What were you doing in my drunken conversation
Stirring me to tears that seemed completely irrelevant
To everyone else
I thought I told you I had shunned you out
And that you weren't welcome, inside my head
I thought I told you it would pass with time
And you wouldn't make these appearances
In my mind
What were you doing, interrupting my life
The one I always said I dreamed of
Maybe in my dreams it wasn't this decadent
But what is the difference
Except that you were a part of this dream once
And now you're only part of nightmares
And you made me lose faith in everything
And you made me suspicious towards everyone
And I can let them close but I can't let them catch me
What were you doing, with the drunken me
In my drunken conversation
I never asked for you to come.
Friday, October 29
Saturday, October 23
Rain & Snow
It's like when the rain washes the snow away
And forgets when it used to sparkle in the night
And how it fell against the artificial light
There'll be no falling flakes anymore
When the rain comes,
When the rain comes
And I cherish the rain
And everything it takes away
Every bitter drop of pain
And I understand you
For embracing the gain
For standing still in the rain
I don't blame you
When you've rusted, will you remember me
That I never left my marks on you
Instead I unfroze and sugarcoated you
There'll be no one to have your back anymore
When the rain's done,
When the rain's done
And I cherish the rain
And everything it takes away
Every bitter drop of pain
And I understand you
For embracing the gain
For standing still in the rain
I don't blame you
But when you look out through your window pane
And let your fingers trickle with the rain
When you've seen the sun hit the drops and then
Create a rainbow
Remember that once, it used to snow
We used to snow
And forgets when it used to sparkle in the night
And how it fell against the artificial light
There'll be no falling flakes anymore
When the rain comes,
When the rain comes
And I cherish the rain
And everything it takes away
Every bitter drop of pain
And I understand you
For embracing the gain
For standing still in the rain
I don't blame you
When you've rusted, will you remember me
That I never left my marks on you
Instead I unfroze and sugarcoated you
There'll be no one to have your back anymore
When the rain's done,
When the rain's done
And I cherish the rain
And everything it takes away
Every bitter drop of pain
And I understand you
For embracing the gain
For standing still in the rain
I don't blame you
But when you look out through your window pane
And let your fingers trickle with the rain
When you've seen the sun hit the drops and then
Create a rainbow
Remember that once, it used to snow
We used to snow
Thursday, October 21
Purple Sky
When did lightning strike
Down from the purple sky
When was I electrified
When did all my honest words
Become bubbles and secrets
When was I driven to hide
Away from the world
And shielded and safe
Detached from things
Cradled to sleep
Cradled by the void
When did I hear thunder
And when did the storms stir
When did I cross these plains
To no man's land
Building castles,
Castles of sand
Away from the world
And shielded and safe
Detached from things
Cradled to sleep
Cradled by the void
I held a mirror to the world
To face my own reflection
What insights were there
That was me
What mirage was there
That was you
That was you
And then lightning struck
Down from the purple sky
And I was electrified
And I became a secret
That no one would ever know
Wastelands, wastelands
Where the wind will always blow
Away from the world
And away from the mirror
Away from the words
And I became a secret
And I drove myself to hide
Down, down, down
From the purple sky
Down from the purple sky
When was I electrified
When did all my honest words
Become bubbles and secrets
When was I driven to hide
Away from the world
And shielded and safe
Detached from things
Cradled to sleep
Cradled by the void
When did I hear thunder
And when did the storms stir
When did I cross these plains
To no man's land
Building castles,
Castles of sand
Away from the world
And shielded and safe
Detached from things
Cradled to sleep
Cradled by the void
I held a mirror to the world
To face my own reflection
What insights were there
That was me
What mirage was there
That was you
That was you
And then lightning struck
Down from the purple sky
And I was electrified
And I became a secret
That no one would ever know
Wastelands, wastelands
Where the wind will always blow
Away from the world
And away from the mirror
Away from the words
And I became a secret
And I drove myself to hide
Down, down, down
From the purple sky
Sunday, October 17
Insomnia Child
We're supposed to be young
Breathtaking and immortal
So swift that we'd dissolve
Under touch
Angelic, flawless
Perfected
Blooming
The sun goes down, down
And colors the sky
Right before the stars appear
