Midsummer's Eve Photos

Right, cheers guys! I got these pics from Jonas, I thought it'd be easiest to erase the ones that were on here already and just redo it, in a better-looking way. As I wrote in the no longer existing entry from Midsummer's Day, the camera went from hand to hand, and yeah well, here are the results. Scroll down, folks. (Descriptions next to the pics.)


Jonas apparently cheers for Sweden!











Right, I imagine it something like this. Danny: "No seriously. If it was you who let the birds out..."







I dunno how I got that hair...?








Haha, this is one of my favourite pics! This is what happens to normal guys when they cram together with karaoke and beer.







Danny & Johnny wailing away (You can't not love this pic.)








Danny & Johan giving out free kisses! Call now!








Singstar itself!








Johnny, Nikki & The Brainless Bunny. Say no more.








The Bunny now seems to be the Friendless Bunny...








Danny & Me posing










What's going on in Pontus's head?











Johan seems to wanna go swimming...











Nikki & Viktor playing "Singstar", Jonas & me warming up in the background, haha.







Before...








...and after. Can't believe I drank those. They had coffee in them!








Jonas, Johnny & Me. Thumbs up!








Yummy!








Emil and Johan are doing some kind of, I dunno, Trying-to-steal your-haircut kind of pose.






Well, that's about it, those were the best and most flattering ones... not counting blurry or somehow inappropriate ones (like a set of pics of me half asleep, half dressed that I soon realised no one had erased). Now that I've done that, I'm gonna check some sites for a new flat. Cheers...
OhOoooHooOOOhooOOHoooOOO from Me - The Little Author Wannabe

PIER PRESSURE!

YEAY! Yesterday PIER PRESSURE finally struck us with awe, and it blew the roof off! Well, not literally, there wasn't really that much of a roof to talk about, but if there had been, it most certainly would have blown the roof off. I thought it was great, I mean, I'd pay 500SEK just to see My Chemical Romance, but now I got to see loads of bands, some of which I never woulda discovered otherwise. Check out the Glass Links to your right, I've updated it by now. Well, sure there were things you might wanna comment on - should the guy in the wardrobe really be smoking while he hands out your jackets? Yuck - but the gig schedule - come on! You gotta admit it aint no pile of shit, right?
I'm pretty messed up today, we've barely slept four hours, my feet are still sore from all the mad jumping up and down and walking the streets, and I've done my last day at summer school. So you aint gonna find any clever thoughts in here tonight, sorry, guys. I just thought I'd post some of the pics I took yesterday. Enjoy, fellas!
JULY 3RD EDIT: The title belonging to the pic is the one directly above the picture. Also, Jessi noted that I'd written Sunrise Avenue on four pictures but two of them were actually Sounds of Violence. My mistake, but I've taken care of that. After all, we're all just human, aren't we?
Less Than Jake












Sunrise Avenue












Sounds Like Violence





















Me & Jessi









Nikki, Terese & Johanna









Sofia & Linda









Jessi & Me



















and...

MY...
CHEMICAL...
ROMANCE...!

Thx for droppin' by!

Fuck My Luck

Argh, if things just for once were as simple as that, I would be happy. Called about the flats today, and apparently I can't put myself in line for them if I haven't made an apply for a new flat, and the only way to do that is via the net. But since I already live with this landlord, the password will come by regular mail and not my e-mail. Meaning, these two flats will be removed from the site before I have any chance of applying for them.
It just aint fair. I know it would be hard to get one of them anyhow, considering how many must be in line already, but it's not as much that as that I had built some really high expectations that are just falling apart. It don't lead anywhere. Not away from here, not anywhere. And I feel like I just wanna throw up when I see these walls around me.
And no one understands me.
You wanna know what Mum said when I called her? I was pretty upset, cause it's been two tough weeks in lots of ways, and this was just too much for me to take. And Mum tells me to get a grip, don't go crying like your sister does. And all the customers at work seem to be more important than me. Work in all seems to be most important. Like when I asked Mum if I could be free any longer than the five days I'll get next week. And she's like, course you can't, that's when Caroline's on vacation. And I just wanna know when it's time for my vacation. I've been free like a total of four days this summer, combining both my jobs, and next week is all I'll get. 'Bout a month ago Mum said we would make sure that me and Nikki got our vacation at the same time. That seems to have flown out of her head somehow.
And what really bugs me is, I want to be mad with her, be angry with her and yell at her, but I know she's worse off than me, and I don't have the right to complain, really. Today they stuck her throat full of needles. Turns out she doesn't have one lump. It's more like eight of them, and probably it's worse than they'd thought, or else they wouldn't call her back in so soon. On Tuesday we'll know for sure whether it's cancer. I hate it, all I wanted her to do was listen to me, I ask nothing more. All I get for it is, get a grip, don't go crying like your sister does. Yeah, and hang on, I got a customer, talk to you later.
In fact I'm just so worried that I'm angry, aint got the energy to feel sad. I've already done a perfectly timed imitation of the Niagara falls as it is tonight. If I could decide, I would just want to go back to when we were kids, when things were fine. When it was okay to cry and your mama had the time to dress your wounds.
Tomorrow morning I have nothing at all planned. I'm gonna sleep. To wear off my weariness.
FROM A JAR FULL OF WATER, THE POET SAYS NIGHT.

