I don't know how to describe my current state of mind if not dull, blunt, encapsuled in a bubble where I feel enclosed from the world, isolated, alone. It's like I've forgotten everything I used to care for, forgotten what used to be delicate, what used to be valuable, how the smallest things could triumph over the daily and trivial. I can probably blame this mood on stress, big deadline coming up this week and everything; but it does trouble me. Not bother me, I'm too closed off from everything to feel like it's bothering me... but the thought of it is slightly discouraging. It's hard to describe, but for someone whose belief is that emotion is key, feeling robbed of your emotions is like giving away one of your arms... I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels like this. It's strange though. I used to believe that what you did in the daytime didn't matter as long as the rest was deep, was meaningful, being with your friends, listening to that music, going to this and that place, travelling... and now it seems my whole life revolves around school, I don't even have time to do laundry or clean my apartment, everything is so frantic and I feel like I've been walking around like a useless zombie ever since I came back from England. Something happened to my level of ambition while away; I can't seem to get back into the right focus and I hate myself a little for that; I'm sure I could have been more efficient than I have been since I got back here... But I think it'll work out... and hopefully, eventually, I'll feel that I can feel again, so that I'm not this deadened poet walking the streets and randomly sleeping at off hours as I was some fucking cat. I even feel bad because my Mom called me earlier and I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about because I was still so tired, and she said she just called me to say she and Dad loves me and I felt horrible for not paying them the proper attention back. But I'm just so monotonous and my post-three-hours-on-sofa mood was pretty intense and like Glenda said, confusi-fying.
To just please change the topic, I'm currently reading Alice Sebold's "The Lovely Bones" and it's so, so saddening. You'd think this clashes with my previously described lack of emotion but in my world it definitely and easily coincides. It's saddening in itself that a piece of fiction can be more touching and real to me than everything I see and feel around me. I guess I'm a little tired of reality, simply...
That's really all I have to say now... see you in some other, less exhausted stage.
POET IN THE JAR
If only I could, I'd be happy to provide you some of my feelings because that's all I seem to be able to do: linger in anxiety, depression, worry, fear but also happiness. I appreciate emotions just like you do and I'd be happier to give my arm away than give away my feelings. But this is weirding me out as well as it has been going on for so unbelievably long.
ReplyDeleteperhaps you're just tired and stressed out, too tired to actually feel anything but taking the safer option by blocking out the tiring emotions. but I'm sure you'll start feeling better when the school stops taking all of your time. school, sigh, the eternal enemy of creativity and relationships. but attending school is, after all, for greater purposes! keep that in mind and hang on in there, "the day to smile will eventually come".
Your comment makes me happy <3 Thank you! You cheered me up a bit. Yes, I cherish my emotions, I wouldn't be able to create without them. Which sucks seeing as I am in a creative education, you know... but I think you're right. Still the only feeling I seem to be able to conjure is pure confusion. I wish I had a better one.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to hear that I managed to do that ^^ and I understand what you're saying but nah, don't worry. your imagination hasn't disappeared and I also think that if you're creative in general, it sort of turns into a habit and you can come up with ideas even if you feel like you can't create anything but mess. it's also hard to orientate back to school life after a break and get a hold of what you're supposed to be doing (I actually think that I turned my laptop on to start working on my essay about Korea('s, is it?) war but found myself on blogger instead. Job well done, me.).
ReplyDeleteThat sweet sound of procrastination... Though as soon as the project ended my creative juices seem to be flowing back to me. I'll be beginning a new game project with three other people soon and I have so many ideas :)
ReplyDeleteawesome ^^
ReplyDeleteOdd because I've been feeling the same way since I started work. Everything goes out the window when you have some important life defining experience controlling your every move. It's stressful and sadly on my end probably far more unsatisfying than for you.
ReplyDeleteThing is with school and work and all, I've been questioning why? Why do we have to go through all this? Yes it helps open up opportunities but I know University students that can only get a job at McDonald's. It just stresses me out that life has to be controlled by some outside force that isn't your own, but some corporate socio/political propaganda that dictates we adhere to societies expectations and practices or become part of the homeless/jobless percentage. It's irritating to think that no matter what I do, how little I want to adapt to the social implications I'm forced to do so.
Sorry that became a long winded rant. I hope all goes well and it is nice to hear your creative juices are flowing once more and the new upcoming project is a thing of excitement. Also Lovely Bones; awesome freakin' book and gorgeous movie.
Yes, luckily for me this seems to have been a temporary state of mind. I was just too stressed to be able to creative in my free time, and I feel so incomplete when I do, because that's what I define myself by. Our grade better match our efforts, just saying o_O
ReplyDeleteAnd agreed. I don't know whether I'll have any chance of a job when I graduate here, but I still think it's a better choice for me than teaching was, because teaching would have guaranteed me a job but I wouldn't have been happy. I would have been miserable every day and having a job that makes you miserable is almost worse than not having a job at all. I'm aware that after I graduate here I might end up in a fast-food joint, but I'm going to work my hardest not to. I have ambition, I have a niche and I'm sure that if I work really hard on spare time projects and build up my portfolio I will be able to at least freelance after I graduate until maybe one day I might have my own studio. That would be the dream.
I don't know if it's just my happy mood today that's making me reply this way, but either way it's a good thing :)