Fuck My Luck

Argh, if things just for once were as simple as that, I would be happy. Called about the flats today, and apparently I can't put myself in line for them if I haven't made an apply for a new flat, and the only way to do that is via the net. But since I already live with this landlord, the password will come by regular mail and not my e-mail. Meaning, these two flats will be removed from the site before I have any chance of applying for them.
It just aint fair. I know it would be hard to get one of them anyhow, considering how many must be in line already, but it's not as much that as that I had built some really high expectations that are just falling apart. It don't lead anywhere. Not away from here, not anywhere. And I feel like I just wanna throw up when I see these walls around me.
And no one understands me.
You wanna know what Mum said when I called her? I was pretty upset, cause it's been two tough weeks in lots of ways, and this was just too much for me to take. And Mum tells me to get a grip, don't go crying like your sister does. And all the customers at work seem to be more important than me. Work in all seems to be most important. Like when I asked Mum if I could be free any longer than the five days I'll get next week. And she's like, course you can't, that's when Caroline's on vacation. And I just wanna know when it's time for my vacation. I've been free like a total of four days this summer, combining both my jobs, and next week is all I'll get. 'Bout a month ago Mum said we would make sure that me and Nikki got our vacation at the same time. That seems to have flown out of her head somehow.
And what really bugs me is, I want to be mad with her, be angry with her and yell at her, but I know she's worse off than me, and I don't have the right to complain, really. Today they stuck her throat full of needles. Turns out she doesn't have one lump. It's more like eight of them, and probably it's worse than they'd thought, or else they wouldn't call her back in so soon. On Tuesday we'll know for sure whether it's cancer. I hate it, all I wanted her to do was listen to me, I ask nothing more. All I get for it is, get a grip, don't go crying like your sister does. Yeah, and hang on, I got a customer, talk to you later.
In fact I'm just so worried that I'm angry, aint got the energy to feel sad. I've already done a perfectly timed imitation of the Niagara falls as it is tonight. If I could decide, I would just want to go back to when we were kids, when things were fine. When it was okay to cry and your mama had the time to dress your wounds.
Tomorrow morning I have nothing at all planned. I'm gonna sleep. To wear off my weariness.
FROM A JAR FULL OF WATER, THE POET SAYS NIGHT.

Hell Out Of Here

Bless my luck! I was just surfing the net when I thought I'd drop by the site with apartments in my municipality, and whoa! I found just the one! It's a one-roomer, very central, next to Elle, even though she'll be moving out in a couple of months. Feels like everyone's going to Australia this year. Guys, I really envy you! Anyway, this apartment, it happens like once-in-a-lifetime that an apartment like that gets up on the site. I gotta go have a look at it. First thing in the morning, I'll give the main office a call, let them know I'm interested. If I'm really lucky, I might be able to get it, and I'll be out of this shithole of a flat as soon as September. Yeay! That's like, no more than, let's see... June, July, August, well, with most of June gone already, it's like two months. I can do that, I can bare to do two more months here, if I know I'll be getting to a better place. Actually, I looked at two flats, in case I wouldn't get the one I really wanted. The other one is even more central, but didn't have as good design. Hopefully, both are okay, and not like the crap that no one else wanted, that's been offered to the main public. I'm uncertain it'll still be there when I call tomorrow, though. Each flat only stays out for like one week, and it's Thursday. I hope people are bad at dropping by. Or that I'll get it easier since I'm already with the same landlord, and have been for almost a year. I can't believe it, you know. This might actually be it, the flat I was looking for last summer but couldn't find, so I had to take this two-roomer with twice the rent, just to get something. It might just be it.
We've been talking about moving apart from eachother, Nikki and me, and I think I decided for myself long ago. I just feel as though I need space. I need to live by myself, have my stuff, and definitely not live like this. Outskirts of the city. Living the family life with a lawn and a pet. I can't stand it. And as long as I'm young and free and curious and want to go places, see places, the closer I get, the better. I'm not ready to move to Gothenburg yet though. I wanna stick around for a while. I like this town, I know every curbstone of it, every bump, every sign, where to go, what to do. Who to see!
But Elle is right in the end. Everyone's staying behind, while we should be doing our best to get out of here. I admire her courage. Wish sometimes I was remotely like her. That I could just do as I wanted and as I felt like. Man, if I could start over, I'm not sure I would have started studying so soon after upper secondary school, it's worn me out.
I want to matter! Make a difference! At least to someone. Make a difference to the world. Or make a difference to myself. Know that I've done things for MY sake. I don't feel like dancing around to other people's music anymore, don't wanna follow while others lead. I wanna be someone, and someday I will be. I'll show you. I'll get the hell out of here, someday.

