Voices & Liars

I think I am about to burst
All the dreams about to break
The bubble I made for myself
So thin, so weak
About to snap

Cause things aren't like I was told in my head
Before the voices turned against me
Before they pretended to be you
And all my dreams are dying
And all my dreams are dead

I think I am about to fall
Like when you're sleeping
And you're pulled awake
So delicate
And you quiver

Cause things aren't like I was told in my head
Before the voices turned against me
Before they pretended to be you
And all my dreams are dying
And all my dreams are dead

And you said, forget me
And I really tried
But the voices became you
And told me you lied
Told me there was time

But things aren't like I was told in my head
When the voices had turned against me
When they pretended to be you
And all my dreams are dying
And all my dreams are dead

And your soothing voice
Still lying, in my head

Decadent One

And everything that applies to everyone else
Excludes you from the equation
I have to give a shit,
You don't have to care
Is that fair?
I couldn't say

You can throw up from yesterday
And fuck around
Get on those drugs that you despised
To get that high
So you won't have to think
Or feel
But I can't
It doesn't apply to me

You don't own decadence
And I have the right to be
Just as fucked up as you
You don't own ignorance
So don't be fucking ignorant
Of me

You're the only one that matters
The only one you know and love
I have to obey
Your imaginary rules
Is that true?
I couldn't say

You can exclude everything real
And be proud
That nothing ever touches you
Nothing breaks you
So you won't have to think
Or feel
But I can't
It doesn't apply to me

You don't own decadence
And I have the right to be
Just as fucked up as you
You don't own ignorance
So don't be fucking ignorant
Of me

Actually I was always the decadent one
While I made you angry, hit and run
How do I explain this to myself?
That I can't stand myself
For teaching you this shit was okay
Is that fair?
I couldn't say


You don't own decadence
And I have the right to be
Just as fucked up as you
You don't own ignorance
So don't be fucking ignorant
Of me

Daydream, Paralysis

Weave a world in your head
And pretend that you're still alive
Pretend like you bounced back up,
Time after time
In your head, you can have it all

In this wonderland I'm not dead
I can still care and love and need
And make an effort
Out of wasted plans
In my head

Fairytale, get out of my bed
Make room for me, and only me
You call yourself perfect
And then break in two
Daydream, paralysis
I don't fucking need you

Keep the show up and running
Be an actor, someone who isn't you
When you're tired of your shell
Of being trapped
In your own mind

Death, come closer
You used to cherish life
Without a fucking clue
What it all was about
Until someone broke through
And became you

Fairytale, get out of my bed
Make room for me, and only me
You call yourself perfect
And then break in two
Daydream, paralysis
I don't fucking need you

Play & Games

And every time you speak I hear a lie
Whenever I die you spring to life
Every full moon I don't sleep
And you pass someone else off
That you couldn't keep

It's gone beyond pretending
Beyond silly play and games
You had me hooked, then discarded me
Looking for change
You became the stranger


Whenever I hear you I shut you out
Whenever I listen I'm breaking down
Every night there's nightmares for me
And you're sound asleep
Unaware of me

It's gone beyond pretending
Beyond silly play and games
You had me hooked, then discarded me
Looking for change
You became the stranger

I want to believe in 02.43
That you're awake, same as me
Struggling with your anxiety
That your world is lonely
Lonely like mine

It's gone beyond pretending
Beyond silly play and games
You had me hooked, then discarded me
Looking for change
You became the stranger

And I've never been a saint
Should be taking half the blame
You're only repeating my mistakes
You're only doing just the same

And still I take it all out on you
And still I blame it all on you

Who Am I To Say?

Who am I to say
I have no right, no place
Who am I to say?

I said I'd never think of you
Never lie awake at night because of you
Never go through the phone book
Looking for you and wanting to dial you
Never, ever would I think of you

But who am I to say
I have no right, no place
Who am I to say?

And I'd never imagine you were here
That maybe you rocked me to sleep
And made me feel safe and real
I'd never miss the way we slept together
The way you'd kiss my ear
Never, ever, would I think of you

Who am I to say?
I've no right, no place
Who am I to say?

I'd never build my world around you
And never make an illusion that could fall down on me
It'd be better that way
I'd never chase you
I'd never remember
Or think of you

Who am I to say?
Am I better off now anyway?
Who am I to say?

And I promised myself I would forget about you
Never be jealous of one more fuck or two
Never care that you didn't come to me
Never give a shit that you didn't see

It's not in my place
I've no right, no say
So who am I to say?