Hell Out Of Here

Bless my luck! I was just surfing the net when I thought I'd drop by the site with apartments in my municipality, and whoa! I found just the one! It's a one-roomer, very central, next to Elle, even though she'll be moving out in a couple of months. Feels like everyone's going to Australia this year. Guys, I really envy you! Anyway, this apartment, it happens like once-in-a-lifetime that an apartment like that gets up on the site. I gotta go have a look at it. First thing in the morning, I'll give the main office a call, let them know I'm interested. If I'm really lucky, I might be able to get it, and I'll be out of this shithole of a flat as soon as September. Yeay! That's like, no more than, let's see... June, July, August, well, with most of June gone already, it's like two months. I can do that, I can bare to do two more months here, if I know I'll be getting to a better place. Actually, I looked at two flats, in case I wouldn't get the one I really wanted. The other one is even more central, but didn't have as good design. Hopefully, both are okay, and not like the crap that no one else wanted, that's been offered to the main public. I'm uncertain it'll still be there when I call tomorrow, though. Each flat only stays out for like one week, and it's Thursday. I hope people are bad at dropping by. Or that I'll get it easier since I'm already with the same landlord, and have been for almost a year. I can't believe it, you know. This might actually be it, the flat I was looking for last summer but couldn't find, so I had to take this two-roomer with twice the rent, just to get something. It might just be it.
We've been talking about moving apart from eachother, Nikki and me, and I think I decided for myself long ago. I just feel as though I need space. I need to live by myself, have my stuff, and definitely not live like this. Outskirts of the city. Living the family life with a lawn and a pet. I can't stand it. And as long as I'm young and free and curious and want to go places, see places, the closer I get, the better. I'm not ready to move to Gothenburg yet though. I wanna stick around for a while. I like this town, I know every curbstone of it, every bump, every sign, where to go, what to do. Who to see!
But Elle is right in the end. Everyone's staying behind, while we should be doing our best to get out of here. I admire her courage. Wish sometimes I was remotely like her. That I could just do as I wanted and as I felt like. Man, if I could start over, I'm not sure I would have started studying so soon after upper secondary school, it's worn me out.
I want to matter! Make a difference! At least to someone. Make a difference to the world. Or make a difference to myself. Know that I've done things for MY sake. I don't feel like dancing around to other people's music anymore, don't wanna follow while others lead. I wanna be someone, and someday I will be. I'll show you. I'll get the hell out of here, someday.

Biding My Time

It rained yesterday, so we went to Danny's house. I had the benefit of being the only girl there, meaning lots and lots of attention for me. Yeay =) Too bad I didn't do this while I was single - it would have been a great hunting opportunity, ha ha. I met some new people who were really nice, among them a guy from Skåne. I like meeting new people, I'm an outgoing kind of person. It's got me thinking, though, as usual. I'm tired of biding my time. I want things to change, and I know what I want to change, but I don't dare to. I would lose so many things in the process to gain that one little thing that it aint gonna be worth it. But I dunno. Maybe it would. I wish someone would tell me what to do. And I wish life wasn't this grey all the time. I wish I could enjoy things like I used to. Now it's just nothing. I try to be positive but I get nothing for it. Mum says it's better to be negative because if you have expectations, they will only let you down. Why, thanks a lot for making me feel better. Whenever I try to be cheerful, people around me drag me down, there is no use in doing it, everyone's so goddamn pessimistic. And for what? Just to make sure it won't strike back on you? That life won't let you down? Well, it don't matter what you do, sooner or later life will let you down, and I'd rather face it having enjoyed all there is to enjoy, than facing it unaware of the good things in life, totally unblessed.
I feel as though I'm missing out on things. And as if nobody cares. I feel as if no one would notice if I just disappeared. I wanna get some credit for what I do. Like Mum, would it be so hard to tell me that it was nice of me to work for them while they were away? It meant I had to work for eleven days in a row. But I don't hear that. I don't hear anything. No thank you, no nothing. What about me? I want to be free too sometimes. When am I supposed to be with Nikki this summer? Thanks to our poorly synchronized schedules, we'll get like a total of five days off together. At the beginning it was more, but then I accepted the job at the summer school, which is for roughly two weeks. Nikki got three weeks vacation, and will be off at the Arvika festival for one week. You do the calculation.
I really need to write in my diary now. Gotta type down everything that happened yesterday before I forget. In all, it was a great evening... I just missed Jessi... If she'd been there with us it would have been perfect.
Nightie. Or Afternoonie, or whatever you wanna call it.
POET IN THE JAR says BYEBYE for THE MOMENT

Baby Bird

Listen to me,
Baby bird,
If you want to fly sometime.
You can't stay in that egg
forever
although I know
it's dark and safe.
Who knows
what you may face
on the lilystrewn way
across the sky.
So the first time you fly,
We'll both go through it,
you and I.
________________________

A poem that literally flew out of me and that needs editing when I got the time to spare. Figure it out for yourselves, I can't do all the work for you.
Cheers.
POET in the little peculiar JAR

Good Samaritan

Cheers, folks. I'm so tired I feel like I'm falling asleep in front of the screen. I have the best, but also the most tiring, job there is, for these two weeks. I am so happy I didn't decline coming there, I would have missed so much! Even if I don't manage to teach these kids anything, then at least it has been two awarding weeks for me.
I don't really have the energy to go into why.
Isn't it strange that sometimes when you long very much for someone, and then finally see him/her, you just want them to disappear? That you miss them so much when they're gone, and get fed up with them when you're with them?
I've been looking into this National Novel Writing Month, and I think I'm gonna sign. Either it'll lit upp my dark November, or it will make me puke. Anyhows, can't hurt, I'd probably be producing more than I am right now.
Gotta go, I wanna play some AO before Nikki comes. See ya.

Rain Away

Thoughts, come to me
Sing for me
in the rain
Let your lullaby
get me by
And swing me
Let me sway
Thoughts, when you come to me
this time
Please don't let me
Rain away
__________________________

It's almost like I wish I could. Just rain away... follow the rain drops, flowing down the street, down the drain... amazing rain. I would be the glittering of falling water in the sun. The spectra of the rainbow, reflected in the tears of heaven.
The treasure at the end of the rainbow is nothing else than the spare of insight... The ability to let go of the world's burdens and just see everything around you with the eyes of a child. Eyes of innocence, there is nothing to hide.

