Of Blood And Butterflies

I've never been on the inside before
Never seen everything from this point of view
Never been the one to be careless
The one to end things that weren't there

On the outside, your world will crumble
Changing everything you thought you knew
On the outside, you will stumble
And I will have forgotten you

All of this is a first for me
What for are all these blasting guns
What for is that river of blood, on the floor
Do you bleed?
Was that me?
I'm blank
I've no memory

On the outside, your world will crumble
Changing everything you thought you knew
On the outside, you will stumble
And I will have forgotten you

Did it hurt you when you passed me through
When I was nothing but a ghost to you
Did you see my cracking and faltering smile
Did you even notice it when I died?

On the outside, my world crumbled
Changing everything I thought I knew
On the outside, I stumbled
And I'm less than nothing
Invisible, to you

I guess I needed it to be done to me
The only way to become apathic and free
If you had known I would become you
That I'd do what you did to others like you
Would it have made any difference?
Would it matter to you?

What's your life now
Apart from an illusion
What happened to your dreams
And everything you wanted to be
Did you pursue any of them
Or did they end with me

You'll never leave
You're rooted to the spot
At least I did something
You did not
Good luck with it all
With imagining things got better

On the inside, your world is crumbling
On the inside, you are stumbling
On the outside, you'll pretend
Pretend until the very end

POET IN THE JAR

Lemonade And Skin Peels

Right, time to do another one of those neat little rants I usually do so well. Redecorating my room in order to redecorate my head, as usual; keeping myself busy to keep myself off track. Nothing new in this, nothing new at all, like in the way I will peel off the skin from my lips whenever my mind and heart tells me it can't make it anymore. I drove, and drove, tired of driving, tired of having to be alert, tired of missing turns and running out of gas; drove while my lips bled, and colored my teeth red. This time there was just a bigger wave than usual with the tide, a worse than usual visit to the city I called home for four years, the place I used to think was big and exciting when I was young and the city I used to associate with my grandmother and lemonade and cookies on the porch. I got older, the world moved on, and the associations got replaced with other visions and other memories that cut me through and feel more real. The memory of a lover who left, the memory of an almost-suicide, the memory of sleeplessness and therapy and depression, the memory of friends failing your trust, the memory of an almost-rape and violent thrust. Old, old, old. I'll rather have the lemonade, rather have the cookies, rather run around on the lawn while my grandfather sprays us with water and we laugh; rather have all the warmth and all the bike rides in the summer and that we used to take sticks and pierce through leaves while pretending we were printing ink in books. Instead I have the times I drank, the times we got high, the times you left me, the times you killed me, killed me, killed me.
It would be so much better if I had ceased to feel, ceased to care, if all the voices in my head had shut up, if it had all had at least made me into a convenient vegetable, then I could understand the point of all this madness that came by randomly but felt as if it was the universe's dark side directed against me personally. I wish it would have taught me not to fall in love with hopeless cases, taught me not to be a hopeless case, taught me not to drink so much, taught me not to care, not to think, not to thoughtlessly hook up, not to thoughtlessly fucking bother. No matter how many times you change the place you live the rest'll be there, luring in the background until it can stab you in the back. Even in a new place, full of new faces, there'll be the same drama, the same tension, the same human fucking disaster that's infected everything and everywhere. The difference is what you choose to do with it in the aspects that you still might have any chance to choose, any chance to affect. In Chasing Ella, Jake says to himself, 'I have to believe I am still in control, I have to believe I can still affect things' with the desire to be in control of what is going to happen and what he is going to do but even as conscious as he is about this he fails. We'll all fail. Even if there's no great destiny out there for us, even if you as Maddy describes in the same book only 'could be something', we still can't pick what's going to happen. We can plan perfectly where to live, what to study, where to work, but we can't choose what we're going to feel, and in my eyes that's what we're all down to in the end. Towards the end all you'll ever really be able to know is what YOU know, what YOU saw, what YOU felt. It makes no sense to dwell on what other people think or see or feel, or try to interpret what they mean by things, when you'll still never be able to quite fully figure them out; and still it's what we do, over and over again, in our meetings with others. We analyze and analyze and analyze and never get them figured out and we never get ourselves figured out and so we pay expensive money for some therapist to try and figure us out and do all the hard work for us. But what can they tell you that you don't already know? You can only know what you know. Experience points, my lad, is what it all comes down to in the end.
POET IN THE PONDERING ANARCHY ONLINE-ISH JAR

Middle Of The Storm

Three minutes away from the storm
I close my eyes and wait for the calm
That maybe the heavy winds
Would suddenly cease
Three minutes away from the brink

My heart racing again
And a million mushrooms
Are sung to my ears
And I laugh, I laugh,
I laugh to myself
Three minutes away
From the brink
From everything