Post-Visit Anxiety

I'm back in Skövde for a couple of days and I'm anxious as hell. The regular old post-drunkness anxiety, mixed with that feeling of everything returning to normal after a hectic week. At least what's normal is better than what it used to be. Things are overall better here. I chose to come here. And finally I'm here. It's been exceeding my expectations so far, and I guess I should be feeling lucky, but currently I'm not. There's too much shit going on everywhere, people lying and going behind eachother's backs like fucking crazy. No one's honest. No one's happy. They all live in their illusion, and pretend that everything's perfect so that no one will question what they chose to do with their lives. Someone is a molester, someone else protects them. Liars cover for liars. People hate and love eachother, all at once, and everything is complicated. I'd rather not go back there if I could avoid it, but I need the money and I have a couple of days free next week before university introduction starts on the 30th. The money is my motivation. If there'll be any.
I took a walk this morning to try and clear my head from drunkness. Took a walk to the pond, stuck my head in the water. The rain had already soaked me through. It was cold as hell and fucking divine. If a one hour walk in the rain can help me clear my head then so be it. Unfortunately, I'd neglected to tell anyone I was leaving the house, hence having everyone look for me and my mom freaking out thinking I had gone to kill myself. Just the regular drama at the house... just as always. I feel like pulling the blankets over my head and not leave the house or answer the phone for like, a year. All I need for company is Dallas Green in my ears anyway...
Maybe I should go do something constructive now, like maybe do that cleaning I said I'd do. Or I don't know. Disassemble a desk.
POET IN THE JAR

China Doll

Who am I
I'm flesh and blood
My body is mine
To give away, to kill
To rip apart
To thrill

But it aint yours for the taking
I'm a china doll in the making

Who am I
Lost in the flood
My mind is mine
To entertain
To cut in two
To soak in rain

But I aint yours for the taking
I'm a china doll in the making

I used to be stronger
I used to be of steel
You broke through me
With violence
With twisted lust
For every thrust


But I aint yours for the taking
You can be the china doll
You should be the one breaking

Living A Lie

You washed your hands so many times
Coloring the water brown and black
Muddy canals from your fingers
That water can't wash away
Your stains

You're a shining jewel, a pretty gem
Vision of the future, in a cell
Muddy water from your eyes
The tears won't wash away
Your pain

How can you still pretend?
How can you smile?
You're living a lie
You're living a lie

You share your days with death
He sleeps with you at night
And strokes your hair
He sets you on fire
In flames

How can you still pretend?
How can you smile?
You're living a lie
You're living a lie

The pain that he rips in you
The pain is mine
When he strokes you
In your dreams
He's haunting mine

How can you still pretend?
How can you smile?
After what he did
After I died
You're living a lie

Contrary-Wise

Lie down in the grass
I drowned in the dew
The drops rose over my head
Until I saw it all
Through a blur

The rest of the world,
All of it, is an illusion
In the middle, you're torn
Between contradictions

You want to feel safe,
You want things to change
You're trying your wings,
You stay within range
Contrary-wise

You've got blinded eyes

Lie down in the sun
I dreamed of you
I saw you in the water
Saw you smiling
Until you faded

The rest of the world,
All of it, is an illusion
In the middle, you're torn
Between contradictions

You want to feel safe,
You want things to change
You're trying your wings,
You stay within range
Contrary-wise
You've got blinded eyes

Rifts Between The Hills

There was a time we were together
When it was simpler than this
We stood there, rock, boulder
With eachother's weights
On our shoulders

There was a time the world was free
Open to roam, for you and me
Tied together, in wonder
The world isn't like that
Any longer

Time flew, dreams grew
Into rifts between the hills
I've hated you, and loved you
With some of each still
Cheap thrill
Cheap kill

There was a place for those like us
We saw it, and conquered
We stood together, amazed
The world has lost it
All its grace

Time flew, dreams grew
Into rifts between the hills
I've hated you, and loved you
With some of each still
Cheap thrill
Cheap kill

The world was ours when we believed
In every grain of our fantasies
As easily as we imagined
As easily we died,
My friend

Time flew, dreams grew
Into rifts between the hills
I've hated you, and loved you
With some of each still
Cheap thrill
Cheap kill

Defiant Angel

Who are you to define this feeling?
To bottle me up like a drug
Telling me who I am
And what's wrong with me
My diagnosis
It'll all be solved if I grind my way
Through the system

