I've never been on the inside before
Never seen everything from this point of view
Never been the one to be careless
The one to end things that weren't there
On the outside, your world will crumble
Changing everything you thought you knew
On the outside, you will stumble
And I will have forgotten you
All of this is a first for me
What for are all these blasting guns
What for is that river of blood, on the floor
Do you bleed?
Was that me?
I'm blank
I've no memory
On the outside, your world will crumble
Changing everything you thought you knew
On the outside, you will stumble
And I will have forgotten you
Did it hurt you when you passed me through
When I was nothing but a ghost to you
Did you see my cracking and faltering smile
Did you even notice it when I died?
On the outside, my world crumbled
Changing everything I thought I knew
On the outside, I stumbled
And I'm less than nothing
Invisible, to you
I guess I needed it to be done to me
The only way to become apathic and free
If you had known I would become you
That I'd do what you did to others like you
Would it have made any difference?
Would it matter to you?
What's your life now
Apart from an illusion
What happened to your dreams
And everything you wanted to be
Did you pursue any of them
Or did they end with me
You'll never leave
You're rooted to the spot
At least I did something
You did not
Good luck with it all
With imagining things got better
On the inside, your world is crumbling
On the inside, you are stumbling
On the outside, you'll pretend
Pretend until the very end
POET IN THE JAR
Tuesday, September 28
Sunday, September 26
Lemonade And Skin Peels
Right, time to do another one of those neat little rants I usually do so well. Redecorating my room in order to redecorate my head, as usual; keeping myself busy to keep myself off track. Nothing new in this, nothing new at all, like in the way I will peel off the skin from my lips whenever my mind and heart tells me it can't make it anymore. I drove, and drove, tired of driving, tired of having to be alert, tired of missing turns and running out of gas; drove while my lips bled, and colored my teeth red. This time there was just a bigger wave than usual with the tide, a worse than usual visit to the city I called home for four years, the place I used to think was big and exciting when I was young and the city I used to associate with my grandmother and lemonade and cookies on the porch. I got older, the world moved on, and the associations got replaced with other visions and other memories that cut me through and feel more real. The memory of a lover who left, the memory of an almost-suicide, the memory of sleeplessness and therapy and depression, the memory of friends failing your trust, the memory of an almost-rape and violent thrust. Old, old, old. I'll rather have the lemonade, rather have the cookies, rather run around on the lawn while my grandfather sprays us with water and we laugh; rather have all the warmth and all the bike rides in the summer and that we used to take sticks and pierce through leaves while pretending we were printing ink in books. Instead I have the times I drank, the times we got high, the times you left me, the times you killed me, killed me, killed me.
It would be so much better if I had ceased to feel, ceased to care, if all the voices in my head had shut up, if it had all had at least made me into a convenient vegetable, then I could understand the point of all this madness that came by randomly but felt as if it was the universe's dark side directed against me personally. I wish it would have taught me not to fall in love with hopeless cases, taught me not to be a hopeless case, taught me not to drink so much, taught me not to care, not to think, not to thoughtlessly hook up, not to thoughtlessly fucking bother. No matter how many times you change the place you live the rest'll be there, luring in the background until it can stab you in the back. Even in a new place, full of new faces, there'll be the same drama, the same tension, the same human fucking disaster that's infected everything and everywhere. The difference is what you choose to do with it in the aspects that you still might have any chance to choose, any chance to affect. In Chasing Ella, Jake says to himself, 'I have to believe I am still in control, I have to believe I can still affect things' with the desire to be in control of what is going to happen and what he is going to do but even as conscious as he is about this he fails. We'll all fail. Even if there's no great destiny out there for us, even if you as Maddy describes in the same book only 'could be something', we still can't pick what's going to happen. We can plan perfectly where to live, what to study, where to work, but we can't choose what we're going to feel, and in my eyes that's what we're all down to in the end. Towards the end all you'll ever really be able to know is what YOU know, what YOU saw, what YOU felt. It makes no sense to dwell on what other people think or see or feel, or try to interpret what they mean by things, when you'll still never be able to quite fully figure them out; and still it's what we do, over and over again, in our meetings with others. We analyze and analyze and analyze and never get them figured out and we never get ourselves figured out and so we pay expensive money for some therapist to try and figure us out and do all the hard work for us. But what can they tell you that you don't already know? You can only know what you know. Experience points, my lad, is what it all comes down to in the end.
