50K!

Hit 50K.
And in love with my novels.
POET in the JAR
Finally pleased with something

Upsidedown

Just got home after drunkness, I don't know who to talk with, I'll just spill it out here where I won't be bothered, I have to vent. On the way home from the club, I could feel something cold in my face, and knew what it was before I touched it and my fingers turned red and sticky. Second nosebleed of the day, had another one earlier when I was at the mall. Seems I never have any tissues lying around when this happens and so I just have to walk around with my face bent upwards into the sky, trying to keep the blood from running too far down on my face, stop it from being smeared out. And then around now I was just a block from home and as I went home I had to run upstairs and plug it in with some tissue before I could say my goodnight, which was a very troubled goodnight and it shouldn't have had to be. Sorry you had to see that. Sorry that even happened. I don't know but somehow it feels as a bad sign, just another thing suggesting my life right now is so fucking upsidedown.
Yeah.
Hoped to get a turn of the evening, out of something unexpected that happened yesterday, and earlier today... but nothing went as I'd hoped for. Nothing went right. Again, I find myself stranded where hope won't reach me, where it's silly to believe.
And maybe you'd be happier then.
Maybe the only way to keep you happy is if I'm miserable. And even when I'm miserable and even when I'm worse than that you don't see me. You pat me on my shoulder saying "poor thing" and "take care" and even though that thought really matters... in all, you still don't see me. This is what you've grown used to seeing of me, this is the person you have come to know. You wouldn't recognize me with a smile on my face and even if that ever happened you would blame it on yourself, saying the reason for my happiness must be that you aren't around. What's wrong with that? What's up with that? When will you see that even though a lot of my sadness and happiness in the days have had to do with you, not all of it does?
I'm miserable, tonight, and it's not your fault. You did your best to cheer me up. I know that. I'll remember that. But it wasn't because of you. I'm not miserable because of you.
It's because of every other little thing in my life right now that causes me some serious head strong damage, and I hate it. I hate it all. I just want to sink right through this floor and disappear.
And what's with the not being able to be alone thing? If I'm talking about someone else now. If I'm talking about you now. Why can't you spend a single night on your own? Why is there always someone in your bed, or you're in someone else's bed; while I go to bed night after night, on my own, by myself, lonely. Maybe if you didn't for a while, maybe if you tried sleeping lonely, you'd know what it was like; know what it was like to be poor me, that poor thing, she has to be depressed or why else wouldn't she want you to braid her hair?
I'm so sick of it, of all of it, and I just can't take it anymore, I can't take anything, I'll just crawl up here and die a little inside, and fade a little inside, taking the fake dream and hope that you gave me, the fake friendship and the fake deep, the fake dance, the fake hugs, the fake looks, I'll take them all and feed on them, and make myself a new dream, something else, something true.
Just a piece of anything mine when I can't share.

Scenes Of The Show

What's the use? Seriously? Of believing, of making yourself think what you thought could never be... just might. You're doing nothing but fooling yourself, betraying yourself with hope, and naivete. There are no such things these days, no room for either of them. I'm so tired of building hope, of building naivete, of building a world where there's no one in it but me...
I know it's not the case but I feel like the loneliest person in the world who's just had a most crazed out night and not in a good way even though most parts of it were good.
Why am I always the last to know?
Why don't you tell me anything?
Just leave me there behind the scenes of the show,
Seeing it all, but believing in none of it.

On Speed

What am I to you
but undefined
A blur
in rewind
You won't see me
fly you by
I'm in slow motion
and you're on speed
Missing every piece
of the puzzle
we laid out
What am I to you
but a wind and a wisp
Invisible
A magic trick
You won't see me
disappear
I'm on speed
and you're in slow motion
Missing every piece
of the dreaming
we made out

Happy-Go-Lucky

So what, I'm fucked up.
I'm a wreck and a mess,
and I've ceased to care.
I don't go to work.
I skip it the way I used to skip school myself
(that last part was a joke
I meant the way I never used to skip school)
You ask me at times
What's wrong with me
And why can't I just be
happy-go-lucky
And I don't know.
I aint got an answer
decent enough.
Would you point to my aches
if you could?
Would you try to define my pain?
Do whatever you've got time for cause
With someone not caring
All effort's in vain.

I Will Do

I'd like to dedicate this song for you
For you, my little stranger
A lonely face among many and I knew
You little stranger

This piece is for you,
Cause I know you by heart,
And I knew you from the start
This piece is for you,
Cause no one else will write your song
But I will do

I'd like to dedicate this moment to you
To you, my little stranger
A lonely voice among many and you got me
A little danger

This piece is for you,
Cause I know you by heart,
And I knew you from the start
This piece is for you,
Cause no one else will write your song
But I will do

I'd like to dedicate this song to you
Sing to me, a good night sleep
I'd like to dedicate this song to you
Sing to me, swing by my tree

This piece is for you,
Cause I know you by heart,
And I knew you from the start
This piece is for you,
Cause no one else will write your song
But I will do
This song will do

This piece is for you ...