Biding My Time

It rained yesterday, so we went to Danny's house. I had the benefit of being the only girl there, meaning lots and lots of attention for me. Yeay =) Too bad I didn't do this while I was single - it would have been a great hunting opportunity, ha ha. I met some new people who were really nice, among them a guy from Skåne. I like meeting new people, I'm an outgoing kind of person. It's got me thinking, though, as usual. I'm tired of biding my time. I want things to change, and I know what I want to change, but I don't dare to. I would lose so many things in the process to gain that one little thing that it aint gonna be worth it. But I dunno. Maybe it would. I wish someone would tell me what to do. And I wish life wasn't this grey all the time. I wish I could enjoy things like I used to. Now it's just nothing. I try to be positive but I get nothing for it. Mum says it's better to be negative because if you have expectations, they will only let you down. Why, thanks a lot for making me feel better. Whenever I try to be cheerful, people around me drag me down, there is no use in doing it, everyone's so goddamn pessimistic. And for what? Just to make sure it won't strike back on you? That life won't let you down? Well, it don't matter what you do, sooner or later life will let you down, and I'd rather face it having enjoyed all there is to enjoy, than facing it unaware of the good things in life, totally unblessed.
I feel as though I'm missing out on things. And as if nobody cares. I feel as if no one would notice if I just disappeared. I wanna get some credit for what I do. Like Mum, would it be so hard to tell me that it was nice of me to work for them while they were away? It meant I had to work for eleven days in a row. But I don't hear that. I don't hear anything. No thank you, no nothing. What about me? I want to be free too sometimes. When am I supposed to be with Nikki this summer? Thanks to our poorly synchronized schedules, we'll get like a total of five days off together. At the beginning it was more, but then I accepted the job at the summer school, which is for roughly two weeks. Nikki got three weeks vacation, and will be off at the Arvika festival for one week. You do the calculation.
I really need to write in my diary now. Gotta type down everything that happened yesterday before I forget. In all, it was a great evening... I just missed Jessi... If she'd been there with us it would have been perfect.
Nightie. Or Afternoonie, or whatever you wanna call it.
POET IN THE JAR says BYEBYE for THE MOMENT

Baby Bird

Listen to me,
Baby bird,
If you want to fly sometime.
You can't stay in that egg
forever
although I know
it's dark and safe.
Who knows
what you may face
on the lilystrewn way
across the sky.
So the first time you fly,
We'll both go through it,
you and I.
________________________

A poem that literally flew out of me and that needs editing when I got the time to spare. Figure it out for yourselves, I can't do all the work for you.
Cheers.
POET in the little peculiar JAR

Good Samaritan

Cheers, folks. I'm so tired I feel like I'm falling asleep in front of the screen. I have the best, but also the most tiring, job there is, for these two weeks. I am so happy I didn't decline coming there, I would have missed so much! Even if I don't manage to teach these kids anything, then at least it has been two awarding weeks for me.
I don't really have the energy to go into why.
Isn't it strange that sometimes when you long very much for someone, and then finally see him/her, you just want them to disappear? That you miss them so much when they're gone, and get fed up with them when you're with them?
I've been looking into this National Novel Writing Month, and I think I'm gonna sign. Either it'll lit upp my dark November, or it will make me puke. Anyhows, can't hurt, I'd probably be producing more than I am right now.
Gotta go, I wanna play some AO before Nikki comes. See ya.