POET IN THE PONDERING ANARCHY ONLINE-ISH JAR
It would be so much better if I had ceased to feel, ceased to care, if all the voices in my head had shut up, if it had all had at least made me into a convenient vegetable, then I could understand the point of all this madness that came by randomly but felt as if it was the universe's dark side directed against me personally. I wish it would have taught me not to fall in love with hopeless cases, taught me not to be a hopeless case, taught me not to drink so much, taught me not to care, not to think, not to thoughtlessly hook up, not to thoughtlessly fucking bother. No matter how many times you change the place you live the rest'll be there, luring in the background until it can stab you in the back. Even in a new place, full of new faces, there'll be the same drama, the same tension, the same human fucking disaster that's infected everything and everywhere. The difference is what you choose to do with it in the aspects that you still might have any chance to choose, any chance to affect. In Chasing Ella, Jake says to himself, 'I have to believe I am still in control, I have to believe I can still affect things' with the desire to be in control of what is going to happen and what he is going to do but even as conscious as he is about this he fails. We'll all fail. Even if there's no great destiny out there for us, even if you as Maddy describes in the same book only 'could be something', we still can't pick what's going to happen. We can plan perfectly where to live, what to study, where to work, but we can't choose what we're going to feel, and in my eyes that's what we're all down to in the end. Towards the end all you'll ever really be able to know is what YOU know, what YOU saw, what YOU felt. It makes no sense to dwell on what other people think or see or feel, or try to interpret what they mean by things, when you'll still never be able to quite fully figure them out; and still it's what we do, over and over again, in our meetings with others. We analyze and analyze and analyze and never get them figured out and we never get ourselves figured out and so we pay expensive money for some therapist to try and figure us out and do all the hard work for us. But what can they tell you that you don't already know? You can only know what you know. Experience points, my lad, is what it all comes down to in the end.
POET IN THE PONDERING ANARCHY ONLINE-ISH JAR
Friday, September 24
Middle Of The Storm
Three minutes away from the storm
I close my eyes and wait for the calm
That maybe the heavy winds
Would suddenly cease
Three minutes away from the brink
My heart racing again
And a million mushrooms
Are sung to my ears
And I laugh, I laugh,
I laugh to myself
Three minutes away
From the brink
From everything
Starting with the ladybug
With the baby carrier
On old-fashioned wheels
With the ominous clouds
With that ominous feel
Three minutes away
From the storm
I laugh, I laugh
I laugh to myself
Three minutes away
From the brink
From everything
And a million mushrooms
Are sung to my ears
I laugh to myself
Laughing in the middle of the storm
I close my eyes and wait for the calm
That maybe the heavy winds
Would suddenly cease
Three minutes away from the brink
My heart racing again
And a million mushrooms
Are sung to my ears
And I laugh, I laugh,
I laugh to myself
Three minutes away
From the brink
From everything
Starting with the ladybug
With the baby carrier
On old-fashioned wheels
With the ominous clouds
With that ominous feel
Three minutes away
From the storm
I laugh, I laugh
I laugh to myself
Three minutes away
From the brink
From everything
And a million mushrooms
Are sung to my ears
I laugh to myself
Laughing in the middle of the storm
Tuesday, September 21
Piece Of Paper
I hold a piece of folded paper in my hands
Origami, a letter without letters
In the draft from the windows
I blow on this piece of paper
Meaning to give it wings
Let it fly where I never did
And look at the world with my eyes
Look at it all sadly
And shake its little paper head
Until it's hit by rain
And I close my eyes
And see all the places it saw
Feel its fear, surprise, and awe
It's so small, and shivers
New to this world
Already shunned away
I built a field of torn pages from books
That will never be written
And I made roses from the blank sheets
While the ones with words became the streets
You can step on everything I ever wrote
Step on it to see
All the paper that is still
Empty
This is a little piece of origami
My last chance to make it out alive
A little bird, in my shaking hands
Without words
Without a heart
Only a faint and frantic heartbeat
Afraid of the air, the ground
The staring eyes
Of winter
Please, please, fly
Please, don't crash
I need you to live
Little bird, please
Don't die
You're an extension of me
The only way I can explain myself
To myself, in words
Just fly, don't let your heart explode
Just fly, be blank
And let me go
Little bird
Little piece of paper
In my hands
Origami, a letter without letters
In the draft from the windows
I blow on this piece of paper
Meaning to give it wings
Let it fly where I never did
And look at the world with my eyes
Look at it all sadly
And shake its little paper head
Until it's hit by rain
And I close my eyes
And see all the places it saw
Feel its fear, surprise, and awe
It's so small, and shivers
New to this world
Already shunned away
I built a field of torn pages from books
That will never be written
And I made roses from the blank sheets
While the ones with words became the streets
You can step on everything I ever wrote
Step on it to see
All the paper that is still
Empty
This is a little piece of origami