With all the questions about life
Every how and why
Every lie
Only you were the goddess
And my fingers trembled
Over your skin, your hair
What must you think of me
I'm not that young
I'm only mortal
As you can see
The sun goes down, down
And colors the sky
Right before the stars appear
With all the questions about life
Every how and why
Every lie
Don't you know that we're all sinners
We're all free and decadent minds
What good is insomnia
Except it bought me time
And still I'm sleepless again
And I've put you on the piedestal
Just like back then
I've made you divine, my friend
The sun goes down, down
And colors the sky
Right before the stars appear
With all the questions about life
Every how and why
Every lie
Am I still young if I'm aged in mind
Am I still fearless when your fear is mine
When my trembling fingers no longer reach you
When you dissolve, under touch
So you were angelic, then
At least I know that much
The sun goes down, down
And colors the sky
Right before the stars appear
With all the questions about life
Every how and why
Every lie
The sun goes down, down
Insomnia child
Right with all the remaining fear
With all the questions about life
You will always be wild
You will always be a lie
And after all the truth is just a teaser
Breathtaking and immortal
So swift that we'd dissolve
Under touch
Angelic, flawless
Perfected
Blooming
The sun goes down, down
And colors the sky
Right before the stars appear
With all the questions about life
Every how and why
Every lie
Only you were the goddess
And my fingers trembled
Over your skin, your hair
What must you think of me
I'm not that young
I'm only mortal
As you can see
The sun goes down, down
And colors the sky
Right before the stars appear
With all the questions about life
Every how and why
Every lie
Don't you know that we're all sinners
We're all free and decadent minds
What good is insomnia
Except it bought me time
And still I'm sleepless again
And I've put you on the piedestal
Just like back then
I've made you divine, my friend
The sun goes down, down
And colors the sky
Right before the stars appear
With all the questions about life
Every how and why
Every lie
Am I still young if I'm aged in mind
Am I still fearless when your fear is mine
When my trembling fingers no longer reach you
When you dissolve, under touch
So you were angelic, then
At least I know that much
The sun goes down, down
And colors the sky
Right before the stars appear
With all the questions about life
Every how and why
Every lie
The sun goes down, down
Insomnia child
Right with all the remaining fear
With all the questions about life
You will always be wild
You will always be a lie
And after all the truth is just a teaser
Friday, October 15
Midnight Walks
And taking midnight walks calms down the thoughts in your head, stirring and screaming as always; calms them down if only for a while. It smells of fallen leaves, smells of long days outdoors, smells of an innocence that went lost a long time ago. And you aim your old sneaker shoe at the piles of leaves and for a moment you remember what it was like, remember when the little things used to mean everything.
When the little things used to mean the world.
Nowadays it's dark when you are out, and you wander your routes to distract yourself from the feeling that the walls are closing in on you, that you will suffocate if you stay but a minute longer in this room. Nowadays you look up at the stars and you don't imagine space travel or different worlds with different life than here, you look up at the stars and you feel that you are meaningless. How everything is meaningless. Where in the picture does the little things come in? How can little things be meaningful? You gave meaning to all the details so you wouldn't have to look at the whole picture, where nothing mattered and where your entire life was molded by chance. How does that feel? Can you feel that knife of cold stabbing through your heart?
It smells like childhood, it smells like October, it's not yet full moon but you can see the brightest star of the sky and maybe, if you really tried, you could imagine it with orbits of planets surrounding it, planets and places and worlds where things were different from here, where maybe there were people who didn't fuck everything up, where maybe things were pretty much like here but at the same time pretty much fucking different. Even so, what would it matter when we'd never know of that world, never know of those places, and even if they existed they would mainly be a creation of your own mind, in order to tell yourself there are other worlds than these. Better worlds than these.
Maybe then you wouldn't find yourself where you don't want to be, maybe then you wouldn't get hurt, maybe then you wouldn't let yourself be used, maybe then you wouldn't be so decadent, maybe if there was a hope for something else, someplace else, someone else, then maybe.