Solo Man

How can you share so many
of my dreams and of all I ever thought
How can you know which songs that I love
and look into that camera
as if you knew me

Why wasn't I born some other place?
Where rare gems like you grew on trees
And I wouldn't be down now, down on my knees
as if I knew you

How can you know just what to say
to make me laugh and drain my drought
How can you know which words I will love
and look into my eyes
as if you knew me

As if we knew eachother

The Old Cynic

Got to 41K yesterday. Phew... wrote almost 3K in that day, even though I'd been at work in the day, and even though I was dead tired. I keep looking through the book-book, looking through my old notes, through it all. Something's been stirred inside me, something's been awakened... realizing why I first begun telling these stories, realizing what's there, in between the lines; that is both painful... and that I love with all my heart.
I put too much emotion in the things I write. Feels like every sentence and every word I put down on that paper is a chunk of myself, going astray from me, while it all the same feels like they belong to me more than ever... those words, being mine and nothing but mine; yet influenced by everyone that ever affected me, everyone who ever meant something.
Good or bad.
And I feel just like Woven's feeling right now, in the third novel, while things are starting to strain on him, finally catching up. I feel lost. Like I don't know who I am. And still, I'm more of myself than I ever was. More of the old bex, the cynic, the dark one. Something I read today reminded me of it.
A world where depression and sadness is mistaken to be intelligence...
I love just to be here, this second, in this room. I wish I never had to leave here. I need nothing but my acoustic songs, creative mind, and this temporary less intricate state of mind. I need only to listen to music that touches my heart. Need to be emotional and to live for nothing but what simpleness and words can vouch for me to feel. And forget about the rest.
POET in the sugarcoated JAR

Shards Of Heart

Unlikely
Yet I dream
Allow me to dream
Of you

That's where we can be what we are
What the world will never let us be
We'll be stars
We'll be shards of heart

Compare me
Shallowly
To what you knew
But I run deeper
Than her
And deeper
Than you

That's where we can be what we are
What the world will never let us be
We'll be stars
We'll be shards of heart

But I'll never tell you
Just to spare you from the pain
I'll never let you know
That I held on to you

While the rest let go

That's when we can be what I imagine we are
What the world will never let us be
We'll be stars that I conjure
We'll be shards of heart
_________________

Gustav brought his guitar over tonight and started finding some new song, and asked me as a joke mostly to write the lyrics to it. Well, I gave it some thought, and here's the result. Only remains to see if we can fit it in nicely with the song (don't remember exactly how it went).
I simply can't wait until I get my hands on the new guitar when I get my next salary. Hence will I begin heading down the road of actually learning how to play myself...

Crashing Down, Staying Down

I'm down. Staying down. My throat is more sore than a desert storm mercilessly tearing at you and I have some serious stomach pains. Fuck. Another day to stay at home, another day I'll miss out on. Hoping I won't have to cover someone's class after my lesson tomorrow, because I'll have wee bit to catch up on.

Another thing. I reached as far as 29,5K yesterday. That means I'm only about two days behind and barely that. The last two days I've written more than 2K a day and I think I hit my own day record yesterday, writing 3,1. I usually never do that. I don't feel like writing much now though. I just wanna use this day to sleep, to dream, to be by myself, if I can. Not even thinking of work or of anything.

I found this really, really amazing education that I got interested in... teaches you how to design in 3D and lets you make animated short films and create stuff for games and god knows what. No requirements except basic requirements and samples. The samples weren't even anything else than around 5 pencil sketches. I can do that... usually these kind of educations require tons of math, I just hope there won't be any of that stuff. Well, I thought telling Mum about this would make her strangle me, but I think she got how excited I was... that I was seriously very interested. I always wanted to go to an art school, it would mean so much to me. And actually she right away helped me and we discussed that maybe if I take this education I might be able to count that in as having studied art, if I'll ever become a fully fledged teacher. By then I might be able to count those points and have to do not much more than the pedagogics. That would really be awesome...

Really hope it works out. Gotta check it out some more first.

I don't know what's wrong with me but I'm an emotional wreck right now. Like finally everything just flooded the cup. I'm a sensitive person and I cry easily but it's been a long time since I'd cry like this. Like I can't stop myself, helplessly. Like the other day when I just burst out crying in the middle of our office. What was that about? I don't know. But it feels like I'm hitting a limit very soon, and crashing.

Crashing down, staying down.

Wow. Can't wait to get home to Mum and Dad's this weekend. It'll take me away from all this.
It'll give me some kind of break.

Cause I just can't pull it through much longer.

