I am such a failure. Such a wreck. A real train wreck. I didn't pass school. I have no job, no income. I have no apartment, starting August. I have no car. And everyone I'm friends with keep letting me down, they just keep letting me down, I keep helping friends in need, they keep ignoring my problems, they keep not helping me back.
Sometimes it's not what you do, it's what you don't do.
I don't know what to fucking do, I just don't know what to do. I'm so blank and so torn. I'm so sad and so angry. I have no outlet.
I have no creativity.
I have no words.
I have no skills.
I have no talent.
I'm just pestering this Earth with the burden of my existence.
Everything just totally fucking sucks.
POET IN THE JAR
Darling, that is not true. You have talent, you have skills. And your existence is not a burden. Keep that in mind, always.
ReplyDeleteYou didn't pass school? But I thought everything was going so well? What happened? Oh love, I don't have much to say because I know it won't make a huge difference... But I'm sure everything works out. Doesn't it always? It might seem impossible right now, but just hold on. Everything will get better. Even if your friends keep failing you, there'll be other people who won't. Your family, for example. Yes I know it's bothersome to rely on your parents at your age, but it would be just utterly stupid to end up on a street or something.
Hold on, that's all I can say. Sort things out little by little. If you can do something about school, then do it. If you can't, then focus on finding a job. Any job, for starters. After you've got that, everything will be so much easier.
There's not much I can do from over here, but if you can think of anything, anything at all, just let me know.
I have been a bad friend as of lately, but I still never left your side.
I'm trying best as I can. First, I've been in touch with the school teachers and trying to sort out how to best rewrite my work, we get to submit it again this August. After that, I have to sort out some paperwork so I can get some funding while unemployed. Then, look for a part time job so I can get an apartment again. Then, work on my portfolio so I can start applying for better jobs. So I do have a plan, it has just been a LOT on my shoulders lately and I'm just getting tired of fighting it.
ReplyDeleteWell school was OK, until the company where I did my internship ran out of funding and everyone had to leave the office. That was halfway through the semester; after that I totally hit the wall and every little thing has been a tough challenge to pull off.
It's just that when I'm in such a downward position in my life I would expect people to care about me a bit, ask me how I'm doing, or anything along those lines. Nobody asks me anything about how I am, nobody seems to realize what a pinch I am actually in, and everyone is too selfish to talk two-ways, they only want to talk about themselves. I don't want to talk about myself only, I want the conversations I have not to repeat themselves every day, and I want them to go two ways; or I might as well start talking to a wall. Or a sheet of paper for that matter... but that'd be nothing new.
You're not a bad friend. We've just both been too busy to keep track of eachother <3
It's relieving to hear you knw what to do. But I totally understand what a burden it still is. Little by little towards the goal, I guess. But I have faith in you! I've seen you struggle and I've seen you stand up again soon after. You're not one to be beaten! I believe it's hard to push through, but I know you can do it. I'm worried for you yet at the same time I'm not: I hate knowing your situation is like this, but I have faith.
ReplyDeleteAnd I totally understand that as well... Although, I could talk about myself forever if I was allowed! One of my newer online friends pointed that out to me some time ago... Boy did I feel offendd, but what can you do when it's the truth! Anyhow, a sheet of paper is always loyal and always comforting, even if it's ability to really support you and emphasize with you is quite lacking. I would offer to talk to you any time you'd like, but the thing is, I'm working my ass off for the next week and I'm just not up for a serious talk at all. I'm just so tired! I'm so sorry :/
It's OK. I've been pestering DJ instead. He's a very good friend and listener. It's always nice in my opinion talking to someone who isn't directly involved with what's bothering you, because it's easier to talk about it from different perspectives then. And I don't need to worry that he's going to talk about it to the wrong people ;)
ReplyDeleteYeah, it'll work out, somehow, it always works out. It's just never been this hard to fight before. I've never found it this hard to struggle for the simplest of things. I just want to be happy. I wish it was easier to achieve that.
Then again, I'd rather be unemployed and happy (if I can just manage to cheer up) than being miserable at a shitty job.
Don't worry, I don't think you talk about yourself and your problems anymore than I do. When you're friends with someone, that should be a mutual exchange. And don't worry, we'll have time for talks eventually. I'm going to wrap up some errands here and then I'm skipping town on Tuesday, not sure when I'll be back.
I really need to leave here for a while.