Then maybe what?
There'll always be another maybe, another what-if, another if-only; and you'll keep backtracking your life without ever moving forward and you'll be scared of dying though you're aware you can't affect it. And every night you'll be sleepless, and every other night you'll go for another one of those walks, and every now and then you'll feel like the little things actually matter while other times it'll all be meaningless. And you will change like the seasons of the year, and still you'll always stay the same; cause everything you could never predict will make changes that never seem apparent to you while all the changes you wanted to make will be left alone and you'll swirl further down the spiral of decay, the spiral of decadence, the spiral of youth. One time things won't matter, two time things won't matter, you'll tell yourself you're only in it for the sex while all you wanted was to fall asleep in someone's arms without any demands. You'll tell yourself you only drink because you want to socialize and then you'll be looking at the stars alone over an emptied bottle of wine and you'll wonder why there's salt on your cheeks and why someone wiped the smile off your face. You'll quit smoking a thousand times and then still light one more up when you're standing on the balcony and trying to see if anyone else is awake, if anyone else is up at this hour, just so you could see a sign of life, just so you could feel you weren't the only one who couldn't sleep because you were fucking paranoid.
Does it still smell like childhood?
Does it still smell like long days outdoors building tree houses and drinking warm cocoa when you came back in?
Does it still smell like when you used to play in the woods and for once you could be who you wanted to be, you could forget about the bullies in school and that they teased you because you happened to like books; you could make yourself a makebelieve world and you could be anyone at all, anyone you wanted?
The thoughts in your head are calmed down if only for a while, and then they stir again; and then they scream to you louder than they ever did and speak to you in voices from your past. And you wonder if there was ever any innocence, even as you were young, even as you remember that time you fell down from the cliff in the forest and you fell down onto the sharp rocks below and the fall felt eternal and when you lay there you lost your breath and you saw stars, not the kind of stars you'd see in the sky but red and green stars dancing before your eyes, and everything seems to become darker even though it's in the bright of day, and you have no thoughts or feelings, just a numbness spreading through your body before it hits you that you were lucky, I'll be damned, you were lucky. And you're not bleeding, although tomorrow you will find bruises all over your body and feel like you had been pulled back from something close to death, something close to dying; words you'd never use to describe it then but that suddenly seem real and fucking true now that you think about it.
And you take midnight walks to shake it off, every bad decision you ever made, everyone who fucked with your head and everyone who broke through to you; everytime you took pills, everytime you took out the needle, everytime you ripped the skin off your lips until they bled, everytime you imagined you were happy while you knew you weren't, every time, every time, every time.
You take midnight walks and at least now it's in another place and at least this time there's someone to walk with you and at least this time you don't feel quite as lonely.
At least until the walls close in on you again.
POET IN THE JAR
When the little things used to mean the world.
Nowadays it's dark when you are out, and you wander your routes to distract yourself from the feeling that the walls are closing in on you, that you will suffocate if you stay but a minute longer in this room. Nowadays you look up at the stars and you don't imagine space travel or different worlds with different life than here, you look up at the stars and you feel that you are meaningless. How everything is meaningless. Where in the picture does the little things come in? How can little things be meaningful? You gave meaning to all the details so you wouldn't have to look at the whole picture, where nothing mattered and where your entire life was molded by chance. How does that feel? Can you feel that knife of cold stabbing through your heart?
It smells like childhood, it smells like October, it's not yet full moon but you can see the brightest star of the sky and maybe, if you really tried, you could imagine it with orbits of planets surrounding it, planets and places and worlds where things were different from here, where maybe there were people who didn't fuck everything up, where maybe things were pretty much like here but at the same time pretty much fucking different. Even so, what would it matter when we'd never know of that world, never know of those places, and even if they existed they would mainly be a creation of your own mind, in order to tell yourself there are other worlds than these. Better worlds than these.