Two Sides Of The Mirror

When I sleep in your arms
That's where I wanna be.
And if I've ever done you harm
I'm sorry. That's just me.
If I should change,
because of you,
I'd lose my way
and then yours too.
Cause what you fell in love with once,
I promise, it's still there.
You just don't have the eyes to see,
underneath of your despair.
__________________________

***SWITCHING SIDES***
__________________________

HADDAWAY / Where Do You Go
Night at the Roxbury Soundtrack

Where do you go, my lovely
Where do you go
I wanna know, my lovely, I wanna know

You leave without a word, no message, no number
And now my head is pounding like rolling thunder
You left me with a heartache deep inside
Girl you should see me cry all night, and I wonder

Everybody says, what a shame, what is wrong
They don't like the game we play
Heard you're hanging round every night until dawn
I'm waiting for you night and day

CHORUS

You gotta break the silence, don't keep me waiting
Just like a river flowing to the sea
You're running back to me
Come hear what I'm saying

Where do you go, My Lovely
I wanna know

Save me...

Come back and dry the tears, I cried for you baby
You've gotta stop this heartache deep inside
You've gotta help me make it through the night safely
Come back and save me
__________________________

Did you ever notice that there are two sides of the mirror. The one you see. And the one that sees you. Keep that in mind, fellow Poets. There are always two sides.
CHEERS From The Very Tanned and For the Moment Cheerful POET in the JAR

While You Looked The Other Way

Sometimes you just feel as if the life you are actually living is not the same as the life you're living in your head. The life you're living in your dreams. In the dream life, you don't take out the trash and clean the toilet. You don't nag about bills or how you're going to afford rent. You don't doubt, you're not unhappy, you never get hung-over. You don't ponder. You don't skip meals and you never miss your favourite TV show. Your relationships don't run on routine. In the dream life, there is magic, there are all the good moments, without all the time-killing in between. What you believe and what you stand for, your principles, are more important than putting X's in the checkboxes on the To-Do-List. Who you are is more important than what you do.
And most of us know this. One day you just stop and think to yourself: "This isn't the life I thought I would be living." Some take it with ease, some take it with discomfort and disbelief. Some get angry. People like me. Cause you know that there is the life you wanted for yourself, and that you got in your head, and the life that you are living, that you got all around you, and, more importantly, you know that there is a space inbetween those lives that has mysteriously disappeared. And where has that gone? While you were robbed of your dreams and banished to the ordinary everyday life, that little slip of information, that little piece of a possible future, just might have taken its chance and run away while it could. And you know why it could? Because you were looking the other way, watching your dream life evolve around you in awe, never realising that that was just you, dreaming away, loosening yourself from the boredom you face in actual reality.
Once you start looking the right way, you might be able to catch it. Hold on to it. Clutch that feverish little mirror, that space, that chance to reach your dreams... And if you do... you could do anything. Believe me... Catch that fleeing spark... And your flames will never die.
BYEBYE LULLABY from the Paradoxal POET in the JAR

Happy Anniversary

Hiyo ho.
D'you ever wonder, you know, why people trouble themselves with the tiniest problems? It's like that Evanescence song, 'I know I can stop the pain, if I throw it all away.' Meaning: we know perfectly well we could cure this world if we were just willing to make some sacrifices. But we don't. And why don't we? Because the human race was equipped with two qualities when it was created: survival instinct, and greed. Actually, they might be hard to separate at times. It frustrates me to know. And all I can do about is ironize. (My own word, I think.)
Meanwhile, I'm enjoying the rare but rather intense sunlight. This warmth is unbelievable. Thirty degrees Celsius at least in direct sunlight. No wonder everyone's been complaining today. And there's another thing - why can we never settle for what we got and just be happy with it? So what, it's raining? Rain makes the trees grow. So what, it's thirty degrees? You can lie in the shadow of the trees. Instead of thinking like that, we complain that it's too cold in the winter and too warm in the summer. Hey, I'm glad we even got a summer here!
Today, it has been exactly one year since I graduated from upper secondary school. Happy anniversary to me! Same time I'm longing back to that irresponsible, wild and crazy time before all the tough things happened, and when I was still an independent, strong young woman, I am so glad we've got it overwith. You know why? Well, look at how much has happened since then! Look how different I am! Look what I've been through! 'Course there have been rough times, but no evil ever comes without any good along with it, and you gotta admit, you learn some pretty useful lessons out of rough times. This winter has lasted for ages. It's been as dark in my head and heart as it's been outdoors. But spring and summer has come, and it's lighting me up from the inside and out. I'm on fire, baby. Ha, ha. I'm really looking forward to this summer, I hope it will be one I will never forget. And hey, I'd say the odds are kinda good for that.
Got some time on my own now before Nikki gets here. Yeay =) I could use some private time. I'll probably waste it on something useless, but I don't mind. Mum and me have already cleaned the entire apartment. So I think I can afford it.
Private time for Poet now! Shoo, shoo!

The New Idea

Damnit, I screwed up. But if I think too much about it I'll be totally depressed, so here's the new idea: I rock. I'm like, the best driver that ever existed. I believe in me, cause I know I can do it, I know exactly what I'm doing, and there's no way I'm gonna waste another 600 SEK of my Mum and Dad on a failed test. There is only one test left: the one I am going to pass.
Man, I feel so low right now. All I wanna do is go out and get drunk... but I can't even do that, since I was stupid enough to walk barefooted on the asfalt earlier, resulting in blisters all over my feet. Mum went freakin mental on me when she heard. 'Those are burns!' I've tried to cool them down, with ice and cold water, but it doesn't seem to work. I dunno how the hell I'm gonna make it at work tomorrow.
I dunno what the hell I'm to do with my life.
Hate it, love it, hate it, hate it...

Getting On Me Nerves

Oh my God. Oh, My, God. Just a couple of hours left to my fourth driver's license test, and even though I don't think I could possibly have been more prepared, I'm getting so nervous I feel like I wanna throw up in the flowerbeds. I'm supposed to be writing my essay right now, since there'll probably not be any time to do it later and the deadline is today - why can I never do things on time? - but I can't. I'm just staring at the screen in front of me, my whole head is blank. All I can think about is: What happens if I fail? What happens if I pass? What if I get the same examiner as before? And what if I don't? It's getting on me nerves, and I know that's what's brought me down the first three times, so I better come up with a way to fix it. Mum said she'd call me and help me do some relaxing exercises. Hope it helps. If not, I don't know what will. What usually would calm me down, which is a hot cup of tea, aint gonna help today since the lip piercing forbids drinking hot things. Sucky.
I think I'll call her up right now, I'm on needles here, can't wait. I've hardly slept all night, I had horrible nightmares that I would oversleep and miss the test and God knows what other things. But I have a good gut feeling. Stress makes you achieve better, right? Hrm, hrm.... I hope so, at least in my case. Still, somewhere, there's a good feeling. The weather is good, I know how to park and how to do the safety check, and if things turn out allright, today might just be one of the best days this summer...!
Gotta go now to call Mum, but be sure I'll check in again later on tonight, if nothing else just to tell you how it went... Oooo, it's so exciting =) Cheers, guys.