Starting with the ladybug
With the baby carrier
On old-fashioned wheels
With the ominous clouds
With that ominous feel
Three minutes away
From the storm

I laugh, I laugh
I laugh to myself
Three minutes away
From the brink
From everything
And a million mushrooms
Are sung to my ears
I laugh to myself

Laughing in the middle of the storm

Piece Of Paper

I hold a piece of folded paper in my hands
Origami, a letter without letters
In the draft from the windows
I blow on this piece of paper
Meaning to give it wings
Let it fly where I never did
And look at the world with my eyes
Look at it all sadly
And shake its little paper head
Until it's hit by rain

And I close my eyes
And see all the places it saw
Feel its fear, surprise, and awe
It's so small, and shivers
New to this world
Already shunned away

I built a field of torn pages from books
That will never be written
And I made roses from the blank sheets
While the ones with words became the streets
You can step on everything I ever wrote
Step on it to see
All the paper that is still
Empty

This is a little piece of origami
My last chance to make it out alive
A little bird, in my shaking hands
Without words
Without a heart
Only a faint and frantic heartbeat
Afraid of the air, the ground
The staring eyes
Of winter

Please, please, fly
Please, don't crash
I need you to live
Little bird, please
Don't die

You're an extension of me
The only way I can explain myself
To myself, in words
Just fly, don't let your heart explode
Just fly, be blank
And let me go

Little bird
Little piece of paper
In my hands

Melancholia (Castle Made Of Sand)

So, you're some kind of hero in your own eyes
Heroic for saving yourself from pain
While everything else corroded, in the rain
Everything that made sense
And mattered

There is a melancholia you can't explain
You are distant, and turn inward again
Remember the sand that you ran through your fingers
Sand to dust
Dreams to rust

Were you scared of dying or did you value life
When someone took your spark away
The reason you ran, while you were in chains
And nothing made sense
Or mattered


There is a melancholia you can't explain
You are distant, and turn inward again
Remember the sand that you ran through your fingers
Sand to dust
Dreams to rust

Why is there silence at the end of a smile
And hints of truth in every lie
And every night, with every dream
You're shivering
Afraid to sleep

There is a melancholia you can't explain
You are distant, and turn inward again
Remember the sand that you ran through your fingers
Sand to dust
Dreams to rust

Castle made of sand

Green Glass Bottles

I wish love came in green glass bottles
Pop it open, and drink with greed
It would grow into a drug, into a rush
An addiction
That you need

I wish passion came with harpsichords
Then all I'd have to do was listen
It'd be effortless, and painless
And finally
I'd glow

Maybe if there was a stock market for things like this
Everything you ever felt, up for trade
Every emotion, bought and sold
All that you were
Slowly to fade

I wish I wasn't dependent on vials
That I didn't tremble when the glass shattered
All the green glass, the coins, the sounds
The unicorn in the merry go round
It all broke down
It ceased to matter

Drink, with greed
Love, in a bottle
All you need
Listen, and glow
It'll all be crumbling
before you know

Like Air

And you just said that we were like air
Empty and swept away by the wind
Please, to places I never knew
To places I never saw
With you, with the wind
With the breeze

And you, you just said we were a whisper
A whisper to fade away once spoken
Please, don't let me break
Don't let me fade

You're a silent rock, a statue
That I thought would provide the answer
Why it was all so difficult, and hard
Why I was drawn to you
Why I was ripped apart

You, you just whispered to me this is meaningless
That I'm chasing shadows that won't go away
Your voice fades out, the last thing I hear
Before I fall asleep from exhaustion

The only way I fall asleep
These days

Just leave me alone
Just leave me alone
And get out of my head
So maybe I can sleep
Without dreaming
Without your face, and voice
In my dreams

Ambigous

You're dual-minded
And ambigous
Everything about you
Signals to me
I should keep away
Like poison
Dangerous times
And you're venomous
I should keep away
Everything about you
Signals to me
I should keep away
So why can't I?

Better Than Nothing

Ignore me, please, be my guest
You never pursued me,
That was my quest
You're allowed to fight me
Allowed to drive me out
You'll hate me, at best

Even that would be better than nothing
Even to be hated by you
Then at least I'd know you felt something
That there was some kind of place for me
Even if you hated me

Fuck me up, please, darling, do
You never hunted me,
I hunted you
You're allowed to kick me
From your bed and out
And I'll be hating you

Even that would be better than nothing
Even to be hated by you
Then at least I'd know you felt something
That there was some kind of place for me
Even if you hated me


I didn't know I could still feel
That things could appear solid, and real
And I thought you were just temporary
A one time thing, with you and me
What happened to it all, to my head
After just one time
With you,
In your bed


Even that would be better than nothing
Even to be hated by you
Then at least I'd know you felt something
That there was some kind of place for me
Even if you hated me

