Everything that used to touch and stir me
When did I lose my edge against the world
And become this thinker without soul
With only shadows of my former pain
Stinging inside
I'm left only with the thoughts, the ideas, the abstractions
Thinking them all over, pondering them, in my head
It seems I've lost track of all my emotions
Everything I was, everything I believed
Of what mattered in life
How come everything is so pure and beautiful
Until you realize you're going to die some day
You realize, and it stains your every thought,
your every amazement, with a coat of sadness
With a coat of darkness
And the realization is old
You've had it before
You just forced it quiet
I remember when my mirage was to feel, at least once,
every feeling there was to be felt in life and in death
When my presence in the present was the only thing vital
And now I've become a backwards storm chaser,
avoiding everything that might connect me to that time
avoiding everything that might make me tick
and send me back
But who am I fooling, have I ever fooled anyone except myself
Numerous times, thousands of times
Who would buy that trickery of loss of soul
Loss of emotion of all kinds and in all ways
That has never been me
That has never been me
See I was always fucking made of emotions
I was always fucking dependent on them
I've tried to hide them, lose them, sell them, kill them
Tried to shield them, seal them, lock them up, throw them away
Nothing ever works; these fragments always stay
Deep down in the mists of your mind
Where nothing's ever consciously stored
How can I pretend to myself, pretend to anyone
That everything's changed, that I'm different now
That I've become some fucking soldier of steel
That isn't me, that isn't real
But I almost actually bought it this time
I almost actually believed it
I thought I could always live off old diplomas
Dust-gathering in their frames
That it made a difference, that it meant progress
That if I became successful it would be like pointing a finger
at everything and everyone I left behind
but that isn't the case, is it
I'm meant to have these old demons - so are you
It's got nothing to do with fate
It's just the way it works for us
The world was made that way
And so, a moment that seemed completely insignificant at the time
Can be imprinted eternally inside your mind, inside your eyes
Imprinted so well and true that you can still feel your tears burning
Feel your fingers throw your work across the room
Feel the embarrassment rise high on your cheeks
Feel your inability to help it
Then feel your feet against the cold concrete floor
Feel the smell of smoke and oil and gas
Hear the words of attempted but inefficient comfort
Feel the pat on your shoulder
Feel the cold water on your face
Trying to wash it off, to look proper again
To be presentable for the big audience
To be passed down as normal
As if everything's normal
When your life has just been shattered to pieces
There were many moments that were worse, sharper, than this
And still this is what's going to haunt you
We don't get to pick what does
or when it will appear
I admit, shard, you caught me out of the blue
When I thought I had almost forgotten you
I admit that you got the drop on me
And that you managed to rip up my old cuts
But I am going to do the same to you
Until you realize what you put me through
Can't we let be what fucking was
Why so eager to stir up the past
I thought it all had been put to rest
My bad, my bad
My sorrow
The pain is not insignificant
I'm still capable of lies
Although the physical pain has subsided
And only resurfaces at few, given times
It's still there
And the mental pain hasn't faded
It has been blended with confusion
And countless conversations
That never really took place
But in my head
Suddenly it's understandable
Why I traded in my tired, sleepless mind
For a mercifully simple pain
That drove every angst silently away
How come everything isn't pure and beautiful
Until you realize you're going to die some day
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For Dust And Memories