Kippie Yeay!

Guess what!
Guess again!
Naaah, not even close!
You will never guess!
Me, Bekki Lee, Poet in the Jar, Little Troll (that's my Mum's nickname)... is... drumroll... in a good mood today, yeay! Nikki says he hasn't seen me like this for ages. I can guess why. These !"#¤%&/()=? god-forsaken pills have made me chronically depressed for the entire year. Not a very good combination with a depression already current, and having to see both my parents go through heart diseases and all sorts of things. Mix this up with studying at the university at the same time as you gotta cover for your heart-sick Dad and most recently, your throat-sick Mum at work. I aint surprised I feel like I just wanna lay down on the floor and sleep for a couple of years, so that I'll catch up. And I've been trying to keep a social life as normal! Ha ha, I must be totally mad.
Well, it don't matter now, does it? Ha ha. As me and Jessi said: Kippie! Kippie Yeay to the summer of 2007, guys!
PS: I am listening to the best CD of the year right now - PRIIMA PARTY. Kippie Yeay!

Screenshots

Don't think I don't remember.
Can't believe this time's flown by.
I thought that you would never grow,
Cause then me neither would get old.
Every image flies me by.
I struggle just to watch.
Do I get credit that I try?
Or will I stop and halt?
Don't think I don't remember.
I still taste the time flown by.
In a hundred years we'll all be old,
but you can never tell,
so who knows?
______________________________

Now I really feel old. Looking at all these happy "kids" graduating from school, it's like I'm reliving the past year of my life, and I can hardly believe how much has happened. The first half of it was the best time of my life. A summer of parties, friendship, and putting my salary into something else than food and phone bills. I graduated school a whole year ago, and my life now aint comparable to what it was then. But those were the glory days, we enjoyed our last summer in freedom before responsibility started, before we were finally grown-ups. Finally on our own... what we had longed for so eagerly.
Weird though that I don't feel grown up, same time as I feel like an old hag. Mum says my new look is because I don't wanna face the fact that I'm becoming an adult. Clearly, she aint in to piercings and black hair. Well, I think it suits me. And it's how I feel like I wanna look for the moment. I think some of it may have something to do with me meeting Nikkie, you know, starting to like a different kind of music in comparison to what I used to like. With the music came the lifestyle. You just observe and accept, Watson, I do the thinking!
Anyway... the second half of the year was a total mess. And I don't think I've ever been so messed up. I wanna know what's happened to me. I wanna have the old me back.
Somehow... somewhere in my gut... there's a good feeling. That maybe, this summer will be as good as the last one! And why shouldn't it? Is it wrong to look forward to a long, sunny summer along with your friends? I don't think so. Quitting the pills might also help me out...
Yeah well, bye bye and good luck. I'll probably tune in tomorrow and complain about my left-over essay.
Over and OUT!

Illusions and Dreams

Here's me, in my latest piercing. Total collection now adding up to two. Next project: A new place for earrings in my ear. Haha. Future project: Moth tattoo in my neck, for my 20th birthday. Anyway, get to the business, my friend, and scroll down.

Way to go. What do you do when you find yourself in between two friends? I'm not a psychic, or a shrink, I couldn't say which is better and which aint. Still, it kinda flatters me that they'd come to me for advice. That gotta mean I aint too bad at it, I guess.

I just don't know what went wrong in my life. With my life. I feel as if my whole personality has changed, probably because of these stupid birth control pills. Except for my sister, I don't know anyone who's gone through so much trouble with them. For every pill I take, I feel like I want to throw up, and get it out of me, this unnatural substance that affects how I feel, how I think, and every step I take; changing me from the confident person I used to be into this moody monster, whom I wouldn't touch if I wore a fire-proof suit. Not only does it affect me, but it affects everyone around me as well. It just aint fair, that I gotta stuff this in to me cause I don't want to have a kid when I'm nineteen and not even halfway through my studies. It just aint fair. And all the midwife will tell me is, 'well, of course you are not supposed to live like this, but we can't give you a coil since you've never been pregnant, and you can't get a pill free of hormones since you've got heart diseases in your family. Now, if you'd just try this kind of hormonal pill instead of your old one... Your body will adjust in a couple of months... and that might help you.' Why, thank you so much for your help. I just wish I could give it up right here and now, quit them, they're like a poison running through my vains, and I'm sick of it, so undescribably sick of it, not being me.

I'm just so sick of not being me.

And you know what. In fact, I'm sick of everything. Sick of being sick of things. Sick of spending time with people, sick of being alone, sick of working, sick of studying, sick of myself.

Only thing that makes me feel safe, is living on my dreams. I'll just keep living on fragments and pieces of Illusions and Dreams...

PS.: Solize, Bekilee, Inchoate, Leniency, Nightflight and Fireskies. More are to come. DS.

Last Day of May

Hio, guys. I've gotten sick. Again. Sleeping away all my time. Don't know whether I'll be able to take my driver's lesson today, but with the test coming up soon, I don't think I have a choice.
Worst part is, with this cold or whatever it is, I dare not do my piercing today as planned, cause of the raised risk for infections. Really sucks.
Better go shower and brush my teeth. And I'll feel at least a little bit better...
Cheers.