Even if you hated me
darling

Push Away

Every thought is pushed away, pushed away
Look, distraction tears your mind apart
Then maybe you won't think of me
And imagine all of what could have been

Every thought is pushed away, pushed away

Maybe if I didn't look you in the eyes
Maybe if I didn't take you seriously
Maybe if I didn't listen
Maybe if I didn't care

Every thought would be pushed away, pushed away
I could focus on what I needed to
And maybe wouldn't think of you
Imagining all that we could have been

Every thought is pushed away, pushed away

Maybe if you didn't look so concerned
Maybe if the darkness hadn't clutched you
Maybe I could repress all that had been
And imagine it wouldn't get better again

Every thought is pushed away, pushed away
Please, distraction, tear my mind apart
I can't live with this, with you
I can't fucking live
Without you

Voices & Liars

I think I am about to burst
All the dreams about to break
The bubble I made for myself
So thin, so weak
About to snap

Cause things aren't like I was told in my head
Before the voices turned against me
Before they pretended to be you
And all my dreams are dying
And all my dreams are dead

I think I am about to fall
Like when you're sleeping
And you're pulled awake
So delicate
And you quiver

Cause things aren't like I was told in my head
Before the voices turned against me
Before they pretended to be you
And all my dreams are dying
And all my dreams are dead

And you said, forget me
And I really tried
But the voices became you
And told me you lied
Told me there was time

But things aren't like I was told in my head
When the voices had turned against me
When they pretended to be you
And all my dreams are dying
And all my dreams are dead

And your soothing voice
Still lying, in my head

Decadent One

And everything that applies to everyone else
Excludes you from the equation
I have to give a shit,
You don't have to care
Is that fair?
I couldn't say

You can throw up from yesterday
And fuck around
Get on those drugs that you despised
To get that high
So you won't have to think
Or feel
But I can't
It doesn't apply to me

You don't own decadence
And I have the right to be
Just as fucked up as you
You don't own ignorance
So don't be fucking ignorant
Of me

You're the only one that matters
The only one you know and love
I have to obey
Your imaginary rules
Is that true?
I couldn't say

You can exclude everything real
And be proud
That nothing ever touches you
Nothing breaks you
So you won't have to think
Or feel
But I can't
It doesn't apply to me

You don't own decadence
And I have the right to be
Just as fucked up as you
You don't own ignorance
So don't be fucking ignorant
Of me

Actually I was always the decadent one
While I made you angry, hit and run
How do I explain this to myself?
That I can't stand myself
For teaching you this shit was okay
Is that fair?
I couldn't say


You don't own decadence
And I have the right to be
Just as fucked up as you
You don't own ignorance
So don't be fucking ignorant
Of me

Daydream, Paralysis

Weave a world in your head
And pretend that you're still alive
Pretend like you bounced back up,
Time after time
In your head, you can have it all

In this wonderland I'm not dead
I can still care and love and need
And make an effort
Out of wasted plans
In my head

Fairytale, get out of my bed
Make room for me, and only me
You call yourself perfect
And then break in two
Daydream, paralysis
I don't fucking need you

Keep the show up and running
Be an actor, someone who isn't you
When you're tired of your shell
Of being trapped
In your own mind

Death, come closer
You used to cherish life
Without a fucking clue
What it all was about
Until someone broke through
And became you

Fairytale, get out of my bed
Make room for me, and only me
You call yourself perfect
And then break in two
Daydream, paralysis
I don't fucking need you

Play & Games

And every time you speak I hear a lie
Whenever I die you spring to life
Every full moon I don't sleep
And you pass someone else off
That you couldn't keep

It's gone beyond pretending
Beyond silly play and games
You had me hooked, then discarded me
Looking for change
You became the stranger


Whenever I hear you I shut you out
Whenever I listen I'm breaking down
Every night there's nightmares for me
And you're sound asleep
Unaware of me

It's gone beyond pretending
Beyond silly play and games
You had me hooked, then discarded me
Looking for change
You became the stranger

I want to believe in 02.43
That you're awake, same as me
Struggling with your anxiety
That your world is lonely
Lonely like mine

It's gone beyond pretending
Beyond silly play and games
You had me hooked, then discarded me
Looking for change
You became the stranger

And I've never been a saint
Should be taking half the blame
You're only repeating my mistakes
You're only doing just the same

And still I take it all out on you
And still I blame it all on you

Who Am I To Say?

Who am I to say
I have no right, no place
Who am I to say?

I said I'd never think of you
Never lie awake at night because of you
Never go through the phone book
Looking for you and wanting to dial you
Never, ever would I think of you

But who am I to say
I have no right, no place
Who am I to say?