My last chance to make it out alive
A little bird, in my shaking hands
Without words
Without a heart
Only a faint and frantic heartbeat
Afraid of the air, the ground
The staring eyes
Of winter
Please, please, fly
Please, don't crash
I need you to live
Little bird, please
Don't die
You're an extension of me
The only way I can explain myself
To myself, in words
Just fly, don't let your heart explode
Just fly, be blank
And let me go
Little bird
Little piece of paper
In my hands
Saturday, September 18
Melancholia (Castle Made Of Sand)
So, you're some kind of hero in your own eyes
Heroic for saving yourself from pain
While everything else corroded, in the rain
Everything that made sense
And mattered
There is a melancholia you can't explain
You are distant, and turn inward again
Remember the sand that you ran through your fingers
Sand to dust
Dreams to rust
Were you scared of dying or did you value life
When someone took your spark away
The reason you ran, while you were in chains
And nothing made sense
Or mattered
There is a melancholia you can't explain
You are distant, and turn inward again
Remember the sand that you ran through your fingers
Sand to dust
Dreams to rust
Why is there silence at the end of a smile
And hints of truth in every lie
And every night, with every dream
You're shivering
Afraid to sleep
There is a melancholia you can't explain
You are distant, and turn inward again
Remember the sand that you ran through your fingers
Sand to dust
Dreams to rust
Castle made of sand
Heroic for saving yourself from pain
While everything else corroded, in the rain
Everything that made sense
And mattered
There is a melancholia you can't explain
You are distant, and turn inward again
Remember the sand that you ran through your fingers
Sand to dust
Dreams to rust
Were you scared of dying or did you value life
When someone took your spark away
The reason you ran, while you were in chains
And nothing made sense
Or mattered
There is a melancholia you can't explain
You are distant, and turn inward again
Remember the sand that you ran through your fingers
Sand to dust
Dreams to rust
Why is there silence at the end of a smile
And hints of truth in every lie
And every night, with every dream
You're shivering
Afraid to sleep
There is a melancholia you can't explain
You are distant, and turn inward again
Remember the sand that you ran through your fingers
Sand to dust
Dreams to rust
Castle made of sand
Friday, September 17
Green Glass Bottles
I wish love came in green glass bottles
Pop it open, and drink with greed
It would grow into a drug, into a rush
An addiction
That you need
I wish passion came with harpsichords
Then all I'd have to do was listen
It'd be effortless, and painless
And finally
I'd glow
Maybe if there was a stock market for things like this
Everything you ever felt, up for trade
Every emotion, bought and sold
All that you were
Slowly to fade
I wish I wasn't dependent on vials
That I didn't tremble when the glass shattered
All the green glass, the coins, the sounds
The unicorn in the merry go round
It all broke down
It ceased to matter
Drink, with greed
Love, in a bottle
All you need
Listen, and glow
It'll all be crumbling
before you know
Pop it open, and drink with greed
It would grow into a drug, into a rush
An addiction
That you need
I wish passion came with harpsichords
Then all I'd have to do was listen
It'd be effortless, and painless
And finally
I'd glow
Maybe if there was a stock market for things like this
Everything you ever felt, up for trade
Every emotion, bought and sold
All that you were
Slowly to fade
I wish I wasn't dependent on vials
That I didn't tremble when the glass shattered
All the green glass, the coins, the sounds
The unicorn in the merry go round
It all broke down
It ceased to matter
Drink, with greed
Love, in a bottle
All you need
Listen, and glow
It'll all be crumbling
before you know
Thursday, September 16
Like Air
And you just said that we were like air
Empty and swept away by the wind
Please, to places I never knew
To places I never saw
With you, with the wind
With the breeze
And you, you just said we were a whisper
A whisper to fade away once spoken
Please, don't let me break
Don't let me fade
You're a silent rock, a statue
That I thought would provide the answer
Why it was all so difficult, and hard
Why I was drawn to you
Why I was ripped apart
You, you just whispered to me this is meaningless
That I'm chasing shadows that won't go away
Your voice fades out, the last thing I hear
Before I fall asleep from exhaustion
The only way I fall asleep
These days
Just leave me alone
Just leave me alone
And get out of my head
So maybe I can sleep
Without dreaming
Without your face, and voice
In my dreams
Empty and swept away by the wind
Please, to places I never knew
To places I never saw
With you, with the wind
With the breeze
And you, you just said we were a whisper
A whisper to fade away once spoken
Please, don't let me break
Don't let me fade
You're a silent rock, a statue
That I thought would provide the answer
Why it was all so difficult, and hard
Why I was drawn to you
Why I was ripped apart
You, you just whispered to me this is meaningless
That I'm chasing shadows that won't go away
Your voice fades out, the last thing I hear
Before I fall asleep from exhaustion
The only way I fall asleep
These days
Just leave me alone
Just leave me alone
And get out of my head
So maybe I can sleep
Without dreaming
Without your face, and voice
In my dreams
Ambigous
You're dual-minded
And ambigous
Everything about you
Signals to me
I should keep away
Like poison
Dangerous times
And you're venomous
I should keep away
Everything about you
Signals to me
I should keep away
So why can't I?