Wind-Still, Silent Grounds

A breeze of fresh air, a wind from the east.
Curing my illness, ridding the beast.
Try to reconcile myself, try to sail, just once more.
But the breezes won't be found,
on these wind-still, silent grounds.
______________________________

I had a really nice time yesterday. Felt vivid again, felt alive. Nice and fresh, straight from the sea. What could I tell you? It lifted my sails. Apart from the comment, 'Hey, I know you! You're the gas station girl!' it was one of the best evenings in some time. It'll actually be pretty nice going back to work next week. Ha, ha.

See ya soon, when I aint so tired and got something useful to write about.

POET in the bloody JAR
(Case you hadn't got that already)

Figured Out

Please, will you listen,
Will you hear me out?
I think I've figured out
what we both are all about.
Cause now you aint around
I'm nowhere to be found.
I'm so sorry I've enslaved you.
That I've wanted to betray you.
Cause I know now that I crave you,
Not the other way around.
Please, will you come to me,
Will you be my voice and shout?
Cause I think I've figured out
what I can't live or breathe without.
________________________________

Better go to bed now, would be kinda embarassing if Nikki came home from the pub at this hour and I was still up, playing computer games, haha. He's got me completely addicted by this Anarchy Online thing. I don't mind, though. I kinda like going into that other world, being completely absorbed by it and forgetting all about your own problems. Got my Doc, Leniency, a name that means mild and gentle, all the way up to level 11, and even got off Noob Island on the same day. So now I'm running errans in Old Athens. It's a lot of fun :)
You know, I try to tell myself that no one's gonna fill that hole in me, and it has to be true, since I can hardly bear being alone. But I can't bear being with others either.
Something scary happened to me yesterday in the kitchen. But I'm thinking it's too personal, and intimidating, to write about here. Who knows, Mom might even start thinking she's right about the reasons of my poetry.
Bye bye soldier.
Yours,
POET in the JAR
(With Open Jaws)

Simply A Vampire

I still remember,
haven't forgot.
If I was with you,
or if I was not.
I still could remember,
can't help that I would.
You were simply a vampire,
misunderstood.
__________________________

I know it's gone. Flown away. Never to return. But the thoughts of it trace me. Make things glimmer, make things bright. Strange how you can endure every passing day feeding from thoughts of the glowing, shimmering past.
I'm done with looking in from the outside, it's time to start looking out from the inside instead, starting now.
What if I said I don't want no imaginary friends anymore?
I'm the Poet, in the Jar,
Don't come near,
Don't go too far,
Cause I'm the Poet,
With screeching claws,
Myself a monster,
I'll open my jaws.

Trail of the Comet

Should I chase the fireworks,
hasting away,
just to see how it feels
when I touch them?
Should I follow the fireflies,
chasing the night,
just to see how it feels
when I join them?
I'm thinking I will,
yes, I actually might,
I'm hunting you down, Comet,
starting tonight.
___________________________

Can't wait until tomorrow... Something good is gonna happen, something really good. I can feel it. Like it's making my body tingle and shiver all over. Yeah, can't wait until tomorrow...
I had a strange dream tonight, or should I say this morning. I was on the bus, talking to the man sitting next to me, when suddenly he took out a sharpened pen and started stabbing himself on the inside of his palms. It was so unexpected, just flung right at me from the middle of a dream that to begin with felt so warm and reassuring. I'm so sick of that. Whenever you think things are looking up, something swings down on you, reaching for you, trying to trick your feet and make you stagger, make you fall.
I aint gonna fall, not now, and not for quite a while either. I know what it's all about. You don't have to build yourself a life out of dishes, dirty clothes to wash, dinners to cook, cats to feed, exams to study for, jobs to jump in at when someone gets sick. All that don't matter, it's unimportant. Your real life is who you are. What's in your head and your heart. Your thoughts, your emotions. And what you use them for. That's what's really you. No love will ever fill that hole in your heart. No company will ever make you feel less lonely. All that matters is you, and what you got in there, and what you can do with it.
I'm so tired of shallow people. Surrounding themselves with expensive perfumes and Gucci bags so that they can feel like they actually fit in somewhere, like someone actually cares. But you put your perfume on and walk the streets with your Gucci bag and see if it makes you happy. See if it makes you feel better. Or if it's just your satisfaction over being born better off than others. Born into a world where houses with neat lawns matter more than if an orphan on the other side of the globe will live or die.
No... I'm just sick of it. This. Everything. I'll live my everyday life and sometimes, I'll be happy about it.
But I'll always be different. Because I know.
POET in the JAR

Silly Me, Silly Trick

Firefly, oh, Firefly. As beautiful as the fallen sky. As always I'm breathless.

We went out to celebrate Jessi's 20th birthday yesterday. It was the summer premiere of Trägår'n, and you wouldn't believe me if I told you how many people were there. It took us 50 minutes standing in line just to get in, and another 20 minutes to get in the ladies' room. I hate those kind of lines. If you weren't sober when you got there, you soon became sober of all the heat, the mass of people, lack of oxygen, and drunk, unpleasant people dropping their stinking cigarettes on your jacket.
Half the time I had so much fun, the other half I was drunk and absent. When I fell asleep in the couch with Jessi and Danne, one of the guards came along and asked me, "How are you feeling?", looking at me suspiciously. And I gave him the most beaming smile I could forge, and said, "Oh, I'm just a little sleepy, that's all." "Okay," said the guard and headed off. I can't believe they didn't throw me out, which they probably would have, if I wasn't a girl.
I think I got tricked at one point, when I went over to the DJ boot to request a song. There were two guys standing there, the DJ and someone he seemed to be talking to. So I asked the guy next to the DJ, "Can you request songs tonight?" He looked at me with a smile and said, "Of course you can! ...If you give me a kiss on the cheek!" And stupid as I was, I did so, and then requested my song. When I checked back later, he was mysteriously gone, and the DJ had no idea what song I had requested. Silly me. Silly trick!
Haha!
The only thing bad about yesterday I guess, is that the birthday child wasn't half as drunk as I was! Shame on me... Should have bought her more drinks!
Poet in the Jar