Invisible

Good night
Where you're lying awake
In your house
I know where it is
Good night
And sweet dreams
I'm invisible
For the night
Forget me a little bit
Forgive me another bit
I wish we could sleep together
One more time
Meanwhile, good night
ruby

Your Fool

There was a glimpse of light
or so it seemed in my eyes
It turned out it was only me
Imagining

Dressed up in a closed down room
Forevermore I'll be your fool
So crown me your clown

There was something resembling a star
Something resembling a color
It turned out it was only me
Only me and make-believe

Dressed up in a closed down room
Forevermore I'll be your fool
So crown me your clown

There was something close to being you
And something that sounded like your voice
It turned out it was only me
Projecting on the world who I wanted you to be

Dressed up in a closed down room
Forevermore I'll be your fool
So crown me your clown

I'll be your fool
Though you tossed me away
With your innocence

Real Demon

I once was under your skin.
Knew every breath that you ever drew in.
Your secrets were safe here,
I was next of kin.

So why am I a ghost now?

Your feelings made your world.
Your universe built around how you were hurt.
Your every word was safe here,
You were what I deserved.

So why are you a ghost now?

Just a ghost
who never saw
the real demon

Marescape

Just another late night madness
Don't let my words sink in
I'm messed up and I'm drowning
to the sound of my sanity,
gone with the tide
It's just another late night madness
from a poet, late night thinking
I'm messed up and my words
come out far from romantic
Soon when I twitch to sleep
the marescape will take me over
and just another late night madness
has joined me while I'm sober

Beautiful Origamy

Give me a blank page
I can soak it with my tears
Don't give it away if you care for it
Or your beautiful origamy will be ruined
by my salt
Give me blank eyes and a stare
Imagining that you never strayed there
I can drown you in my tears
Don't step close if you care
Or your beautiful feelings will crumble
into ashes
See I'm no more than a curse and a pain
Besides all the ordinary, and all the plain
Give me a blank page, and eventually it will burn
You can try and reboot my stranger name
but a curse will never learn

Songs Of You

About a million times I wanted to write you
Just shout out and have a go at screaming
Wondering if you understand what you did,
gave me a promised land we'd venture to,
and then destroyed all my dreaming
And a million and one times there were salt over you
Falling from my eyes though I tried not to
Remember that vow you made, that you'd never leave me
to find my way back home alone?
Well it was just what you did, and I think you prepared me
You gave me all those songs that I could listen to while grieving
They all were about you
And how I died, without you
Sometimes a sparkle can fade and I could understand if that was it
But you didn't have to pretend there never was a star
That there never were two shards of heart
You made a lie out of what was unusually true
You vented your vengeance on me, and I let you
I thought you knew me
You spoke of tomorrows
Revealed all your yesterdays
And there were no secrets
And then the last time, still so vivid
You sent me another song
Something you sang of a dying star
I still recall those lines
And then in your dark hours
when you most would have needed me
You became a secret
and you hid from yourself
and you hid from me
Forever now you're untold
A story that should have been
that you made sure will never be

Hurricane

I miss you, strangely.
Not so much what was deep.
Not so much what was meaningful.
Mostly that you were here.
A whisper just stroked my cheek
like a wind
and I know you're asleep
You're not here but I let you in
That once
This present
So maybe for a few more seconds
before dreaming steals me away
I can imagine that we are winds together
Tumbling currents, a breeze,
and a storming hurricane.

Ticking By

Just discovered the beauty of doing word wars to pull off the daily amount of prose. Did a few five-minute ones, one 10-minute and one 8-minute race yesterday, and they all pretty much boosted my word count... no, even more so, they made all of it. In like a total of half an hour I got more written than any of the previous days. I will for sure use this technique again, much thanks to the chatbox on Nanowrimo.org.

Other than that, don't know what's up really. I'll be heading down to the cafeteria here at work in approximately 6 minutes in order to "guard" it, it's my turn to do it. That means like 30 minutes of walking round the café staring at everyone's delicious food without getting to touch it yourself. Hmm, I'm drooling already.

Somehow glad that every day that ticks by is one day less I have to spend here, one day closer to quitting. I'm really not sure I wanna stick around when spring comes... we'll see what happens. Right now I'm just such a wreck, can't deal with anything, even the easy parts of the job seems twice as difficult as they usually do. I just feel so weirded out and down. Happy that Jessie slept over last night though. And that the surprise party went well, that's good also.

Can't believe I'm even here, got a headache and a fever, but I'll be headed home early to catch some sleep.

Early bird catches the worm,
THE POET in the JAR

Muddy H2O

I'm just the water
in the watering can
Giving nutrition
to you
if I can
But your thirst is fading
Day by day
Empty this jug, in disarray
I'm just the writer
pouring myself out
over you

I'm running out of words
Fill me back up
With muddy H2O

That's the least you can do

Pathetic

How can it be
that it still hurts
to miss you?

I know I'm pathetic
but I do

Just tell me
where you put

our dreams

I want mine back

How can it be
that I still

fucking

love you?