Upsidedown

Just got home after drunkness, I don't know who to talk with, I'll just spill it out here where I won't be bothered, I have to vent. On the way home from the club, I could feel something cold in my face, and knew what it was before I touched it and my fingers turned red and sticky. Second nosebleed of the day, had another one earlier when I was at the mall. Seems I never have any tissues lying around when this happens and so I just have to walk around with my face bent upwards into the sky, trying to keep the blood from running too far down on my face, stop it from being smeared out. And then around now I was just a block from home and as I went home I had to run upstairs and plug it in with some tissue before I could say my goodnight, which was a very troubled goodnight and it shouldn't have had to be. Sorry you had to see that. Sorry that even happened. I don't know but somehow it feels as a bad sign, just another thing suggesting my life right now is so fucking upsidedown.
Yeah.
Hoped to get a turn of the evening, out of something unexpected that happened yesterday, and earlier today... but nothing went as I'd hoped for. Nothing went right. Again, I find myself stranded where hope won't reach me, where it's silly to believe.
And maybe you'd be happier then.
Maybe the only way to keep you happy is if I'm miserable. And even when I'm miserable and even when I'm worse than that you don't see me. You pat me on my shoulder saying "poor thing" and "take care" and even though that thought really matters... in all, you still don't see me. This is what you've grown used to seeing of me, this is the person you have come to know. You wouldn't recognize me with a smile on my face and even if that ever happened you would blame it on yourself, saying the reason for my happiness must be that you aren't around. What's wrong with that? What's up with that? When will you see that even though a lot of my sadness and happiness in the days have had to do with you, not all of it does?
I'm miserable, tonight, and it's not your fault. You did your best to cheer me up. I know that. I'll remember that. But it wasn't because of you. I'm not miserable because of you.
It's because of every other little thing in my life right now that causes me some serious head strong damage, and I hate it. I hate it all. I just want to sink right through this floor and disappear.
And what's with the not being able to be alone thing? If I'm talking about someone else now. If I'm talking about you now. Why can't you spend a single night on your own? Why is there always someone in your bed, or you're in someone else's bed; while I go to bed night after night, on my own, by myself, lonely. Maybe if you didn't for a while, maybe if you tried sleeping lonely, you'd know what it was like; know what it was like to be poor me, that poor thing, she has to be depressed or why else wouldn't she want you to braid her hair?
I'm so sick of it, of all of it, and I just can't take it anymore, I can't take anything, I'll just crawl up here and die a little inside, and fade a little inside, taking the fake dream and hope that you gave me, the fake friendship and the fake deep, the fake dance, the fake hugs, the fake looks, I'll take them all and feed on them, and make myself a new dream, something else, something true.
Just a piece of anything mine when I can't share.