The Darkness I Pace

Don't cast your light on me
It would be a waste of time
I'll still be pacing the darkness,
Under star-less, gloomy skies.
Don't try to lay those eyes on me
I'd only look down and turn away
Cause I know I don't deserve your love
Or at least not in that way.
So don't you try to enlighten me
It's only a matter of time
Before the darkness I pace races my mind
And I'm engulfed, swallowed up inside,
I can finally rest,
under gloomy skies.
_________________________________

The Poet's back. Back in action. Back in attack. The Poet's sick of having the Glass walls hinder her in every move she tries to make. Having the Glass blocking her every thought. Her every feeling. She read somewhere that some people enjoy being all miserable, you know, damaged, difficult and misunderstood. Whoever wrote that had obviously never been miserable.
But there's light in there. Somewhere in the tunnel. A light that hopefully doesn't come from a speeding train...
POET in the JAR

Stupidity, Stubborness and Denial

Something is very wrong with this world. Or should I say the people in it? I am almost lacking words to describe the incredible stupidity, stubborness, and denial, that some people possess. What happened to the golden rule, to common sense, to doing good? Suddenly I find myself naive for ever having thought that those things were even current on this planet. People who live in frustration take it out on someone else, anyone who's weaker than them, so they can feel powerful for once in their life, so they can feel the rush of complete dominance over an innocent soul. When you cross the line, you break her whole being, she'll live the rest of her life with constant glances over her shoulder and constantly denying chances to be loved, afraid that what you did to her will happen again. But hey, it's a win-win situation, innit? You get to feel powerful, first during the act of ill will, greed and desire, and secondly when the court frees you and you leave the inquiry room as a free man, able to do it again, and again, and a hundred times more, to a hundred other girls, cause you can be sure that they'll free you every time. And she gets to be taken by a man. Surely that's what every girl wants, right? Who's gonna believe a 19 year old girl if she claims the opposite? Imagine this. A man is walking down the street, adjusting his watch, when it is snatched out of his hand by a pick-pocket. Then imagine this. The thief is being charged, and his defence asks the man with the watch the same kind of questions they would ask the victim of a brutal rape. Were you flashing the watch in the open? Were you drunk when it happened? The defendant never heard you say no to having your watch stolen. Besides, is it true that you've been giving away watches in the past? That concludes it. You can only blame yourself for being robbed in that situation. Hear how ridiculous that sounds? Well, listen to this: Were you flashing your skin? Were you drunk when it happened? The defendant never heard you saying no to having sex. Besides, is it true that you've been having a lot of sex in the past? That concludes it. You can only blame yourself for being raped in that situation.
It's a shame for us all that this is the reality for rape victims in this country. Women don't have a say in the matter. Suit yourself if he mollested you, you were standing there in a mini-skirt, so what did you expect? Strange how no one tells the man with the watch that if he hadn't worn that Rolex, it wouldn't have happened. Geee, salvate us, someone.
POET in the JAR

Toolbox

You coming?
Wanna fix me?
Whip your toolbox out
and hit me?
Are you coming?
Coming with me?
So you can drink me,
so you can eat me,
do me and mistreat me?
I know you were never
the best I could find,
and I've done what I could
to rid you from mind,
But I'll still let you fix me
You're the only one who could
And my conscious lets me ask you
Cause I know you never would.
_______________________________

Meredith Grey. Said. Something. That. Affected. Me. She said that choosing between the man who was best for you, and the man who was the one, she would have to choose the one.
I chose the guy who would be best for me. My Pearl. Wouldn't ever hurt me. I am not even close to deserving his love for me. I should be happy, but I'm not, and everything leaks out here, I don't know how much longer I'll stand it.

Start From Scratch

Give me faith
Give me strength
To this life,
That I rent

Those are the only words I have the energy to put here right now. Things are so messed up. I failed the Phonetics exam, knew I would, but seeing it on paper made it feel much worse. It doesn't bother me that I didn't pass, you know, it's not that, the problem is that I sure got enough of things to worry about, without having to study Phonetics again, from scratch. Besides, this means I have to reschedule my driver's license test, which sucks. Aaah, I dunno, don't even wanna complain to myself. Yeah... I'm gonna fix things up and it'll all be allright... I'm just longing back to when things weren't half as complicated and sure wasn't half as boring.
I saw the Firefly yesterday. On the bus. Heading home from work. I hid away in the seats in the far back and managed to get out of sight. I wasn't exactly looking astonishing, if I may say so, and that's the only way I want him to see me. Fireworks, baby, fireworks.
Nightie... Oooops... I mean, good morning... yaaaaaawn... Got a loooong day ahead of me... I'm gonna get started.

PS: You can't say I don't look awesome in my new piercing though... haha DS.

Piercings, Tattoos, and Miscellaneous Pain

Didn't know I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky
Before
- Ewan McGregor, Moulin Rouge

Soon as my sister shows up, we're headed for Viking Studios, and I'm having my first piercing! I'm gonna put it in my eyebrow, I think it'll look nice. Nikki didn't like the idea... but you can't always please everyone, can you? Besides, there's a little punk-rocker in him that would love to have his girlfriend pierce her eyebrow and colour her hair black. I kinda miss my black hair! Gonna ask my sister to help me fix it back, hehe. She's having her second tattoo today, her boyfriend's name with an Omega symbol instead of the O, across the side of her foot. Ouch, that gotta hurt. Just when I'm starting to really consider a moth tattoo in my neck, I'm coming with her to watch how it's actually done, and I'm pretty sure I'll be as terrified as last time she did it. You just don't see all that blood when you're watching Miami Ink, you know?
If this piercing works out allright, I might just do another one in my lip. Don't know what's up with me, but I gotta do something, gotta keep those thoughts away.
Read about a guy today who ran into a car door with his bicycle, smashed his head against the concrete and died on spot. This world is so unfair! Well, I guess it aint worse than the boy who died when he was jumping on his bed and the window next to it was open...
"Gimme faith, gimme strength, to this life, that I rent"
Poet in the Jar

A Moth Reborn

"What kinds of people are there, Daddy?"
"There are all kinds. Even those you wouldn't think exist, exist."
- Me and my father in discussion