Rain Away

Thoughts, come to me
Sing for me
in the rain
Let your lullaby
get me by
And swing me
Let me sway
Thoughts, when you come to me
this time
Please don't let me
Rain away
__________________________

It's almost like I wish I could. Just rain away... follow the rain drops, flowing down the street, down the drain... amazing rain. I would be the glittering of falling water in the sun. The spectra of the rainbow, reflected in the tears of heaven.
The treasure at the end of the rainbow is nothing else than the spare of insight... The ability to let go of the world's burdens and just see everything around you with the eyes of a child. Eyes of innocence, there is nothing to hide.

Two Sides Of The Mirror

When I sleep in your arms
That's where I wanna be.
And if I've ever done you harm
I'm sorry. That's just me.
If I should change,
because of you,
I'd lose my way
and then yours too.
Cause what you fell in love with once,
I promise, it's still there.
You just don't have the eyes to see,
underneath of your despair.
__________________________

***SWITCHING SIDES***
__________________________

HADDAWAY / Where Do You Go
Night at the Roxbury Soundtrack

Where do you go, my lovely
Where do you go
I wanna know, my lovely, I wanna know

You leave without a word, no message, no number
And now my head is pounding like rolling thunder
You left me with a heartache deep inside
Girl you should see me cry all night, and I wonder

Everybody says, what a shame, what is wrong
They don't like the game we play
Heard you're hanging round every night until dawn
I'm waiting for you night and day

CHORUS

You gotta break the silence, don't keep me waiting
Just like a river flowing to the sea
You're running back to me
Come hear what I'm saying

Where do you go, My Lovely
I wanna know

Save me...

Come back and dry the tears, I cried for you baby
You've gotta stop this heartache deep inside
You've gotta help me make it through the night safely
Come back and save me
__________________________

Did you ever notice that there are two sides of the mirror. The one you see. And the one that sees you. Keep that in mind, fellow Poets. There are always two sides.
CHEERS From The Very Tanned and For the Moment Cheerful POET in the JAR

While You Looked The Other Way

Sometimes you just feel as if the life you are actually living is not the same as the life you're living in your head. The life you're living in your dreams. In the dream life, you don't take out the trash and clean the toilet. You don't nag about bills or how you're going to afford rent. You don't doubt, you're not unhappy, you never get hung-over. You don't ponder. You don't skip meals and you never miss your favourite TV show. Your relationships don't run on routine. In the dream life, there is magic, there are all the good moments, without all the time-killing in between. What you believe and what you stand for, your principles, are more important than putting X's in the checkboxes on the To-Do-List. Who you are is more important than what you do.
And most of us know this. One day you just stop and think to yourself: "This isn't the life I thought I would be living." Some take it with ease, some take it with discomfort and disbelief. Some get angry. People like me. Cause you know that there is the life you wanted for yourself, and that you got in your head, and the life that you are living, that you got all around you, and, more importantly, you know that there is a space inbetween those lives that has mysteriously disappeared. And where has that gone? While you were robbed of your dreams and banished to the ordinary everyday life, that little slip of information, that little piece of a possible future, just might have taken its chance and run away while it could. And you know why it could? Because you were looking the other way, watching your dream life evolve around you in awe, never realising that that was just you, dreaming away, loosening yourself from the boredom you face in actual reality.
Once you start looking the right way, you might be able to catch it. Hold on to it. Clutch that feverish little mirror, that space, that chance to reach your dreams... And if you do... you could do anything. Believe me... Catch that fleeing spark... And your flames will never die.
BYEBYE LULLABY from the Paradoxal POET in the JAR