Maybe then you wouldn't find yourself where you don't want to be, maybe then you wouldn't get hurt, maybe then you wouldn't let yourself be used, maybe then you wouldn't be so decadent, maybe if there was a hope for something else, someplace else, someone else, then maybe.
Then maybe what?
There'll always be another maybe, another what-if, another if-only; and you'll keep backtracking your life without ever moving forward and you'll be scared of dying though you're aware you can't affect it. And every night you'll be sleepless, and every other night you'll go for another one of those walks, and every now and then you'll feel like the little things actually matter while other times it'll all be meaningless. And you will change like the seasons of the year, and still you'll always stay the same; cause everything you could never predict will make changes that never seem apparent to you while all the changes you wanted to make will be left alone and you'll swirl further down the spiral of decay, the spiral of decadence, the spiral of youth. One time things won't matter, two time things won't matter, you'll tell yourself you're only in it for the sex while all you wanted was to fall asleep in someone's arms without any demands. You'll tell yourself you only drink because you want to socialize and then you'll be looking at the stars alone over an emptied bottle of wine and you'll wonder why there's salt on your cheeks and why someone wiped the smile off your face. You'll quit smoking a thousand times and then still light one more up when you're standing on the balcony and trying to see if anyone else is awake, if anyone else is up at this hour, just so you could see a sign of life, just so you could feel you weren't the only one who couldn't sleep because you were fucking paranoid.
Does it still smell like childhood?
Does it still smell like long days outdoors building tree houses and drinking warm cocoa when you came back in?
Does it still smell like when you used to play in the woods and for once you could be who you wanted to be, you could forget about the bullies in school and that they teased you because you happened to like books; you could make yourself a makebelieve world and you could be anyone at all, anyone you wanted?
The thoughts in your head are calmed down if only for a while, and then they stir again; and then they scream to you louder than they ever did and speak to you in voices from your past. And you wonder if there was ever any innocence, even as you were young, even as you remember that time you fell down from the cliff in the forest and you fell down onto the sharp rocks below and the fall felt eternal and when you lay there you lost your breath and you saw stars, not the kind of stars you'd see in the sky but red and green stars dancing before your eyes, and everything seems to become darker even though it's in the bright of day, and you have no thoughts or feelings, just a numbness spreading through your body before it hits you that you were lucky, I'll be damned, you were lucky. And you're not bleeding, although tomorrow you will find bruises all over your body and feel like you had been pulled back from something close to death, something close to dying; words you'd never use to describe it then but that suddenly seem real and fucking true now that you think about it.
And you take midnight walks to shake it off, every bad decision you ever made, everyone who fucked with your head and everyone who broke through to you; everytime you took pills, everytime you took out the needle, everytime you ripped the skin off your lips until they bled, everytime you imagined you were happy while you knew you weren't, every time, every time, every time.
You take midnight walks and at least now it's in another place and at least this time there's someone to walk with you and at least this time you don't feel quite as lonely.
At least until the walls close in on you again.
POET IN THE JAR
Monday, October 11
In The End
It's all easy when you're thinking it over
And you talk it over, logically, sensibly
With the voices in your head
It's all easy, when it's in theory
Easy as can possibly be
Is it still true, the logic in your mind
When it's given you up,
Time after time
What is there to care about
What is there to find
It won't make a difference
Not in the end
In the long run, you think you've done yourself a favor
That you've analyzed things to break your fall
That knowing what'll happen will ease the pain
And by knowing what's been
It won't happen again
Will it matter in the end
When you never listened
Is it still true, the logic in your mind
When it's given you up,
Time after time
What is there to care about
What is there to find
It won't make a difference
Not in the end
It's not as easy as you made it out to be
Not everything can be broken down
And looked at, piece by piece
It's all fucking complicated
The way things are with me
And it has to shine through
Can't you see?