Some won't change. Some always change. Some have been the same all along, but you don't see it until you change yourself. You rearrange your life and the decorations in it. Ooops, there goes an old vase I used to like but suddenly find ugly, and wow, are these curtains new? I've never looked at them like this before. What I'm trying to say is that your eyes change, but not necessarily what's around you. I wish I could just press the contents of my life into a mixer and watch it whirl around, events replacing eachother, relations ending and starting at new points in time, appropriate points, cause what comes out is a perfectly blended, fresh-tasting smoothie. I wanna grab events from my past and put them in my present, and banish events from the present to the past. I wanna mess up my life, wanna screw it up so bad that God, if he exists, would have no choice but let me start over to make it right. And if that can't happen, I wanna leave this place and never come back, I could start over somewhere else. Another place would be my home, other faces would be my friends, I wouldn't be caught, I'd be free, and I would enjoy solistice for the first time in years. Out of imprisonment, out of your blue shadows, out of misery. Free as a bird, a moth reborn, I would fly... Fly and never land.
___________________________

A Moth With Ashes For Wings

Cheers to us laughers, drowning our sorrows in drinks. That's Fanny to the far left, my best friend Jessie in the middle, and myself at the far right. Pic from yesterday, when I managed to break yet another necklace, drop my bracelet in the beer, have my foot stepped on no less than eight times, meet and regret my Firefly, and once again fall in love with my now black-haired, beautiful, wonderful Pearl.
_______________________________

Funny I should write that yesterday... funny it should come to my mind. Later that night I caught sight of my Firefly. And a train of thoughts and emotions started pacing and racing through me, a chain of memories and glimpses from the past bursting into me, like a flood, a river, a jumbojet. The defences must hold. They will hold. They will not hold. I can still feel the fluttering of your wings upon my skin... I can see your shimmer, your fire, your light... I'm thrown back in time, to the first time, the innocent time... before you left me. There is no sense in this... none at all... There's no use in repeating your past, you'll only lose what you could have in the present. But still... it's a nice daydream. Trying not to think of how helpless a moth like me is when a Firefly like you has burnt my wings into ashes. Forever damaged, forever traumatized, you left only a shell of me behind for others to try and fill but always to fail. Cause even if our fire was short and intense, together, Firefly, we were fucking fireworks while we were on fire. And no steady glow could replace that...
Or could it?
- Poet in the Jar

Know Me, Love Me, Heal Me / For Your Sins

Know me.
Love me.
Heal me.
Hide me away and conceal
me.
Come so close you can feel
me.
Know me,
Love me,
and heal me.
You're the only one I'll let deal
with me.
The only one knowing what's real
with me.
Hide me away, put a seal
on me.
If you'd known me,
you could have loved me,
you would have healed me.
______________________________

Can't believe it. It's been almost a year now, and I'm still thinking about it. It's still sippering through my unconsciousness to appear in my poetry. "Darling" is still the word I use when I think of you. Tender emotions are still what I have for you, willingly replacing the fleeing anger and tears. You are the light that shimmers for me in the dark... for some unknown reason always steady in my dreams, never flickering. You are the Firefly that won't ever leave my mind, despite everything I've tried to rid you from my thoughts, to rid you from my life. Cause I think it would be best for me to live without you constantly accompanying my inner self...

For Your Sins

You wouldn't come
You always fled
You wouldn't come
The times I bled
You'd only come
When you would gain
You'd only come
If you needn't stay
When I craved you most
You'd turn your back on me
When I longed for you most
You wouldn't be with me
I've endured every second
I've spent without you since
Wonder what would'ave happened
If I hadn't fallen for your sins
You made me live my life like this
Always regretting
And desiring
That kiss
______________________________
- Poet in the Jar -

Intimidating-What-If-Scenario Land

I'm watching TV and I think I can see
No one needs to blindfold my eyes
Nothing they show me could possibly be
any worse than what I see at night

In my dreams which mirror reality
The world is distorted and flies me by
At times I sit myself up with a shriek
Just to find that you're fine and so am I

Don't ever want to sleep
Don't want these plaguing dreams
Cause even if what I perceive
is hard to believe
It feels ten times as real
as it seems

I'm watching you bleed and I don't want to see
Will someone please blindfold my eyes?
Cause what I've seen this far in my dreams
is enough for me to lose my mind

I've found you fainting, dying on me
Your face is distorted and flies me by
These times I sit myself up with a shriek
Just to find that you're fine and so am I

Don't ever want to sleep
Don't want these plaguing dreams
Cause even if what I perceive
is hard to believe
It feels ten times as real
as it seems

Love, when your reassuring arms won't warm me
When your soothing voice tries but just won't calm me
I'm waking up from the darkest of lands
Intimidating-What-If-Scenario Land.
________________________________________

Wings of the Firefly

Seasons change, as does my mood. Yesterday, I felt like I was glowing... being around so beautifully creative people casted light on me as well, and my spirits were going eternally upward. But today... it's all been different. Might be the usual Sunday agony stopping by for a visit, or it might actually be - something. I'm not happy. I got everything you could possibly ask for, at the same time I got nothing at all. I miss the times when you could afford to make use of all your hours, completely devoted, completely consumed. Now I've been banished to an empty existence, a life in a shell, without meaning, without any sense of how many days or months have passed... without any grasp of the concept of time. It's just another series of eventless hollows, and I'm not as much a centre of it as I am a spectator, helplessly watching as my life glides off in whatever direction seems short-term appropriate. It's slipping right out of my hands, uncontrollably...
And you know what bothers me? I can't stand the company of myself. It's like being trapped in a room with the one person in the world you hate the most. All the time! Well, it aint actually that I hate myself, it's just that I don't like what I've become. Is this where I wanted to be when I was nineteen? There are things I should have done and things I shouldn't have done, people I could have met and people I could have avoided to meet! Places to see, things to do... taking the time to just be me. See?
Things aren't all dark, though. Sometimes, when you see a firefly among the stars, you can let it land on the palm of your hand for a fragment of a second, and watch in awe as it welds a permanent image on the inside of your eyelids... to watch and smile at every time you close your eyes and imagine the conteur of the fading stars... and the infinite shimmer reflected from the wings of the firefly.
Important! The Poet in the Jar would like to post a P.S as follows!
- Apologise for the gaps between my latest entries. That's what happens when your computer's capacity runs out. In contrast to my inspiration. Don't think that'll ever dry out...