And I'd never imagine you were here
That maybe you rocked me to sleep
And made me feel safe and real
I'd never miss the way we slept together
The way you'd kiss my ear
Never, ever, would I think of you

Who am I to say?
I've no right, no place
Who am I to say?

I'd never build my world around you
And never make an illusion that could fall down on me
It'd be better that way
I'd never chase you
I'd never remember
Or think of you

Who am I to say?
Am I better off now anyway?
Who am I to say?

And I promised myself I would forget about you
Never be jealous of one more fuck or two
Never care that you didn't come to me
Never give a shit that you didn't see

It's not in my place
I've no right, no say
So who am I to say?

Post-Visit Anxiety

I'm back in Skövde for a couple of days and I'm anxious as hell. The regular old post-drunkness anxiety, mixed with that feeling of everything returning to normal after a hectic week. At least what's normal is better than what it used to be. Things are overall better here. I chose to come here. And finally I'm here. It's been exceeding my expectations so far, and I guess I should be feeling lucky, but currently I'm not. There's too much shit going on everywhere, people lying and going behind eachother's backs like fucking crazy. No one's honest. No one's happy. They all live in their illusion, and pretend that everything's perfect so that no one will question what they chose to do with their lives. Someone is a molester, someone else protects them. Liars cover for liars. People hate and love eachother, all at once, and everything is complicated. I'd rather not go back there if I could avoid it, but I need the money and I have a couple of days free next week before university introduction starts on the 30th. The money is my motivation. If there'll be any.
I took a walk this morning to try and clear my head from drunkness. Took a walk to the pond, stuck my head in the water. The rain had already soaked me through. It was cold as hell and fucking divine. If a one hour walk in the rain can help me clear my head then so be it. Unfortunately, I'd neglected to tell anyone I was leaving the house, hence having everyone look for me and my mom freaking out thinking I had gone to kill myself. Just the regular drama at the house... just as always. I feel like pulling the blankets over my head and not leave the house or answer the phone for like, a year. All I need for company is Dallas Green in my ears anyway...
Maybe I should go do something constructive now, like maybe do that cleaning I said I'd do. Or I don't know. Disassemble a desk.
POET IN THE JAR

China Doll

Who am I
I'm flesh and blood
My body is mine
To give away, to kill
To rip apart
To thrill

But it aint yours for the taking
I'm a china doll in the making

Who am I
Lost in the flood
My mind is mine
To entertain
To cut in two
To soak in rain

But I aint yours for the taking
I'm a china doll in the making

I used to be stronger
I used to be of steel
You broke through me
With violence
With twisted lust
For every thrust


But I aint yours for the taking
You can be the china doll
You should be the one breaking

Living A Lie

You washed your hands so many times
Coloring the water brown and black
Muddy canals from your fingers
That water can't wash away
Your stains

You're a shining jewel, a pretty gem
Vision of the future, in a cell
Muddy water from your eyes
The tears won't wash away
Your pain

How can you still pretend?
How can you smile?
You're living a lie
You're living a lie

You share your days with death
He sleeps with you at night
And strokes your hair
He sets you on fire
In flames

How can you still pretend?
How can you smile?
You're living a lie
You're living a lie

The pain that he rips in you
The pain is mine
When he strokes you
In your dreams
He's haunting mine

How can you still pretend?
How can you smile?
After what he did
After I died
You're living a lie

Contrary-Wise

Lie down in the grass
I drowned in the dew
The drops rose over my head
Until I saw it all
Through a blur

The rest of the world,
All of it, is an illusion
In the middle, you're torn
Between contradictions

You want to feel safe,
You want things to change
You're trying your wings,
You stay within range
Contrary-wise

You've got blinded eyes

Lie down in the sun
I dreamed of you
I saw you in the water
Saw you smiling
Until you faded

The rest of the world,
All of it, is an illusion
In the middle, you're torn
Between contradictions

You want to feel safe,
You want things to change
You're trying your wings,
You stay within range
Contrary-wise
You've got blinded eyes

Rifts Between The Hills

There was a time we were together
When it was simpler than this
We stood there, rock, boulder
With eachother's weights
On our shoulders

There was a time the world was free
Open to roam, for you and me
Tied together, in wonder
The world isn't like that
Any longer

Time flew, dreams grew
Into rifts between the hills
I've hated you, and loved you
With some of each still
Cheap thrill
Cheap kill

There was a place for those like us
We saw it, and conquered
We stood together, amazed
The world has lost it
All its grace

Time flew, dreams grew
Into rifts between the hills
I've hated you, and loved you
With some of each still
Cheap thrill
Cheap kill

The world was ours when we believed
In every grain of our fantasies
As easily as we imagined
As easily we died,
My friend

Time flew, dreams grew
Into rifts between the hills
I've hated you, and loved you
With some of each still
Cheap thrill
Cheap kill