You've got it too
You can't tell yourself what's more true
Or tell yourself what you should want or need
When it comes down to it you'll still have forgotten
And you'll go against yourself again
Mistakes on repeat
Mistakes with me
If mistake is the word
If decadence doesn't cut it
If my mind can't win me over
And you talk it over, logically, sensibly
With the voices in your head
It's all easy, when it's in theory
Easy as can possibly be
Is it still true, the logic in your mind
When it's given you up,
Time after time
What is there to care about
What is there to find
It won't make a difference
Not in the end
In the long run, you think you've done yourself a favor
That you've analyzed things to break your fall
That knowing what'll happen will ease the pain
And by knowing what's been
It won't happen again
Will it matter in the end
When you never listened
Is it still true, the logic in your mind
When it's given you up,
Time after time
What is there to care about
What is there to find
It won't make a difference
Not in the end
It's not as easy as you made it out to be
Not everything can be broken down
And looked at, piece by piece
It's all fucking complicated
The way things are with me
And it has to shine through
Can't you see?
You've got it too
You can't tell yourself what's more true
Or tell yourself what you should want or need
When it comes down to it you'll still have forgotten
And you'll go against yourself again
Mistakes on repeat
Mistakes with me
If mistake is the word
If decadence doesn't cut it
If my mind can't win me over
Friday, October 8
The Kite Flyer
I keep them butterflies in a jar
In a glass jar with a solid lid
In a glass jar in a cupboard
In a cupboard that I lock
I pity them, in shock
They're parts of me
Them butterflies
Every now and then I let them stretch their wings
Let them flutter and discover things
Until they reach the end of the string
That's when I stop them
And reel them back in
I'm their kite flyer
I feed them butterflies from a vial
A glass vial with a glass cork
A glass vial on a velvet pillow
A pillow in a chest
Beating, at best
They're shards of me
Them butterflies
Every now and then they pull at their strings
Wanting to let go of things
Wanting to fly on fragile wings
That's when I stop them
And reel them back in
I'm their kite flyer
But occasionally it happens I'm not in control
I become the butterflies, become the tow
And disappear among the crows
Black, black wings
I'm the kite
Not the kite flyer
The kite flyer was a lie
What happens is I'm flown by you
And you're the one to pull my strings
Steer me away from everything
Everything I ever wanted to see
When I struggle the most to be free
That's when you reel me in
And put an end to me
I'm kept in your glass jar
In your cupboard
With the glass vial
On the velvet pillow
That's my drug
Vaporize me
I'll never fly
Pin me here already
I'll make it worth your while
I'm not the kite flyer
The kite flyer was a lie
In a glass jar with a solid lid
In a glass jar in a cupboard
In a cupboard that I lock
I pity them, in shock
They're parts of me
Them butterflies
Every now and then I let them stretch their wings
Let them flutter and discover things
Until they reach the end of the string
That's when I stop them
And reel them back in
I'm their kite flyer
I feed them butterflies from a vial
A glass vial with a glass cork
A glass vial on a velvet pillow
A pillow in a chest
Beating, at best
They're shards of me
Them butterflies
Every now and then they pull at their strings
Wanting to let go of things
Wanting to fly on fragile wings
That's when I stop them
And reel them back in
I'm their kite flyer
But occasionally it happens I'm not in control
I become the butterflies, become the tow
And disappear among the crows
Black, black wings
I'm the kite
Not the kite flyer
The kite flyer was a lie
What happens is I'm flown by you
And you're the one to pull my strings
Steer me away from everything
Everything I ever wanted to see
When I struggle the most to be free
That's when you reel me in
And put an end to me
I'm kept in your glass jar
In your cupboard
With the glass vial
On the velvet pillow
That's my drug
Vaporize me
I'll never fly
Pin me here already
I'll make it worth your while
I'm not the kite flyer
The kite flyer was a lie
Monday, October 4
Skeletons
What drives me to do this
To constantly change
Drift around sleepless
Wander about restless
To be uncertain about everything
To doubt why I laugh
To doubt why I cry
Who am I
Who am I
Surely you couldn't have done this
Surely it couldn't have gone that deep
What happened to me happens to them all
And would have disturbed anyone's sleep
It couldn't have been you
