the JAR

Throne Of Gold

Throne of gold
Would be yours
You'd climb the world
Turning your back on everything
All the needles
Every sin

You told me we'd scream
Empty our lungs
To all the world
I believed you, and your dreams
We could be great
Make our names

I was climbing the world
The highest mountain there was
Pursuing every hope I was denied
Because of your promises
But you lied

You're not going for the sky
You're not building that ladder
If that hope wasn't true for you
Were those dreams unreal
For me too?

Throne of gold
Won't be yours
You won't chase it
I'm all alone

With my dreams

Puppet, Doll

My sleep is calm,
And undisturbed
I don't look back
At your attacks
When I was hurt

This my cocoon, now
This the safest place, of all
Curtains closing, puppet
Curtains closing, doll
Come sleep here

That innocence I lost
So many times
Stabbing my heart
Raping my mind
I look away, puppet

I look away, doll

And I sleep

Calm and undisturbed

Imprints

These eyes, they're dead eyes
This smile's a dead smile
And I'm empty inside
A window pane
With the imprint

Of your hand

It shows in my eyes
When I slant my head
And repeat myself
With every spoken word
You can tell
With every whisper
From my hell

The rebel spark in me, is dying
The voice in my head is lying
I can't be anything
Can't have it all
That's the illusion
They built for my fall

These hands, are frozen hands
This knot, a rusted rope
And I'm empty inside
A window in rain
With the imprint

Of your fingers

My Bloody Hands

At first you had my pardon
While you were in shock, I pitied you
I was sorry for your loss
For disturbing you
With bloody hands

My wild collided with your calm
Ruining everything you knew
Stirring winds and storms
In your sky, so clear, so blue
Your innocence, doll, your smile
I run it down, as we collide

At first, I felt for you
The broken china, repairing you
I wanted to glue us together
I was healing you
With bloody hands

My wild collided with your calm
Ruining everything you knew
Stirring winds and storms
In your sky, so clear, so blue
Your innocence, doll, your smile
I run it down, as we collide

By now I fear for you
For everything you seek into
It was my blood, on my hands
You didn't see
My selfless hands

My wild collided with your calm
Ruining everything you knew
Stirring winds and storms
In your sky, so clear, so blue
Your innocence, doll, your smile
I run it down, as we collide

By now, you're in debt to me
Even while scared you should care for me
And be sorry for my scars
The devil applied
On my bloody hands

My wild collided with your calm
Taking away safe, replacing with harm
Stirring whirlwinds, and hurricanes
And burning the barn
Your innocence, doll, your smile
I run it down, as we collide...

Bricks & Pillars

Oh, you felt guilty for everything
That's weighed you down
And you have felt like the tower
Now crashing to the ground
I don't blame you for your love
I don't blame you for what was

Come closer, I can pass my love to you
What little I got left, we could split in two
Come closer, I can give you my hand
Lead your way, through your day

And I'll help you build
Your golden bricks, and silver pillars
And I will lift you up
Don't give up, yet
Don't give in, my friend
Though I know this feels like the end
I know this feels like the end

I know you feel selfish, for mourning
All that you were given
And you have felt like a dying stream
I don't blame you for your love
I just won't let you drown,
let you down

Come closer, I can pass some love to you
What little I got left, we could split in two
Come closer, little angel made of dust
Don't stay there in the rain,
I won't let you rust

Now we build your golden bricks
and silver pillars
And I will lift you up
Don't give up, yet
Don't give in, my friend
Though I know this feels like the end
I know this feels like the end

Of us

____________________________

A song meant for my Karoliina Piispa.
Hang in there.
POET IN THE JAR