Unanswered Call

The world couldn't be responding any slower. Even when you wave your arms around and shout from the top of your lungs, screaming "Help me!"; they don't seem to hear or care. That's how it works in this country. I recently read an article saying that while there is a drastic increase in mental illnesses in young people, the availability of psychological care decreases. A few weeks ago I went to my doctor to try and determine whether I might be diagnosed with ADHD (essentially a hyperactivity and concentration problems diagnosis). The doctor seemed less educated than me on the matter, and kept asking me about family and home relations as if he was going to diagnose me with a wreck of a past (not a diagnosis last time I checked). He was right to conclude I need further evaluation though. He told me their therapist was an expert on cognitive problems and that I should be pre evaluated by her before moving on. The problem is, this was weeks ago and I still didn't get an appointment. This despite calling them and leaving a message twice. The therapist is apparently on sick leave for an undefined amount of time. So why couldn't they send me on to the hospital instead? I'm supposed to wait until this person gets back to work? These evaluations take long as it is without this so called, unfortunate delay. I need help today. Hell, yesterday.  Hell, years ago! Now that I am finally making myself ask for help I feel like I am being ignored completely.

Did I mention that people with ADHD are particularly prone to depression?

In Sweden, we like to brag about our welfare and we pay 30 percent of our salary each month so that we can access free health care.  The truth is that many health care institutions are run like businesses, aiming for a high profit while the remaining live off tax money and suffer constant cutbacks. The truth is despite paying taxes we still have to pay for our medical care, our doctor's appointments and our medications. I can't find it in me to blame the doctors and nurses when the problem lies in the system as a whole. I know they don't have enough staff or money, and risk their mental health working long hours for no appreciation.  Health care should be without fees. It should be a fundamental human right. In another life, perhaps.

With a diagnosis I could explain my whole life. I could pinpoint why I act and react the ways I do. I could let other people know what to think about when they're around me. It would simplify everything. It would explain to the world why I was always perceived as different, and why I always felt that way. It would be a tool for me if I could get help drawing strength from it. If I wasn't knocked down by it. I feel like I'm currently being hindered from functioning. I always thought this was just the way I was. That someone made up what was normal and that maybe I was the normal one while everyone else had it wrong. A bizarre deduction, almost. There is a difference between adjusting to norms in society and adjusting to a completely haywire chemical balance in your body that makes your life an endless emotional roller coaster, always swinging back and forth between hyperactive restlessness and mind-numbing apathy. Perhaps my notion of normality could be applied to my school years. But it doesn't explain my childhood or my inability to function as an adult. I owe my family an explanation for my behavior, I owe it to them to let them know why they could never quite get me.

People have this notion that they know what ADHD is all about. When I told my friends I was seeking help for it, a lot of them didn't believe me or take me seriously. They seemed to think I had read about it online and then imagined I had the same symptoms. What people normally associate with ADHD is the characteristic of being hyped up and "all over the place". Although this is true there are different types of ADHD, and you can be diagnosed without even showing a sign of physical hyperactivity. The diagnosis can also include subtler restlessness, like always fiddling with things, having racing thoughts and getting bored quickly. The idea that I would just apply a diagnosis on myself because I went online is almost laughable considering how many different diseases I've looked up without applying them (many of these moments caused by forementioned boredom). No, this goes back further; this is something coming from my heart and intuition; only recently backed up by the general research and talks with afflicted friends. It seems strange that I could always intuitively understand and relate to other people with the diagnosis. Or is it?

It's time to get to the bottom of this, and I'm not willing to wait for the system to work this one out for me. I've waited long enough.

I've waited my whole life.
POET IN THE FRUSTRATED JAR