I don't want to die. Actually, I'm scared of anything having to do with it. Even the five letter word itself. D, E, A, T, H. Just normal letters until they're grouped together, until they actually mean something. A memory, an empty space. Something that wasn't usually here. Something that used to be here, that has gone.
Maybe I'm just morbid. Maybe I watched too much of Tim Burton's, looked too many times at gothic girls, dreamt one too many nightmares. Maybe it's the writer's vein in me, pouring open at any given moment, subconsciously. And maybe I shouldn't be giving it the attention it craves for. Maybe if I ignored it it'd go away.
I keep imagining that I die. I picture who will go to my funeral. Who will find me. If it's an accident or not. Just the way I'd look when I left here. What my last thought would be. If I'd be alone. If I would be the only one to go. If there's anyone who would freeze and be totally stuck in their own lives without me. How it'd look if everyone comforted eachother.
Since my car was off the road a while ago, at least one compulsive little behavior of me has come to a stop. I know what it's like to drive off, how it sounds like, what goes through your head, how god damn scared you are, like a chill, placing a firm hand over your heart, in a manner of seconds. And it goes so fast, you never know what's coming, you never know what hit you. All you do is get scared
(Just a millisecond's thought of you.)
and then you've lost control. And you thought of letting go a thousand times before, you thought of letting that old steering wheel just spin, take you wherever it might, left, right, death, fright... and still when I was finally there, I panicked, it was too early. And I realized I couldn't do anything. I was already spinning out of control, and I hadn't gotten to decide it, hadn't gotten to choose it myself.
I don't want to die.
Can't I just let go of this?
Haven't had these dreams and imageries for a very, very long time.
FJAERIL in the POETIC JAR
your not morbid at all , Bex! many people think of death. they just hide the fact that they do, because like you, they think it's morbid. Honestly, I think death would be almost like a whole new adventure. Nobody really knows what comes after it. And when your dying, it's like the worlds greatest secret is about to reveal itself right in front of your eyes.
ReplyDeleteIn saying that, Would I ever trade what I have now for the knowledge of that great secret? Definitly not. Things happen at their own pace. For now, we should all enjoy our lives, cherish each breath we have left, recognizing that it's one breath closer to your last, but not being afraid of the fact. Be brave and alert, and when the time comes, as there is a time for everything, look at death as the beginning of a new adventure. Not the end of one.
By the way, I love how this is wrote. The words flow as if they were meant to be together :D
Thanks Chelsea, that felt encouraging =)
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