Phonetics Exam

Right. Another exam yesterday. I have no idea how it went. Well, I mean statistically it should be possible to pass considering the number of questions I answered, but then I haven't taken in account how many of them I took a guess at. What do you do when you get the question, 'which English consonant is described as a labiodental plosive,' but guess? I studied more for this test than I did for the grammar test, and still it feels as if went twice as bad. Yeah well, we'll know in a couple of weeks, no need to worry now. Just hoping I don't have to do the retake, it's been scheduled to the same day I've got my driver's license test. Aaaaah, I don't think I could say which is more important. Fail the phonetics course and have too few points to keep studying next term, or reschedule the driver's license test and not have it when I start working this summer. Have a pick.
Anyway, I'm having practical studies for the next two weeks, meaning nothing to study at all, so I'm happy. Finally weekends that are actually free, and when you go home, you can do whatever you like. Yeah I really miss working in that way. On the other hand it isn't half as stimulating for your brain. Gotta keep those cells working. I'm not doing this to have fun now, I'm making sure that once I get out there to work, I'll have all those benefits of working, plus the fact that I'll enjoy the actual work, that it'll stimulate me. This is my future I'm investing in. Doesn't sound that crazy after all, now does it?
Well, better rush. I gotta convince my boyfriend to take his eyes off the TV and go outside to do something fun in the sun, ha ha.
Greetings, from a long time gone,
Poet in the Jar
_____________________________________________

The Hysteric One

Now that I'm home, I'm sitting here, looking at this mess, trying to gather even the slightest little energy to fix it. There are dirty dishes everywhere and the newly washed clothes spread all over the apartment. My school books lying on the desk, laughing at me, too tired to open them, too tired to study for my test. I've slept all morning, and I'm still sleepy, it feels as if I could sleep through anything. That's all I feel like doing, anyway. Don't want to be alone, don't want to be around other people. And I'm wondering, why doesn't everything just stop? How can people just, keep on living, keep holding on? Not only is that what everyone does, every stranger, every unfamiliar face, but it is what we do as well. Mum does, you know, and that bothers me the most. We're talking about the difference between life and death here, and all she can think of is 'what'll happen to the firm if I stay at home, sick?' So she ignores whatever instructions or recommendations she might have gotten from the doctor, who is the one with experience here, and she just keeps on working, keeps getting up in the morning and goes to work, even with the cancer spreading in her body, with every breath causing her heart to flicker and her lungs to tighten. Part of me wants to just run home and hug her and tell her how much I love her, and ask her, who am I gonna call if you go? Who am I gonna call? You can't leave me, you can't, cause if you do, I wouldn't know who to call! And I would stay at home with her, and take care of her, so she wouldn't have to do anything. Another part of me though, just wants to slap her in the face and tell her to grow up and start taking some responsibility, do you want your daughters to lose their mother, do you want your husband to lose his wife that he loves above everything, just because you were too damn stubborn to listen to the doctor? Too stubborn even, to listen to your own family?
And then, it's this thing my sister said that's bugging me. We talked about all this yesterday, I guess to process it a bit, and she says, 'I hate that Mom thinks I'm so strong. She tells me it's so nice to talk to me cause I don't go hysteric like you, Bekki. But the second she hangs up, I always cry. And I cry like there's no tomorrow.' And suddenly, I go: 'I'm the hysteric one? I don't want to be the hysteric one. I don't. Want. To. Be. The. Hysteric. One.'
I know that's what it's like, it's not that. It's just that I've always been very different from my family in some ways. Like the fact that my family is very practical in most situations. And when something bad happens, we solve everything that need be solved first. We can cry later, be sad later, mourn later, when we got the time. I don't do that, never have, and it's always gotten me into trouble, especially with my Mom, who doesn't understand why I'm different, you know. Time stops for me. Everything seems to be unimportant, except what I feel. And I take time to feel. I make time to feel. Cause if something happens, I wanna be able to say that time stopped, that everything turned upsidedown, that I lived in slowmotion, NOT that I just cleaned it up and waited for the time to come when it was allright to mourn. Is it so wrong to feel that you gotta let out your emotions, instead of carrying them inside you, letting them grow so badly that when they go off, they're like a nuclear bomb, not only affecting you, but everyone around you?
I used to feel I didn't fit in in my family, and I wanted out. Now that I am, I miss them. Oh God, how I miss them. And I just wanna go back in time, wanna relive my life, so that maybe I could have been better. I, I just wish I had been better. You know?

Plea to Emma Carolina

Dear little sister
Dear little rose
Who knows had it been different
If we got to see you grow
Remember you so clearly
Oh why'd you have to go
The turn has come to us now
Just thought you ought to know
While daddy's growing younger
Mommy's growing old
The essence of her cancer
Tearing up her soul
We're hoping she'll get better too
So she won't have to go to you
But baby sister, if you see her,
tell her she is lost
Baby sister, point her back,
Point her back to us
______________________________________

I woke up this morning with the worst of feelings. That something was about to happen, something bad that would change me forever. At first I thought it was about my Nikki, and I was very reluctant to letting him off to work. Maybe the guy he rides to work with was gonna smash the car or something. But when I called him later on, he was perfectly fine, which almost worried me more. What if I had mistaken when guessing who it was about? And maybe I did. We don't know that for sure yet. They took a lot of tests off my mom, and who knows, it might turn out not to be cancer, it might not even be struma, maybe it's just that she caught a virus that swells the throat. Maybe I didn't even get her phone call. Maybe this is all just a bad dream, and when I wake up, I'll be in our garden with my family, everyone there, Ann Christine and Carolina and Mom and Dad, and we're fooling around on the lawn playing croquet, laughing at the cat who's caught a badminton ball.
Wake me up, when this crappy piece of shit-life is going for the better, and God doesn't slap you in the face every time you're thinking things are good.