And ambigous
Everything about you
Signals to me
I should keep away
Like poison
Dangerous times
And you're venomous
I should keep away
Everything about you
Signals to me
I should keep away
So why can't I?
Saturday, September 4
Better Than Nothing
Ignore me, please, be my guest
You never pursued me,
That was my quest
You're allowed to fight me
Allowed to drive me out
You'll hate me, at best
Even that would be better than nothing
Even to be hated by you
Then at least I'd know you felt something
That there was some kind of place for me
Even if you hated me
Fuck me up, please, darling, do
You never hunted me,
I hunted you
You're allowed to kick me
From your bed and out
And I'll be hating you
Even that would be better than nothing
Even to be hated by you
Then at least I'd know you felt something
That there was some kind of place for me
Even if you hated me
I didn't know I could still feel
That things could appear solid, and real
And I thought you were just temporary
A one time thing, with you and me
What happened to it all, to my head
After just one time
With you,
In your bed
Even that would be better than nothing
Even to be hated by you
Then at least I'd know you felt something
That there was some kind of place for me
Even if you hated me
Even if you hated me
darling
You never pursued me,
That was my quest
You're allowed to fight me
Allowed to drive me out
You'll hate me, at best
Even that would be better than nothing
Even to be hated by you
Then at least I'd know you felt something
That there was some kind of place for me
Even if you hated me
Fuck me up, please, darling, do
You never hunted me,
I hunted you
You're allowed to kick me
From your bed and out
And I'll be hating you
Even that would be better than nothing
Even to be hated by you
Then at least I'd know you felt something
That there was some kind of place for me
Even if you hated me
I didn't know I could still feel
That things could appear solid, and real
And I thought you were just temporary
A one time thing, with you and me
What happened to it all, to my head
After just one time
With you,
In your bed
Even that would be better than nothing
Even to be hated by you
Then at least I'd know you felt something
That there was some kind of place for me
Even if you hated me
Even if you hated me
darling
Push Away
Every thought is pushed away, pushed away
Look, distraction tears your mind apart
Then maybe you won't think of me
And imagine all of what could have been
Every thought is pushed away, pushed away
Maybe if I didn't look you in the eyes
Maybe if I didn't take you seriously
Maybe if I didn't listen
Maybe if I didn't care
Every thought would be pushed away, pushed away
I could focus on what I needed to
And maybe wouldn't think of you
Imagining all that we could have been
Every thought is pushed away, pushed away
Maybe if you didn't look so concerned
Maybe if the darkness hadn't clutched you
Maybe I could repress all that had been
And imagine it wouldn't get better again
Every thought is pushed away, pushed away
Please, distraction, tear my mind apart
I can't live with this, with you
I can't fucking live
Without you
Look, distraction tears your mind apart
Then maybe you won't think of me
And imagine all of what could have been
Every thought is pushed away, pushed away
Maybe if I didn't look you in the eyes
Maybe if I didn't take you seriously
Maybe if I didn't listen
Maybe if I didn't care
Every thought would be pushed away, pushed away
I could focus on what I needed to
And maybe wouldn't think of you
Imagining all that we could have been
Every thought is pushed away, pushed away
Maybe if you didn't look so concerned
Maybe if the darkness hadn't clutched you
Maybe I could repress all that had been
And imagine it wouldn't get better again
Every thought is pushed away, pushed away
Please, distraction, tear my mind apart
I can't live with this, with you
I can't fucking live
Without you
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