It should have been done to you
Why do I tell myself I left you behind
That everything's buried deep and forgotten
I've been told I'm not supposed to remember
I dug you down with the skeletons in my closet
Dug you down where the treasure was not
Now there's only bones
Where X marks the spot
I buried you inside my head
And grieved it all
Before you were dead
I'm not expected to believe in your ghost
Not supposed to let you haunt me, still
Most days go on without you
Until there's a shadow
On the window sill
Suddenly, you're there again
In every voice, every letter
Every scribbled word
Suddenly, you're there again
In my eyes and in my tears
In every song unsung
Unheard
What pushes me to drift like this
Surely it couldn't have been you
Surely you didn't cut me that deep
Surely they all told the truth
And my restlessness can't be blamed on you
In fact I never buried you
Although I grieved you many times
And not remembering would be a lie
But I no longer cherish you
Or see you as divine
It wasn't fate what you saw in me
It was chance that happened down the line
And I'll get better sooner or later
If not live then I'll at least survive
And we've got an appointment now
The world and I
So haunt me later
In a couple of years
When I can afford nostalgia
And a couple of tears
Who am I
Who am I
I'm restless
I'm sleepless
And you drove me to this
To constantly change
Drift around sleepless
Wander about restless
To be uncertain about everything
To doubt why I laugh
To doubt why I cry
Who am I
Who am I
Surely you couldn't have done this
Surely it couldn't have gone that deep
What happened to me happens to them all
And would have disturbed anyone's sleep
It couldn't have been you
It should have been done to you
Why do I tell myself I left you behind
That everything's buried deep and forgotten
I've been told I'm not supposed to remember
I dug you down with the skeletons in my closet
Dug you down where the treasure was not
Now there's only bones
Where X marks the spot
I buried you inside my head
And grieved it all
Before you were dead
I'm not expected to believe in your ghost
Not supposed to let you haunt me, still
Most days go on without you
Until there's a shadow
On the window sill
Suddenly, you're there again
In every voice, every letter
Every scribbled word
Suddenly, you're there again
In my eyes and in my tears
In every song unsung
Unheard
What pushes me to drift like this
Surely it couldn't have been you
Surely you didn't cut me that deep
Surely they all told the truth
And my restlessness can't be blamed on you
In fact I never buried you
Although I grieved you many times
And not remembering would be a lie
But I no longer cherish you
Or see you as divine
It wasn't fate what you saw in me
It was chance that happened down the line
And I'll get better sooner or later
If not live then I'll at least survive
And we've got an appointment now
The world and I
So haunt me later
In a couple of years
When I can afford nostalgia
And a couple of tears
Who am I
Who am I
I'm restless
I'm sleepless
And you drove me to this
Friday, October 1
Damaged Goods
I can't say I'm sorry I hurt you first
When in the end, you hurt me worst
And now I'm damaged goods
This side up, it's labelled
Fragile, it says, on the box
I never wanted to be dependent on you
I'm a free bird, I wanted the world
Now I'm part of the cargo on a derailing train
That will crash in due time
Smashed against the rocks
Did my sins matter
When they were that small
They must have mattered enough for you
To condemn me
But no one's perfect
You were sinful yourself
Makebelieve angelic
Makebelieve free
I can't say that I'm sorry
Or wish we'd never met
That I didn't finish you
Is my one regret
I should have seen it coming
And defended myself with my life
Instead I let you torture me
And now I'm damaged goods
Smashed against the rocks
Damaged goods, in a fragile box
When in the end, you hurt me worst
And now I'm damaged goods
This side up, it's labelled
Fragile, it says, on the box
I never wanted to be dependent on you
I'm a free bird, I wanted the world
Now I'm part of the cargo on a derailing train
That will crash in due time
Smashed against the rocks
Did my sins matter
When they were that small
They must have mattered enough for you
To condemn me
But no one's perfect
You were sinful yourself
Makebelieve angelic
Makebelieve free
I can't say that I'm sorry
Or wish we'd never met
That I didn't finish you
Is my one regret
I should have seen it coming
And defended myself with my life
Instead I let you torture me
And now I'm damaged goods
Smashed against the rocks
Damaged goods, in a fragile box
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