Happy Anniversary

Hiyo ho.
D'you ever wonder, you know, why people trouble themselves with the tiniest problems? It's like that Evanescence song, 'I know I can stop the pain, if I throw it all away.' Meaning: we know perfectly well we could cure this world if we were just willing to make some sacrifices. But we don't. And why don't we? Because the human race was equipped with two qualities when it was created: survival instinct, and greed. Actually, they might be hard to separate at times. It frustrates me to know. And all I can do about is ironize. (My own word, I think.)
Meanwhile, I'm enjoying the rare but rather intense sunlight. This warmth is unbelievable. Thirty degrees Celsius at least in direct sunlight. No wonder everyone's been complaining today. And there's another thing - why can we never settle for what we got and just be happy with it? So what, it's raining? Rain makes the trees grow. So what, it's thirty degrees? You can lie in the shadow of the trees. Instead of thinking like that, we complain that it's too cold in the winter and too warm in the summer. Hey, I'm glad we even got a summer here!
Today, it has been exactly one year since I graduated from upper secondary school. Happy anniversary to me! Same time I'm longing back to that irresponsible, wild and crazy time before all the tough things happened, and when I was still an independent, strong young woman, I am so glad we've got it overwith. You know why? Well, look at how much has happened since then! Look how different I am! Look what I've been through! 'Course there have been rough times, but no evil ever comes without any good along with it, and you gotta admit, you learn some pretty useful lessons out of rough times. This winter has lasted for ages. It's been as dark in my head and heart as it's been outdoors. But spring and summer has come, and it's lighting me up from the inside and out. I'm on fire, baby. Ha, ha. I'm really looking forward to this summer, I hope it will be one I will never forget. And hey, I'd say the odds are kinda good for that.
Got some time on my own now before Nikki gets here. Yeay =) I could use some private time. I'll probably waste it on something useless, but I don't mind. Mum and me have already cleaned the entire apartment. So I think I can afford it.
Private time for Poet now! Shoo, shoo!

The New Idea

Damnit, I screwed up. But if I think too much about it I'll be totally depressed, so here's the new idea: I rock. I'm like, the best driver that ever existed. I believe in me, cause I know I can do it, I know exactly what I'm doing, and there's no way I'm gonna waste another 600 SEK of my Mum and Dad on a failed test. There is only one test left: the one I am going to pass.
Man, I feel so low right now. All I wanna do is go out and get drunk... but I can't even do that, since I was stupid enough to walk barefooted on the asfalt earlier, resulting in blisters all over my feet. Mum went freakin mental on me when she heard. 'Those are burns!' I've tried to cool them down, with ice and cold water, but it doesn't seem to work. I dunno how the hell I'm gonna make it at work tomorrow.
I dunno what the hell I'm to do with my life.
Hate it, love it, hate it, hate it...

Getting On Me Nerves

Oh my God. Oh, My, God. Just a couple of hours left to my fourth driver's license test, and even though I don't think I could possibly have been more prepared, I'm getting so nervous I feel like I wanna throw up in the flowerbeds. I'm supposed to be writing my essay right now, since there'll probably not be any time to do it later and the deadline is today - why can I never do things on time? - but I can't. I'm just staring at the screen in front of me, my whole head is blank. All I can think about is: What happens if I fail? What happens if I pass? What if I get the same examiner as before? And what if I don't? It's getting on me nerves, and I know that's what's brought me down the first three times, so I better come up with a way to fix it. Mum said she'd call me and help me do some relaxing exercises. Hope it helps. If not, I don't know what will. What usually would calm me down, which is a hot cup of tea, aint gonna help today since the lip piercing forbids drinking hot things. Sucky.
I think I'll call her up right now, I'm on needles here, can't wait. I've hardly slept all night, I had horrible nightmares that I would oversleep and miss the test and God knows what other things. But I have a good gut feeling. Stress makes you achieve better, right? Hrm, hrm.... I hope so, at least in my case. Still, somewhere, there's a good feeling. The weather is good, I know how to park and how to do the safety check, and if things turn out allright, today might just be one of the best days this summer...!
Gotta go now to call Mum, but be sure I'll check in again later on tonight, if nothing else just to tell you how it went... Oooo, it's so exciting =) Cheers, guys.

Kippie Yeay!

Guess what!
Guess again!
Naaah, not even close!
You will never guess!
Me, Bekki Lee, Poet in the Jar, Little Troll (that's my Mum's nickname)... is... drumroll... in a good mood today, yeay! Nikki says he hasn't seen me like this for ages. I can guess why. These !"#¤%&/()=? god-forsaken pills have made me chronically depressed for the entire year. Not a very good combination with a depression already current, and having to see both my parents go through heart diseases and all sorts of things. Mix this up with studying at the university at the same time as you gotta cover for your heart-sick Dad and most recently, your throat-sick Mum at work. I aint surprised I feel like I just wanna lay down on the floor and sleep for a couple of years, so that I'll catch up. And I've been trying to keep a social life as normal! Ha ha, I must be totally mad.
Well, it don't matter now, does it? Ha ha. As me and Jessi said: Kippie! Kippie Yeay to the summer of 2007, guys!
PS: I am listening to the best CD of the year right now - PRIIMA PARTY. Kippie Yeay!

