Sleepless In Scandinavia

I'm up sleepless again and I don't know why. That is to say, I have a few qualified guesses but then there's only so much I can do with those. A lot of things on my plate right now is causing my stress level to skyrocket and the less I sleep, the harder it gets to sleep. I'm tired, in the way that I can't really focus or have patience for anything, but when the time of day comes when I'm supposed to let my head fall down on the pillow and my mind enter the dreamworld, I am reluctant to sleep. Reluctant to let go, I suppose. Usually happens when I've got too many things to get all worked up about. I've slept so badly since Tuesday that my left eyelid has been twitching for the last two days (that's my body telling me I need sleep). Unfortunately, I won't be able to really enjoy this weekend, because I'm attending a writer's retreat all day tomorrow and have to spend Sunday on an assignment I never handed in at the beginning of the semester. I just spent the last hour and a half on the phone with my nearest and dearest. There're no words for how much I appreciate calling a friendly voice, someone who knows me and keeps me at heart, and hearing their encouragement and love flow through time. Through the distance that sets us apart.

Damn, it gets dark early these days. Bloody winter indeed. Next winter I'm emigrating.

I figured, since I can't sleep (or as of right now, don't want to attempt it), I might as well come here and rant on about a few things so I can get them out of my head. Perhaps my head will clear a bit and allow for sleep to invade my world once these thoughts have been jotted down.

At least one stress element was eliminated today as I found out I passed all four assignments on the first half of one of my two main courses this semester. Passing those assignments means no extra work or details to complete, but I can now focus entirely on what's remaining. In our individual projects, work has been progressing since day one, but in the advanced 3D course, our mini projects are just starting. I can't start working on it quite yet as I've chosen to work with lipsyncing and I'm still waiting for my voice clips (busy as everything's been, I sent the script way late to the sound designer, so it's my own fault). I'm excited to work with lipsync again and to work with animation not intended for ingame uses. I'm sure this will look good in my portfolio and if I manage to do it well, it might be the one piece of work that decides whether or not I get a position I apply for. So I really want to put in some hard work into it. Apart from lipsyncing and animating the character's face and upper body, I also want to model and light the environment he's in, so that the material in the end will have true potential as showcase material. I'll start working on it next week. In the individual project, I'm about a week behind schedule, but not really worried. I've planned about one week for each animation and just yesterday, I created a cycle in less than two hours, complete with fine details and followthrough. Today, I've finally gotten a base worked up for the "ride elevator"-animation that I was scheduled to work on. I've looked over it all week and just been stuck, which has added to my stress. At last I put the animation on hold and went ahead to create one of my bonus animations, a "scout ahead" for ingame camera tilts (the animation I made in less than two hours). This seems to have done the trick and served as a break from my usual work, since it was considerably easier to pick up the elevator animation again today and achieve quite a lot of progress in just a short matter of time.

Other things are troubling me as well. Sudden memories awoken. I feel like I'm walking down a long hallway with door after door and I have to open each one to look inside, and some doors should be left closed and locked. I worry, for family, for friends.

I worry about me. About the future. About aging.

I argue. I argue inside my head constantly.
It makes me feel like I'm Zach, the office guy (which is probably partially true).

Once upon a time a life blossomed in a little white house on the mountainside, near the forest and the lake. Tunes were sung in these halls and instruments played delicately, echoing between the walls. Words were written. Walks were taken. Smiles. Many, many smiles.

I think of my nearest and dearest.

I saw a commercial on TV today showing an elderly couple standing on a beach in the sunset. They're smiling, ruffling eachothers' hairs with their towels, bringing out wine. Standing in the sun and in the breeze, in the sand. 

I think of my nearest and dearest and I become certain, convinced, that I want to grow old with you. That you are unusual. Special. Because you never tried to take a part of me. You never wanted to overshadow the sides of me that were too dark for your liking. You never cease listening, even when the words just spill out of me without reason or context. Even when I'm so full of words that I'm about to burst and I have to interrupt what you're saying to do so, you listen to me. You give me more than I deserve. You let me be me, without trickery. You give me freedom. Do you know what freedom is to me? Do you know that with everyone else I came close to, made me feel like I was shut in a cage, wingless and dead? Do you realize how unique it makes us that with you... this feeling of imprisonment is completely absent?

I think I can deal with pretty much everything life may serve me, if only you're with me.
Without you I'll die. Once and for all.
So just don't go and get yourself all dead, and we should be good...

Loved one.

POET IN THE PICK AND MIX RANT JAR