Hat's off to your majesty
Your words are almighty
The sheets of paper
That decide my life
Circle around
Telling me who I am
Who I'm supposed to be

Once, I forgot a detail
Once, I forgot a smile
And the way back uphill
Wasn't worth my while
Call me bipolar
Call me a lie
I'll still be in exile
Trying to hide

I'm not a rebel, anymore
No defiant angel
It's easier to swallow your drugs
And walze through your system
Through all the tunnels you dug
For your trains

Glory, your majesty
I bow to you,
I'm on my knees
For making me realize
My own disease
Medicate me
Have me sedated
Take away my pain


Once, I forgot a detail
Once, I forgot a smile
And the way back uphill
Wasn't worth my while
Call me bipolar
Call me a lie
You found me, in exile
Trying to hide

POET in the JAR

Cardboard Boxes

A shard of my old life
In a cardboard box
A splinter of my life
In a cardboard box
And a photograph
I'd forgotten I had

A cup of coffee in the morning
To wake me from my sleep
But there's still vacuum
In my dreams

A shard of my new life
Living day by day
Oh, one by one
I took all the boxes
To a different place
And a scribbled note
By your shaking hands

A cup of coffee in the morning
To wake me from my sleep
But there's still vacuum
In my dreams

As if it hadn't been
As if I hadn't been there
They erased all reminders
That kept my stare

They said you'd died
It's easier like that
With you dead
That I'd forget
And clear my mind
With you dead

But there's still vacuum
There's still vacuum
There's still vacuum
In my dreams

Rainfall Bay

It's never silent in Silent City
No other place is as loud
The name is misplaced
And withers away
As if they had thought they could change

It's never quiet inside my mind
Even when I rest
When I sleep at night
My thoughts are too many
They wither away
As if I had thought I could change

This lane goes straight through me
Straight through the tunnel you drilled
And life runs me over, over again
Reliving the times I was killed

It never rains by Rainfall Bay
Maybe your tears could wash it away
The lighthouse by the sea
Bewildering me
As if you had thought I could change

This lane goes straight through me
Straight through the tunnel you drilled
And life runs me over, over again
Reliving the times I was killed

As if I had thought you could change

POET IN THE JAR

Face Punches

Why is it always that when things seem to work out pretty nicely something simply HAS to come around and punch you in the face? Or stomach? Or any other appropriate place where a punch would feel appropriate. There was a reason I left this place, I'm not blaming anyone cause really it's nobody's fault and I know this. But somehow still it's just easy to see all the bad and not the good, see all the drama and all the bullshit rather than all the other stuff... though I haven't been away from here any more than like, two weeks, this city feels totally alien, it's just not me anymore. My new life and heart is in Skövde and that's where I'll stay, like honestly, after Midsummer's, if I'm going home I am going home to the countryside and not to this city. It's just full of people that I well have either a bad history with or they make me associate with bad history (yes I'm aware I'm a difficult person but yeah that's just who I am). Queen said the other day that I don't have the exclusive right to be depressed, and that I've been depressed since birth, ha. I was feeling pretty good, I am feeling pretty good, every  second that I'm in my new city and not here, every second that I'm there I'm just fine. Getting my own room is going to be simply awesome I can tell. My place is not here, my place is not there either probably, it's someplace either where I can well allow myself to be myself and just grow and well just be without all the bad shit that comes along with its wake.

Today I was packing out the last stuff in my old apartment, stumbled on some scribbles from my ex and totally broke down, I feel like a widow, I'm acting just the way a widow would and as if he had died rather than decided to walk out of my life and well nothing more to that. But he did die, part of me died, I guess something must have died in order to give life to this, my new life, my new situation? Something had to be really really bad in order to be good, and I really mean it was bad. You wouldn't know how far it went even if I told you.

Anyway waiting for my friends to come over into this borrowed apartment cause they missed their bus home, better get ready and make room for them. Tomorrow I'll be attending Pier Pressure for the first time since last time haha, well since 2007 or something, possibly 2008? Either way I don't care, tomorrow will be 2010 and that's all I really care about. So see you tomorrow among all the beers and awesome bands and the beautiful, wonderful James.