Screenshots

Don't think I don't remember.
Can't believe this time's flown by.
I thought that you would never grow,
Cause then me neither would get old.
Every image flies me by.
I struggle just to watch.
Do I get credit that I try?
Or will I stop and halt?
Don't think I don't remember.
I still taste the time flown by.
In a hundred years we'll all be old,
but you can never tell,
so who knows?
______________________________

Now I really feel old. Looking at all these happy "kids" graduating from school, it's like I'm reliving the past year of my life, and I can hardly believe how much has happened. The first half of it was the best time of my life. A summer of parties, friendship, and putting my salary into something else than food and phone bills. I graduated school a whole year ago, and my life now aint comparable to what it was then. But those were the glory days, we enjoyed our last summer in freedom before responsibility started, before we were finally grown-ups. Finally on our own... what we had longed for so eagerly.
Weird though that I don't feel grown up, same time as I feel like an old hag. Mum says my new look is because I don't wanna face the fact that I'm becoming an adult. Clearly, she aint in to piercings and black hair. Well, I think it suits me. And it's how I feel like I wanna look for the moment. I think some of it may have something to do with me meeting Nikkie, you know, starting to like a different kind of music in comparison to what I used to like. With the music came the lifestyle. You just observe and accept, Watson, I do the thinking!
Anyway... the second half of the year was a total mess. And I don't think I've ever been so messed up. I wanna know what's happened to me. I wanna have the old me back.
Somehow... somewhere in my gut... there's a good feeling. That maybe, this summer will be as good as the last one! And why shouldn't it? Is it wrong to look forward to a long, sunny summer along with your friends? I don't think so. Quitting the pills might also help me out...
Yeah well, bye bye and good luck. I'll probably tune in tomorrow and complain about my left-over essay.
Over and OUT!

Illusions and Dreams

Here's me, in my latest piercing. Total collection now adding up to two. Next project: A new place for earrings in my ear. Haha. Future project: Moth tattoo in my neck, for my 20th birthday. Anyway, get to the business, my friend, and scroll down.

Way to go. What do you do when you find yourself in between two friends? I'm not a psychic, or a shrink, I couldn't say which is better and which aint. Still, it kinda flatters me that they'd come to me for advice. That gotta mean I aint too bad at it, I guess.

I just don't know what went wrong in my life. With my life. I feel as if my whole personality has changed, probably because of these stupid birth control pills. Except for my sister, I don't know anyone who's gone through so much trouble with them. For every pill I take, I feel like I want to throw up, and get it out of me, this unnatural substance that affects how I feel, how I think, and every step I take; changing me from the confident person I used to be into this moody monster, whom I wouldn't touch if I wore a fire-proof suit. Not only does it affect me, but it affects everyone around me as well. It just aint fair, that I gotta stuff this in to me cause I don't want to have a kid when I'm nineteen and not even halfway through my studies. It just aint fair. And all the midwife will tell me is, 'well, of course you are not supposed to live like this, but we can't give you a coil since you've never been pregnant, and you can't get a pill free of hormones since you've got heart diseases in your family. Now, if you'd just try this kind of hormonal pill instead of your old one... Your body will adjust in a couple of months... and that might help you.' Why, thank you so much for your help. I just wish I could give it up right here and now, quit them, they're like a poison running through my vains, and I'm sick of it, so undescribably sick of it, not being me.

I'm just so sick of not being me.

And you know what. In fact, I'm sick of everything. Sick of being sick of things. Sick of spending time with people, sick of being alone, sick of working, sick of studying, sick of myself.

Only thing that makes me feel safe, is living on my dreams. I'll just keep living on fragments and pieces of Illusions and Dreams...

PS.: Solize, Bekilee, Inchoate, Leniency, Nightflight and Fireskies. More are to come. DS.