POET IN THE JAR

Cancer Growth

I am the voice of your whisper
The words on your broken lips
Lips turning into butterflies
Fluttering their wings
Into the ashes you sing

I'm the skin on your fingers
Between you and the world
Your shield, your illusion
Protection against
Everything

You're silent, these days
You don't speak
Even in whispers
No one that listens

You lost your touch
Your way with things
And all your grace
All these days

I'm here, waiting
For a word to be spoken
I'm here, broken

Cancer, dark poison, spreads
Shadows, visual echoes
Of the dead

Det döda i din röst
Det döda i dina ögon
I dina fingrar

Du finns ännu
Och du lever

Men jag, som är del av dig
Fick ge efter och dö
För din överlevnad

I'm waiting, broken
All unspoken
You broke me
To survive

You're cancer now
And you thrive

____________________________________

This is another hybrid piece with elements of both English and Swedish. It's simply the way it turned out as I wrote it off my head at 1 AM in the morning. The part in Swedish translates as follows.

"The dead in your voice
The dead in your eyes
In your fingers

You still exist
And you're alive

But I, who am part of you
Had to give in and die
For your survival"

POET in the JAR

Settling In

Moving always gives you some perspective on life, good or bad. When you're driving out of your old city, you suddenly remember everything that happened there, every loss you had, every kiss you had, every friend you had, everything. Every place you lived. Everything you did. A couple years of your life chucked on the garbage pile labelling it "Baggage".
The new place won't be much different. It'll have the same kind of drama and the same kind of everyday commotion. But it will be new to you, because you have never seen it before, and you see it with different eyes.
I'm seeing things with different eyes and everything here seems just better than before. I don't think it has anything to do really with the city, though this city indeed is pretty cozy; I think it has to do with this. Suddenly I have school and I find it so interesting that I long to go to school. It's five minutes away by bike, I live in a dorm hall where everyone is being social with eachother and making me feel welcome. And I don't have to spend my hours of my days going to a job that was supposed to be temporary and that I never really wanted to have.
I'm listening to Simon & Garfunkel, my mother's favorite artist, such beautiful songs, and writing this just as a little update for you guys. Though both sad and uplifting as it is I believe I will really come to love it here. Part of me already does. I will love it even more when I have my own room to decorate.
POET in the JAR

Throne Of Gold

Throne of gold
Would be yours
You'd climb the world
Turning your back on everything
All the needles
Every sin

You told me we'd scream
Empty our lungs
To all the world
I believed you, and your dreams
We could be great
Make our names

I was climbing the world
The highest mountain there was
Pursuing every hope I was denied
Because of your promises
But you lied

You're not going for the sky
You're not building that ladder
If that hope wasn't true for you
Were those dreams unreal
For me too?

Throne of gold
Won't be yours
You won't chase it
I'm all alone

With my dreams

Puppet, Doll

My sleep is calm,
And undisturbed
I don't look back
At your attacks
When I was hurt

This my cocoon, now
This the safest place, of all
Curtains closing, puppet
Curtains closing, doll
Come sleep here

That innocence I lost
So many times
Stabbing my heart
Raping my mind
I look away, puppet

I look away, doll

And I sleep

Calm and undisturbed

Imprints

These eyes, they're dead eyes
This smile's a dead smile
And I'm empty inside
A window pane
With the imprint

Of your hand

It shows in my eyes
When I slant my head
And repeat myself
With every spoken word
You can tell
With every whisper
From my hell

The rebel spark in me, is dying
The voice in my head is lying
I can't be anything
Can't have it all
That's the illusion
They built for my fall

These hands, are frozen hands
This knot, a rusted rope
And I'm empty inside
A window in rain
With the imprint

Of your fingers

My Bloody Hands

At first you had my pardon
While you were in shock, I pitied you
I was sorry for your loss
For disturbing you
With bloody hands

My wild collided with your calm
Ruining everything you knew
Stirring winds and storms
In your sky, so clear, so blue
Your innocence, doll, your smile
I run it down, as we collide

At first, I felt for you
The broken china, repairing you
I wanted to glue us together
I was healing you
With bloody hands

My wild collided with your calm
Ruining everything you knew
Stirring winds and storms
In your sky, so clear, so blue
Your innocence, doll, your smile
I run it down, as we collide

By now I fear for you
For everything you seek into
It was my blood, on my hands
You didn't see
My selfless hands

My wild collided with your calm
Ruining everything you knew
Stirring winds and storms
In your sky, so clear, so blue
Your innocence, doll, your smile
I run it down, as we collide

By now, you're in debt to me
Even while scared you should care for me
And be sorry for my scars
The devil applied
On my bloody hands

My wild collided with your calm
Taking away safe, replacing with harm
Stirring whirlwinds, and hurricanes
And burning the barn
Your innocence, doll, your smile
I run it down, as we collide...